Archive: Myths of the Month

April 2005
Greek God of the Sun, art, and archery, often depicted as carrying the Sun across the sky in a fiery chariot pulled by flaming steeds.
Truth: Kicked Rocky's ass.

May 2005
Hawaiian Volcano Goddess, once a temperamental mortal woman who ascended to godhood after being torn apart. Her corpse is a hill on Maui.
Truth: Retired soccer player.

June 2005
David Koresh
Self-proclaimed Branch Davidian Messiah whose cult perished in a confrontation with the FBI after their compound mysteriously caught fire.
Truth: Con-man, lunatic, or both.

July 2005
Noah's Ark
Lifeboat of the Christian Flood, which saved from death Noah's family and two of every creature to later repopulate the Earth - sometimes depicted as carrying dinosaurs.
Truth: Ever tried wrangling two crocadiles? Or pterasaurs? Rhymes with 'choopid.'

August 2005
Egyptian Lord of the Underworld and one of three such deities governing the afterlife but the only one depicted as having the head of a jackal.
Truth: Cool name for a black dog.

September 2005
Genocidal alien warlord of Scientologist 'history' who imprisoned frozen enemy aliens inside Earth volcanoes and, in an attempt to destroy them using nuclear weapons, unwittingly created humanity. (Not to be confused with Warrior Princess.)
Truth: Scientologists crack me up.

October 2005
The Great Pumpkin
Never-seen Santa Claus-like Halloween spirit believed in solely by boy-philosopher Linus Van Pelt in the Peanuts cartoons. Linus sucks his thumb and carries around a security blanket.
Truth: Like God, unproven and never seen.

November 2005
Aztec/Mayan God of the Morning Star, usually depicted as a feathered serpent or winged snake.
Truth: Hard-to-pronounce basis for the dragon in the 1982 horror film Q.

December 2005
The Virgin Mary
Oxymoronic virgin mother of the Christian Messiah. Today, often 'seen' by followers in weeping statues, grilled-cheese sandwiches, and hallucinations.
Truth: Virgins don't give birth (Biology 101), sons aren't gods (Reality 101), sandwiches should be eaten (Subway 101).

January 2006
The Hindu belief that after one's death, the soul is reborn in a new body based on your deeds and the life lessons you still need to learn - sometimes human, sometimes animal, sometimes insect, sometimes Shirley MacLaine.
Truth: You just die. Once. The end.

February 2006
Adam's first wife in Judaism, based on a contradiction in Genesis. Created with Adam but from filth, Lilith refused to accept a subservient role and, sprouting wings in rage, left Adam and fled Eden - right into Lucifer's arms - and was replaced by the more submissive Eve. Interpreted alternately as child-killing Queen of Demons and innocent feminist goddess.
Truth: Neither. Ex-wife of Dr. Frasier Crane.

March 2006
'The Destroyer' of Hindu mythology, representing the destructive and creative aspects of God as the Divine Mother and often pictured with multiple arms, dripping blood, and wearing the corpses of children as earrings.
Truth: Cool animated statue that attacks Sinbad and his crew in The Golden Voyage of Sinbad.

April 2006
The Easter Bunny
Pagan mascot of the Christian holy day Easter, which celebrates the alleged 'resurrection' 'of' 'Christ.' Often depicted as a large, humanoid rabbit who leaves colored eggs in the Easter baskets of good children. Adapted from the myth of Ostara, a pagan goddess who once changed a bird into a flying, egg-laying rabbit for some reason.
Truth: Large, humanoid rabbits? Kinda creepy.

May 2006
The Anti-Christ
The prophecized spawn of Satan, an entity with ten horns and seven heads that will enjoy great power and influence before ushering in the Apocalypse, according to the New Testament as read by Madonna in the single "Justify My Love (Beast Within Mix)."
Truth: The coolest Christian fairy tale comes to a theater near you June 6, 2006.

June 2006
The Golem
As scientist is to android, rabbi is to golem. The golem of Jewish folklore is an artificial being or servant created from mud, faith, and a bunch of Kabbalah mumbo jumbo; Adam was considered the first.
Truth: In Hebrew, "golem" means "fool." In D&D, golems are magical constructs that come in many hard-to-destroy flavors, including iron, flesh, stone, and clay.

