Dubya Poops on Baby Jesus, Declares Santa the Son of God, Shoves a Dreidel Up His...
Or Something Like That

'Are You Jesus?'

from Sploid

American Christians are furious over President Bush's apparent belief that Christmas celebrates the birth of Santa Claus.

At the White House Christmas Tree ceremony last week, Bush's remarks left the crowd stunned.

"Each year, we gather here to celebrate the season of hope and joy - and to remember the story of one humble life that lifted the sights of humanity," Bush said.

And then the president who claims to be a born-again Christian turned to an actor dressed as Santa Claus and said, "Santa, thanks for coming. Glad you made it. I know you've got a lot of commitments this time of year."

The message was clear: Christmas honors the life of a humble man named Santa Claus. The Baby Jesus was never even mentioned by Bush.

Conservative news site World Net Daily gave the president a chance to back down from his outrageous claims that Christmas is only for the worship of Santa Claus.

The White House wouldn't budge.

At today's White House press briefing, WND asked [White House spokesman Scott] McClellan if the president would apologize to Christians offended by his referring to Jesus as Santa. Suggesting the administration failed to see a problem with the remark, McClellan responded, "The president meant exactly what he said."

Conservative Christians believe the president is distancing himself from the religion of Jesus. Whether it's Bush's bizarre public statements about Santa Claus or the godless "holiday season" greeting cards from the White House, those who worship the Baby Jesus say Bush has turned on them and their faith.

Christmas Confusion

Experts say it's not surprising that President Bush would be confused about the holiday. Young children are often so baffled by the mishmash of characters and traditions that most agree Santa Claus is either the father of Baby Jesus or the grown-up Baby Jesus after he moved to the North Pole.

Like a crow or a raccoon, Christmas loves to collect the shiny celebrations of any culture or religion with something festive to offer.

December 25 comes when days in the Northern Hemisphere are the shortest of the year. The earliest humans celebrated in their own primitive ways, knowing the sun would soon be back for longer and longer days, and that the cold dark winter was giving way to spring.

In ancient civilizations including Persia, Greece, India and Rome, December 25 was celebrated as the birthday of a great god and savior. This sun god went by different names - Mithras and Sol Invictus were especially popular.

When the Roman Empire made Christianity the state religion in the 4th Century, the government renamed all the pagan festivals for characters in the new Christian Bible. This way, it was easy for everybody to "become Christian."

As there wasn't much of a story in the Gospels about the birth of Jesus - just a few lines - Roman bureaucrats decided to use the already popular story of Mithras' birth on December 25.
Baby Mithras was born in a manger and even had a virgin mom just like gods such as Krishna, Gautama Buddha and Zoroaster. There was even a star that led some Persian sorcerers (Magi) to come bring the little baby some presents. Soon, everybody was enjoying the new "Christ Mass" as Roman priests worked around the clock to destroy all references to Mithra and Sol Invictus they could find.

As Romans tried to switch the people of Northern Europe to the new Christian religion, all kinds of great new traditions were brought to the Baby Jesus' new birthday. Yule logs, "Christmas" trees, mistletoe, reindeer pulling sleighs, drinking lots of Grog and awaiting a visit from a mysterious Yule Elf from the faery world all came from the traditions of the people who lived in
darkness and cold for much of the year.

The Norwegian Vikings worshipped the most powerful god of all, Thor. He rode across the ice in a sleigh pulled by longhorned goats, his big white beard flapping in the freezing wind, kept warm by a weird costume.

And a priest from Turkey named Nikolas helped write the Bible and was made a Saint after he died. Legends say he could do many tricks, such as walking on water. After his bones were moved to Italy, he became one of the most popular Saints, and was the "patron saint" of pawnbrokers, bankers, Greeks and Russians.

St. Nikolas' Day (December 6) was a beloved celebration when Europeans would exchange gifts and get drunk just like they do today. Sometimes a guy would dress up like St. Nikolas - with his priestly Eastern robes, beard and crazy hat - and hand out little presents to the youngsters.

But in Germany, St. Nikolas was run out of town by Martin Luther, the anti-Catholic upstart who invented the Protestant churches. Martin Luther just hated how much people loved the Saints, so he banned them all. Clever Germans decided to call their St. Nikolas by a new name: Christ Child, or Christkindl. Martin Luther was probably furious, but there was nothing he could do.

The tall bearded character
didn't look too much like a Baby Jesus, but it did the trick.

Before long, the Dutch had mixed all this stuff up with the "Yule Elf" stories from their Norwegian neighbors and taken the whole confused mess to "New Amsterdam" in North America.

Today's Santa Claus is part Roman Saint, part pagan Nordic creature, and part weird grown-up German Baby Jesus...and that means President Bush is 100% right when he says Christmas is truly the holy time when we worship Santa Claus.


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