3.30.2006

Crucifiction

New Shame for Jesus

from Sploid

Jesus just can't catch a break these days.

Scandalous new scientific and historical theories say the famous religious character wasn't even crucified - and even if he was executed by the Romans, nobody knows how it killed him or if he was hanging upside down like a bat.

"The evidence available demonstrates that people were crucified in different postures and affixed to crosses using a variety of means. Victims were not necessarily positioned head up and nailed through the feet from front to back as is the imagery in Christian churches," Dr. Piers Mitchell said of his heretical new scientific study.

The Imperial College of London doctor says it's impossible to prove exactly how a specific method of crucifixion would kill someone. The only way to figure it out would be to crucify people and study how they die, but Europe has become "anti torture," so it's a tough environment for such research.

"Interpretation is difficult due to the humane manner in which a study needs to be conducted," Dr. Mitchell said.

The New Testament itself can't even decide if Jesus was crucified or hanged to death from a tree; in Acts of the Apostles, Jesus was hanged in the Old West style.

But how Jesus was killed is a less controversial proposition than if Jesus was killed.

Michael Baigent - an author of Holy Blood, Holy Grail who is currently suing Da Vanci Code author Dan Brown for copyright infringement - has released a new book just in time for Easter and the remarkable publicity his lawsuit has attracted.

The Jesus Papers recycles and expands upon the blasphemy of Holy Blood, Holy Grail, which is one of many books to claim Jesus married his top apostle and financial benefactor, Mary Magdalene, and that she gave birth to his children.

In Baigent's latest work, Jesus doesn't die on the cross (or tree). It's not a new theory, but it will likely outrage faithful Christians who've never encountered Gnostic, heretical and alternative histories of Christianity. (For instance, the Japanese believe Jesus survived and retired as a garlic farmer in Japan. Muslims believe Judas was crucified, not Jesus.)

It's no surprise that the life of Jesus is ripe for speculation and conspiracy - there isn't even a portrait of him, let alone a single word of writing by his hand or a contemporary historical account of his existence.

Worse, even the Christian bible isn't sure which Jesus character of the era was crucified. Was it Jesus the Nazarene, or Jesus bar Abbas (Barabbas)?

Were they one and the same? Then who got pardoned? Is it all just a parable taken literally by later Christians who wanted to believe in a human Jesus?

And the one guy credited with spreading the small Jewish cult to the larger world, St. Paul, knew nothing of the Jesus later created for the Gospels.

While most of the Western world -- beyond the United States and Italy -- no longer has any interest in worshipping Jesus, people sure are interested in the character, traditions and contradictions.

Dan Brown has reportedly earned $400 million from The Da Vince Code.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesu like many ancient hitorical charecters can only really be classed as mythological and a very potent one at that , one who can be manipipulated as a mthod to controll either conciously or not people .THERE WERE MANY JESUS who is to argue otherwise when i read the bible its like a fairytail and a great story but to believe it takes a giant step of imagineation as with all rigorious religions that depnd on a mythlogical tale to convince us of its validity with this i include islam ,the only religion without a narowminded tale is buddism which seems fare more open and les involved with fairytale modes of developing a high ideal of reliigious control

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