Archive: Sidebar Themed Lists

Retired May, 2006

Posts That Make the Baby Jesus Cry

• ...And So I Said: #1 - These Boots Are Made for Walking


• Case Dismythed?! Outrage! Jesus Gets Off on Technicality! (Well, It Was a Silly, Mean Lawsuit...) But Still! Outrage!!


• Jesus As: Alien, Amber Alert, Ant Farm, David Beckham & Baby Beckham, Black Dude [New], Blood-Spurting Family Film, Bongtoker, Car Needing Wash, Casting Call, Defendant, Dental X-Ray [New], Dinner Show, Drive-Thru Window, Dumpling, Fetus Smuggler, Foreskin Wedding Ring, Foul-Mouthed Fuck, FOX News, Frying Pan [New], Galoshes, Gayish, Genocidal Republican, Hallucinogen, Hard Act To Follow [New], High School Mascot, Iceskater [New], iPod, Indiana State Deity, King of Christmas Nazis / Kindling / Ku Klux Kristians, Lord of Large Boobs / Lesbian-Hating Monsters, Magic, Merlot, Mmmanicotti, Mormon Fiction [New], 'My Homeboy,' Naked Teacher, Never Crucified [New], Never in That Shroud, Never Resurrected, No One Without Judas, Orphan, Oyster, Patron Saint of Crystal Meth, Prince of Fleece / PlayStation / Poker / Pots / Pancakes, Santa?, Shadow Puppet, Sheet Metal, Snatched by Granny, Stain, Surfbum, Tortilla, Tree, Tree #2, Tree #3, Tyrant [New], UFO Pilot, Unemployed New Yorker, Unlicensed Driver, Who?, and Witch's Beeyatch


• Lapdancing for Jesus! What Is Showgirls Starred Mother Teresa?


• Vagina Monologue


• Virgin Mary As: 'Bleeding Out Vagina' to Delight of Australians, Chicagophile, Cloud [New], Cokehead [New], Condom Spokesmodel, Crybaby, Decapitated, Dry-Eyed [New], Firewood [New], Freeway Underpass [New], Grilled-Cheese, Illustrated by Ants, Just a Statue, Katrina Survivor, Magician's Assistant, Not-So-Lesbian Soccer Team, Pissed Off [New], Pretzel, Stain, Superheroine, Teary-Eyed Duplicate [New], Top 10 List, Tree, Trick Statue, The Virgin Mobile, The Virgin Spice, and The Whore Mary [New]


• WWBD?


• WWZD? [New]


• WWJ...: Assassinate?, Bang?, Beat?, Betray?, Boycott?, Decapitate?, Drive?, Expel?, Headlock? Kick in the Balls? [New], Kidnap?, Pump?, Steal?, and Wear: Edible Undies?


• 'You Got Your Islam in My Christianity!' 'You Got Your Christianity in My Islam!' (Oy Vey, Thinks Cthulu)

Retired March, 2006

Posts That Make Pat Robertson Hard As a Rock

• A Christian Nation: Americans: Pray As One / Fear God / Reject Evolution / Reject Science / Christian, Capitalism: In God We Officially Trust / Good Deeds for Cash / Religious Endorsements, Christmas: Legally Required / Fuck Hannukah! / Santa the Unholy Butcher, Churches: Ban Democrats / Endorse War or Else, Civil Rights: Christians Only, Courts: Unite Church & State / Follow God's Law, Discrimination: Legal Against Non-Christians, Disneyland: Holyland, FEMA: Church Revenue, Halloween: Banned, Jews: Scared - They Should Be, Military: Christian Soldiers, Noah's Ark: Carried Dinosaurs / New Queen Mary, Nuclear War: Blessed, Pledge of Allegiance: To God Almighty, President: Redefines Science / Christian Rule, Schools: Anti-Science / Pro-Creationism / UCJC / Sermonize, States: United in Christ / Pray to Christ & Only Christ, Starbucks: Obeys God, and Unwed Mothers: Unemployed Whores


• Christians: Under the Hood, They're All the Same


• The Gay Agenda: Attend Our Schools & Convert Our Daughters into Lesbos! Become Priests To Practice Their Pedophilia! Cause Hurricanes with Their Filthy Sex! Corrupt Our Youth with Pro-Sodomy Shrek Propaganda! Destroy Civilization by Marrying Animals & Each Other! Entrap Innocent Ministers! Infest Our Schools with Brainwashed Pro-Sodomy Children! Make Coffee Taste Like Sodomy! Make Christians Sound Like the Hateful Monsters! Make Little Girls Lesbos with Evil Abortion Dolls! Not Hate Themselves Enough! Pervert Americana with Filthy Cowboy Sodomy! and Rape Helpless Orphans in Satanic Rituals!


• 'It's Sad To See the Religious Left & Secular Left Forge an Unholy Alliance Against People of Faith,' Said Scumbag


• Muslims Crush Muslims, Satan Unharmed at Worst! Stoning of Satan! Ever! (Since 1990!)


• "Oh, Want More Water? So Thirsty! Know Who Else Was Thirsty? No, Not Allah - Jesus, When He Died for Your Sins! Can You Say 'Jesus Loves Me'?"


