12.13.2005

And Bang, Just Like That, a New Religion Is Born (Yes, It's That Easy)...
Behold Orthodox Ovinism


'...bring you gifts of gold, frankincense, and this cute little bell we picked up at Target. O Downy One, Sheep of Sheep, bless your unworthy shepherds with thy wise bleatings & thy holy droppings of still-warm ovinity! What is thy bidding, O Prince of Fleece, O Chop of Cho-?'
'Baaaaaaaaa'
'Do you see?! IT'S A MIRACLE! A MIRACLE! WITH A MERE TWO SHAKES OF HIS TAIL, A MIRACLE! BEHOLD HIS SACRED PELLETS! So warm and moist! QUICK! FETCH THE HOLY MINT JELLY! AND SOME EXTRA PLATES!'
[The Gospel According to Wolfgang Puck]

'Hate-Crime' Possibility: Baby Jesus Kidnapped

from WorldNetDaily

Police in South Florida are investigating a possible hate crime after a "baby Jesus" was stolen from a Nativity scene and other figurines were rearranged to make it look like one of the Three Wise Men was worshipping a sheep.

After months of controversy over whether or not to even erect a depiction of the birth of Christ, the Cascades community in Port St. Lucie, Fla., finally posted a small display last Monday in its clubhouse, only to have someone abscond with a three-inch porcelain figurine of Jesus lying in a manger.

"It's unbelievably ugly," Gregory Siracusa told the Stuart News. "It was a hate crime. That's about the only way I can say it."

Police spokesman Rob Vega agrees that a hate-crime charge could be filed, should a suspect be caught.

Resident Elsa Thater, a supporter of the scene, was in the clubhouse Thursday night showing her friends the display when she noticed the missing infant and the sheep had become the object of adoration.

"It's just so ridiculous," she told the News.


'Nonono, you worship me! Got it? Me, capital M! I'm the Messiah! My Daddy says so! And by the way, 'Wool of Turin' - that's just stupid!' [P.S.: Officers, if your 'victim' is a three-inch piece of plaster, it's called 'shoplifting,' not 'kidnapping.' (It's not actually a real baby - it's confusing, I know.) And 'hate crimes' often involve 'hate.' And I have an alibi.]

1 Comments:

Blogger Rufus said...

Holy shit!

December 13, 2005 9:28 PM  

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