Q: How Many Pollocks Does It Take To Open a Baptist Church?
A: God Willing, Just One
Michael Gromek, 19, is from Poland, a nation known world over for its godless hedonism and atheistic college students. So when Michael came to visit the US, the Good Lord placed him in the noble hands of a God-fearing Evangelical Christian couple in North Carolina, our second-holiest state.
Gromek, though, was not particularly grateful. So he bitched to Der Spiegel, favorite newspaper of German Marxists.
Things began to go wrong as soon as I arrived in my new home in Winston-Salem, where I was to spend my year abroad. For example, every Monday my host family would gather around the kitchen table to talk about sex. My host parents hadn't had sex for the last 17 years because — so they told me — they were devoting their lives to God. They also wanted to know whether I drank alcohol. I admitted that I liked beer and wine. They told me I had the devil in my heart.
Gromek's host family also forced him to attend church each Sunday at horrifically early hours, and forbid him coffee when he complained. They told him his mother was possessed by the devil, and fed him "lollipops."
They wanted me to help them set up a Fundamentalist Baptist church in my home country of Poland. It was God's will, they said. They tried to slip the topic casually into conversation, but it really shocked me — I realized that was the only reason they had welcomed me into their family. They had already started construction work in Krakow — I was to help them with translations and with spreading their faith via the media.
Michael refused, and, sadly, remains unsaved to this day. As soon as he got back to Poland, all he did was bitch to a newspaper about how backwards and crazy us Americans are.
Here's to you, whiny Polish kid! We'll get ya next time.