• Senator Ignores History in Defending Pledge That Has 'Always Been' - It's Pledge Version 3.0, Dumbass


• Turn-Ons: Almighty Satan God, The Armageddon, Basic Cable Stardom, Beating Darwin out of Heretics, Being Quoted, Dancing on Graves of World Leaders (Um, Take That Back?), Dead Atheist Hippies, Demonizing Desserts, Demonizing Muslims, Demonizing Accusers, Making Secretary Write My Apology, Invoking God's Wrath, Kidnapping, Money, Murder, Power, Screaming Merry Christmas! at Jews, Seeing God's Hate in Every Drop of Rain, and Using FEMA Money To Mine Diamonds w/Tyrants


• Who Would Jesus Betray? Evangelicals Warn Jewish Critics To Shut Their Bagel Holes About Church-State or They'll Just Let Israel Burn


• Yes, There Really Are Monsters - Some Wear Hats...Some Wear Suits

Retired March, 2006

Posts That Just Piss Popes Off

• The Bible As: Anti-Judas Slander, Body Bag, Bor-ing, Crystal Ball, Disregarded, Ebonics, Bitch!, A Good Start to Catholics, Incest for Dummies, Limerick, Not As Fun As Sex, Rated NC-17, Read on Teen-Age Boobs, Reason You're Homeless, Sdrawkcab-Ssa, 6616 Typo, Tale of Noah & the Baby Dinosaurs, and Txt Mssg


• The Father, The Son & The Happy Hour


• God Hates: American Girl Dolls, Angels Fondling Their Bits & Pieces, Ariel Sharon, Backseat Designers, Baptisms, The Blacks in New Orleans, Boxing, Boy Scouts/Carbs, Cheap Monday Jeans, Damn Dirty Apes, Dead Priests, Dover Voters, Endless Requests for Miracles, Faggyass Judges, Fag Lovers, Fag Priests, Fag-like Priests, Fags (Just Fags), Flags, Halloween, Hard Questions, Horny Germans, Me, Miraclebusters, Morning Wood, New Orleans, Nice Weather, Other Gods, Pacific Bell, Priest Impersonators, Rape Victims Who Want Abortions, Shrimp, The Staten Island Ferry, That Bald Chick, That Gay Cowboy Movie, Tutsis, Ungrateful Sons, United Kingdom, Waking Your Sorry Ass Up, Zeus Stealing His Thunder, and You


• Harry Potter's a Global Plot...To Corrupt Kids?! Hm? Noooo!backawayslowlyThat's Not Crazy at All!


• If Your Catholic Is Still Raving in Hysterics, You Didn't Bitchslap Him Hard Enough...Try Again


• Let's See: No Job, No Money, No Home, Sleeping in the Yard & for 15 Years Now? If 'God Loves' Him Any More, He'll Be Giving Blowjobs for Heroin


• The Pope As: Above the Law, Accused of Holocaust, Accused of Murder?, Alien, Basketball Team, Blinded by Telekinesis, Blinded by Wind, Bringer of Armageddon, Dead Again, Fashion Queen, Homophobe, Joey's Beeyatch!, Longest! Death! Scene! Ever!, Moving Target, No Saint, Nun-Raping Bastard, Offensive Cartoon, Pancake, Pope Anonymous X, Repetitive Bigot, Scary-Ass Santa, South Park Gynecologist, Superhero in Chastity Pants, Terrifying to Kids, and Unimpressed by Heaven


• Popes Crack! Me! Up! [Updated 3/5]


• The Popeslayer: Back in Business!


• Preserved Remains of Mother Teresa Stolen! Possibly Eaten! With Coffee!

Retired March, 2006

Posts That Drive Dubya Back to Cokin' & Boozin'

• And Just When I'd Lost All Hope, Bam!, Politics Is Interesting Again


• Breaking News: God...Is a Dick?!


• A Family That Hails Together, Stays Together


• Focus on the Felony


• Intelligence Revives: Dover's Redemption


• Rise To Power Some Consider Unnatural: Dubya Worships Satan? Laura Killed Boyfriend? Dubya Joined Cult & Sold Soul? Laura: Substitute Teacher from Hell? Whole Family Satanists?, Jeb's Magic Potion Scandal? Dubya: Blasphemy's Funny? Jeb Summons Spirits? Dubya Forsaken by Own Church? Daddy Sacrificed at Reagan Pyramid?


• The Root of Society's Ills? Religion, Says Study - Perfect Example? America


• Save Your Prayers for That New Bike


• Symptoms: Hears Voices, God Complex, Prone to Violence, Delusional, Sociopath, 'Can Do No Wrong,' Poor Grammar, Denial, Possibly Retarded...


• Theocracy's Misunderestimakes: Air Force: Dang Jew Sues, Atheism: Ruled Religion, Bush: Called Stupid / And Liar / That Blasphemy Thing, The Constitution: Stupid 'Wall!', Faith-Based Agenda: Dang Jews Flip, Fundamentalism: That Dang Vatican!, GOP: Facing Backlash / War Declared on Danforth, ID: Debunked / Re-Election Suicide / GOP Dissent / Banned Inane Lie, 'In God We Trust': Dang Money Sued, Pharmacists: Fired for God, Prayer: Banned if Christian, Religious Right: May Cause Armageddon / Called Hate Group / Dang Jews Suspect, and 'Under God': Unconstitutional...Dangit!

