Twas the Week Before Xmas When the Charges Were Filed; 'Felonies Navidad' for the Santas Gone Wild
'I smell jush fine so quit your squirm-hic, squirming, and tell Shanta what the fuck...shit, sorry kid...what the hell you fucking want because Shanta-hic, Shanta's gotta piss and Mrs. Claus over there costs $100/hour. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean, so let'sh hurry the fup uck or Christmas is cance-awww, don't start crying! Ok, get her off! Get her the fuck off me!'
Drunken Santa Rampage
A surly gang of 50 booze-crazed Santas went wild in the streets of Auckland on Saturday, pillaging shops and terrifying families.
The drunken Santas attacked security guards, threw beer bottles at cops and even urinated off a highway overpass onto the cars below.
Paramedics treated two security guards, one for wounds from a broken beer bottle and another who got a nice punch in the face from Santa.
Despite their drunkenness, the white-bearded lunatics managed to evade the cops all night. Just three Santas were arrested.
Christmas chaos reigned as the red-and-white-costumed maniacs spray-painted graffiti on walls, toppled garbage cans and brazenly looted stores.
"They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves," convenience store employee Changa Manakynda told the New Zealand Press Association.
As police tried to round up the renegade Santas, one bold St. Nick launched a one-man assault on a docked cruise ship. Others attacked a huge Christmas tree at the Sky City Casino. Another splinter gang hurled rocks at buses.
"It's just a pack of clowns, just a bunch of idiots getting together and taking the opportunity to be relatively anonymous by all wearing the same clothing, making it difficult to identify who's done what," police Sgt. Matt Rogers said.
The Associated Press, Reuters and the BBC all claimed the rampage was a protest against the commercialization of Christmas, but Drunken Santa leader Alex Dyer denied the media's claims of a message to the madness.
"It doesn't mean anything and it's not against anyone," Dyer told the New Zealand Herald. "It's just having fun. That's what life's about.
The Auckland rampage is loosely related to "Santarchy" events held by drunken Santas all over the world, but Dyer said his gang is all about chaos and drinking.
"People do Santarchy in other countries, sure, and for them maybe that's their aim, but with us we're just dressing up as Santa and getting drunk. We just like booze."
Santarchy - or Santacon as it's also known - began in San Francisco. In 1994, a man identifying himself as Klaus Maginrannus published his statement of purpose in the Twisted Times:
I need a drink real bad, and I'm hornier than a whole herd of reindeer. Keep your kids away from me. Keep your dog away from me. Me and my friends (30 other loser Santas) just graduated from the Kris Kringle Institute, and now we're gonna paint the town red. And white. And shove jingle bells up its ass! Merry fuckking Christmas!
In the 11 years since, the inaugural assault on holiday decency has spread across the country and as far away as Bangkok.
'Booze-crazed Santas' - is there really any other kind? Look at him, all tuckered out from his big day. Sleep tight, little elf.'