God Goes Gay! Smites Boy Scouts!
'How many scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?' Zzzzt! 'How many you got?'
Gay-Friendly God Smites Boy Scouts
from Big News Network
Instead of a feel-good event where boys revel in being boys, this year's annual Boy Scouts of America National Jamboree faced storms, deaths, electrocutions, horrors of biblical proportions, and a visit from President Bush.
The nightmare in Falls Church, VA has some wondering just what went wrong. Throughout history, wholesome, God-fearing groups have been favored with good weather during important annual festivities designed to showcase their right-mindedness.
But the Jamboree had deteriorated to such a state that President Bush playfully quipped, "You'd be better off in Iraq than here. I know where you can sign up!"
Others agreed. "Just look at the Jonestown massacre, they had excellent weather," grumbled one scoutmaster whose legs had broken after a giant replica merit badge for knot tying blew over on him during a thunderstorm. "They had perfect weather for their special day, and darn it, we deserve the same!"
Such was the consensus throughout the Jamboree, following an array of mishaps that called into question not only the preparedness of the Boy Scouts but also their closeness with God. Not only had the group been caught without body bags - let alone proper funeral supplies - they also seemed to be caught off guard with each successive disaster.
As scouts and their leaders attempt to heal from the physical and emotional wounds inflicted on them, some have begun suspecting God of "going gay."
"How else can you explain it?" demanded Jared Pabulum, a scout leader from Provo, Utah. "It's as though we drove His people from our midst and now He's smiting us." (The Boy Scouts went to the Supreme Court to win the right to expel gay scouts.)
Adding credence to the otherwise ludicrous speculation is the fact that God has been frequenting His local YMCA, where He's been spotted "working out" up to three times a week despite having a full Nautilus-brand home exercise system at home. "God merely enjoys the camaraderie and support of working out at the Y," explained spokesperson Ramone Bain. "There's nothing gay about that."
Bain, however, could not explain Will and Grace's 15 Emmy award nominations.
Thou Shalt Not Eat Carbs: God pauses at the gym today, checks his bad self out in the mirror, and, with a flex of his holy glut, smites some scouts in Kansas.