Retired March, 2006

Posts That Make Satan Giggle Like a Schoolgirl

• And Just When I'd Lost All Hope, Bam!, Politics Is Interesting Again


• Death for Dummies: Baptise Holding Mic, Be Catholic, Be Gay, Catch Falling Cross, Criticize ID, 'Fool w/the Church,' Get Murdered by Parents, Get Crucified by Priest, Hold Cross in Storm, Jump from Moving Car, Launder Vatican Funds, Look Demonic to Crackhead, Record Christian Rock, Refuse Islam, Say 'Heaven', Starve Carving, Take 'God's Land', and Take the Ferry, and Throw Self to Lions


• The Father, The Son & The Happy Hour


• 'I Baptise You in the Name of the Father, the Son & the Holy God I'm So Turned On Right Now!'


• Livestock Sacrifice Muslims at Worst! Holy Festival! Ever!


• Minions: Judge Alito, American Girl Dolls, Anti-Christs, Bill Bennet, George and Laura Bush, Cheney, Christian Camps, Tom Cruise, "Demons," Drunk-Driving Priests, Evil Goats, Jerry Falwell, Full Bladders, Kali, KKK, Knights Templar, Osama bin Laden, Litigious Witches, Jesus Malverde, Lucky the Turtle, Mountains, Nazis, Naked White Trash, Fred Phelps, Pope B16, Pope JP2, Popeslayer, Reagan the Mummy, Religion, Republicans, Pat Robertson, Seven Deadly Sins, Ashlee Simpson, Jimmy Swaggert, Donald Wildmon


• Muslims Crush Muslims, Satan Unharmed at Worst! Stoning of Satan! Ever! (Since 1990!)


• Popes Crack! Me! Up! [Updated 3/5]


• Satan: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride


• Sinful Pleasures: Eating: Dumplings, Grilled-Cheese, Jesus Juice, Nun Buns, Oysters, Pancakes, Pie, Shrimp; Listening: Christian "Rock," Ashlee Simpson, Scott Stapp on iPod; Playing: Flying Spaghetti Monster Doll, Online Poker, PlayStation; Reading: Battlepope, Da Vinci Code, Ebonics Bible, Gospel of Judas, Harry Potter, Religious Jokes; Watching: Basic Cable, Book of Daniel, Exorcist (En Espanol!), FOX News, Jesus Is Magic, Joey, Passion of the Christ, Popetown, PrimeTime, Shrek, South Park; Wearing: Bootilicious Jeans, Condom, 'Jesus Is My Homeboy' Tee, Jesus Shoes, Leather Thong; Wish List: Loft w/View, Oldsmobile Mephisto, Praying Mantis, Souls, Toilet Paper


• Top 10 List: Reasons Mary Can't Stop Blubbering

Retired January, 2006

Posts That Make Santa Choke on His Nog, Trip Over Toy, Crush Hapless Elf

• Abracadeus! [Note to Self: Set TiVo]


• 50% Off Sale: All Holiday Music, Bad Elf Beer, Brain-Damaging Christmas Shake, Flying Spaghetti Monster Doll, Magic Paintbrush, The Passion of the Christ, Supercool Motorcycle, Tampon Angel, Testicular Electrocution, Trip to the Moon, and 12-inch Brad Pitt - wrapped in Horny Angel Wrapping Paper


• Good Idea: Leaving a Snack Out for Santa...Like Milk & Cookies; Bad Idea: ...Like a Bottle of Tequila


• 'Man, I Say %#&@ Santa!' 'BLASPHEMER!'


• Mistletoe: The Semen of Christmas?


• Santa As: Blasphemous Bush Joke, Bruised, Battered & Ready for a Career Change, Contractually Sober, Drunk Mob, Flasher, God, JonBenet's Killer, One Reindeer Short, Scary-Ass Pope, Serial Killer, and Sore Loser


• So Much for My Dreams of a White Christmas


• Today's 'Tammy Faye Theater' Double-Feature: Curse of the Filthy Negro with I Was a Middle-Aged XXXmas Ho


• The 'War on Christmas': Anti-ACLU Vows To Fight Civil Liberties for Non-Christians, And I Just Finished Decorating My Holiday Tree & Mailing My Wintry Season Cards! Dammit!, Church Intimidates Family for Celebrating Evil Halloween, Fuck Hannukah: Christians Bully Stores into Pretending Jews, Hindus & All Non-Christians Simply Don't Exist, I Guess Christian Kindness Died with Christ? Jesus Must Be Rolling in His Grave, 'It's Beginning To Litigate a Lot Like Christmas...', Much Ado About Noel, Oh, Yeah...Happy Festivus!, and Wal-Mart Is 'Effectively Banning Christmas'?!? (P.S.: Catholics Need To Calm! Down!)