Mary? Jesus? Mary?
Sex! Lies! Sex!

The Tomb of Jesus's Children

from Sploid

This Easter is turning out to be especially grim for those who worship a virgin Jesus who was executed and then came back from the dead.

Between the outrageous heresy of the Gospel of Judas, disturbing scientific investigations of Jesus' alleged crucifixion, mundane explanations for his miracles and the latest media circus around The Da Vinci Code and Holy Blood, Holy Grail, it was already a very bad spring for Christians.

It just got worse. A stunning new book by religious-history archeologist Dr. James A. Tabor - The Jesus Dynasty: A New Historical Investigation of Jesus, His Royal Family, and the Birth of Christianity - went on sale this week.

Early gossip about the book said Dr. Tabor would theorize that Jesus was not a spiritual savior for gentiles but a radical Jewish royalist.

Jesus only intended to seize the throne from the puppet king installed by the Roman occupation forces.

His family dynasty would continue to rule even after his death.

That's all there, but it follows shocking revelations of 2,000-year-old tombs found in Jerusalem, including one ancient tomb that holds an entire family: Mary, Joseph, a second Mary, Jude the son of Jesus, Matthew and Jesus the son of Joseph.

And then it gets even more painful for the Christian faithful.

According to Tabor, early Greek and Hebrew mentions of the infamous rabbi Jesus called him by a name unknown to modern believers: Jesus bar Pantera.

Just as Osama bin Laden means "Osama, son of Laden," the name Jesus bar Pantera means "Jesus, son of Pantera."

Dr. Tabor points to a grave on the German frontier where a 62-year-old Roman soldier was buried some 40 years after the traditional date of Jesus' execution. That soldier would've been 19 or 20 years old when Mary got pregnant. And Tabor says that soldier was stationed in Palestine at the time, because Pantera (or Pandera or Panthera) was himself from the region and even served as a soldier in Palestine.

The Virgin Mary didn't just have sex with the soldier, however. According to Tabor and other scholars, Pantera was just one of at least three men who had sexual intercourse with the Virgin Mary - including her very angry husband Joseph, who was not thrilled to find out a Roman soldier got her pregnant.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL! You folks are just plain wackadoo. LOL! Do you guys really beleive all that 'I hate GOD stuff?' LOL! Come mon' guys gimmie' a break. LOL!

April 09, 2009 5:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh-oh! Wait until the CATHOLIC LEAGUE get a hold of THIS blog. Good luck fellas you'll need it.

April 09, 2009 5:09 PM  

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