July 2006
The belief that Fate, Fortune, Chance, or some vague outside intelligence influences your life, granting you boons or burdens, depending on your lot, and influencing probabilities in your favor or at your expense.
Truth: Shit happens. Sometimes shit doesn't happen. Deal with it.

August 2006
Incest After Eden
The theory that In the Beginning, only the vile sin of incest can explain how Cain, Abel, and Adam and Eve's other sons could marry and have children - since the only women at the time were their own sisters and mother. The counter-argument that incest was not declared a sin by God until the time of Moses - so it was okay for Cain to thump his own sister's Bible - is both reflective of a morally relative, perhaps even indecisive deity and completely unnecessary. And creepy. Desperate. Sad. The alternative counter-argument that same-sex marriage also wasn't a sin and that maybe Cain and Abel adopted a little girl from Kenya they named Liza - well, I just made that one up. But it's equally valid.
Truth: Adam and Eve?! Bitch, that was your first mistake. Never existed. Genesis is a riddle wrapped in bullshit buried in a load of crap and roughly translated. Niggaple--what's that? Hmm...true, inbreeding does explain how so many people could still believe in these fairy tales. It's a wonder Christians aren't apple-headed, flipper-armed, feces-slinging hunchbacked hermaphroditic sideshow freaks from Oklahoma. Good point.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, honey, the bible says Adam and Eve were the FIRST humans created by God. Not the ONLY humans created by God. When he cast them out of Eden, his sinful chosen, he set them among everyone else and made them just like them. Only they had the belief of the Lord that made them. So they were different.

July 12, 2008 10:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, were you not loved enough? D:

May 25, 2009 11:46 PM  
Anonymous Use your brain said...

> Um, honey, the bible says Adam and Eve were the FIRST humans created by God. Not the ONLY humans created by God. When he cast them out of Eden, his sinful chosen, he set them among everyone else and made them just like them. Only they had the belief of the Lord that made them. So they were different

Then why were there other humans living on earth while adam & eve lived in heaven? That makes no sense. Also, I haven't found the mention of this story you're telling in bible or any other religious books of either religions.

August 17, 2009 8:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Reincarnation is possible. To make a claim of knowing "The truth", is pretty arrogant and narrow minded. You don't know what happens after death. Eternal blank forever after death makes no sense. We are born out of nothing. Why have life at all if you live once and die? Also we do die, the memory of this life die with the death of the brain. If we are reborn there is no memory of your past life. And that makes sense. If we remembered every life we ever lived you would not be able to function.

August 20, 2009 10:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is realy funny, my fave is the great pumkin.

September 17, 2009 1:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this site is gay

September 24, 2009 4:31 PM  
Blogger nubcackers said...

i love seeing the semi retarded responses to your opinionated blog. this is really funny and im actually learning about a lot of crazy shit i wouldnt have heard of otherwise. religious people are insane.

September 24, 2009 8:01 PM  
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November 28, 2009 5:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ummmm dude seriously stop hating. If you dont belive then thats fine but dont dis what you dont know nothing about. Your making an ass(donkey) out of yourself in front of everyone.....

December 10, 2009 7:35 PM  
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December 13, 2009 10:06 PM  
Anonymous Anti You said...

lol guys who ever posted this nice job i give you my coddos finally someone other than me and the rest of my group has learned how to put two and two together :)

January 09, 2010 1:15 PM  
Anonymous Anti You said...

and for you haters out there who are appreantlly agianst people posting their own oppions on the web you guys need a life just because your to stupid and self centered to think for your self u need a religion are a book to tell you how to live your life dosnt mean you have to rip on anyone else who dosnt think like you are live by the book you know the meanigless pieces of paper you live your life by called a holy intited are relic the truth is those books are mass produced im a factory far away in china so all you religoius freaks out there before you rip on this gut get a life and remebeer we dont look down on you because you live your life diffrent dont do it to us

January 09, 2010 1:23 PM  

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