4.17.2006

New Insomnia Cure: Cruficixion!

Side Effects May Include: Uncontrollable Sobbing, Pussification, Death



'God Made Me Cancel My Crucifixion'

from Sploid

A publicity hungry ex-gameshow host traveled over 10,000 miles to be crucified, only to break down in tears when he pussed out at the last minute.

Dominik Diamond, formerly host of Britain's GamesMaster, had convinced authorities in the Philippines to allow him to join the annual Karabrio Easter ceremony in San Pedro Cutud, where thousands gather to watch folks self-flagellate and be crucified, all in the name of Jesus.

Diamond would've been only the second Westerner to participate in the senselessly abusive ritual.

But as he watched the man in line before him have nails pounded into his hands and feet, Diamond had second thoughts. He began sobbing uncontrollably.

"
I can't do it, I can't do it," Diamond, 37, was heard to say through his tear. "God wanted me only to pray at the foot of my cross," he sobbed. He then fell to his knees in prayer as the locals and tourists booed him. He was soon led away to an ambulance for no apparent reason.

Luckily all this was caught on film, as Diamond had been planning to turn the experience into a TV documentary tentatively titled Crucify Me.

Diamond was trying to reconnect with God after years of unheeded prayer. He had been afflicted with insomnia and spent countless sleepless nights begging God to let him sleep.

"
I thought this was such a simple thing to ask and He could not do it," Diamond said.

Folks in the Philippines have been putting themselves through this torturous nonsense since the 17th Century, but the crucifixions were fake, people had been tied to the crosses. Then in 1961, the man chosen head Kristo demanded that he be nailed to his cross. Since then, real honest-to-God crucifixion has been deriguer.

Ruben Enaje, 45, has been chief Kristo since 2002 and just celebrated his 20 crucifixion. He served as Diamond's mentor. He said that after carrying his cross up the hill and watching others go before him him, he thought better of it.

"He grew scared when he saw the others being crucified," said Enaje.

Despite the title of his project and the setting, Diamond insists he never guaranteed he would be crucified.

"At no point was it ever conveyed that I would definitely be crucified. At all times in this journey I have been guided by my God in ways I could never have predicted. Having experienced the humility of bearing my own cross through the streets, I felt my God wanted me only to pray at the foot of my cross."

Need less to say, the title is subject to change.

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