1.12.2006

And Just When I'd Lost All Hope, Bam!, Politics Is Interesting Again


Ooh, I hope he eats another candidate during the debate!

'Vampyre' Candidate Backs Public Impaling

from The Associated Press

Honesty is very seldom heard nowadays, especially from a politician. So, I am going to break from political tradition. My name is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, Ph.D., L.D.D.D. I am a Satanic Dark Priest, Sanguinarian Vampyre and a Hecate Witch.
[Jon the Impaler for Governor]

MINNEAPOLIS - One gubernatorial candidate in Minnesota is giving a whole new meaning to the "dark side" of politics. A man who calls himself a satanic priest plans to run for governor on a 13-point platform that includes the public impaling of terrorists at the state Capitol building.

Jonathon Sharkey, also known as "The Impaler", plans to launch his gubernatorial campaign on — when else? — Friday the 13th. He'll make the announcement in Princeton.

"I'm going to be totally open and honest," said the 41-year-old leader of the "Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party."

"Unlike other candidates, I'm not going to hide my evil side," he said.

In Minnesota, anyone who pays the $300 filing fee can get on the gubernatorial ballot, and it seems that every year a few eccentric candidates make the rounds.

Sharkey raises the bar. For one thing, he told the Star Tribune in an e-mail that he drinks blood.

Including the impaling of terrorists, rapists, drug dealers, and other criminals, Sharkey's platform includes emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers, and better benefits for veterans.

Sharkey said he worships Lucifer and, while he says he has nothing against Christians, he calls the "Christian God the Father" his "mortal enemy."

He has not yet registered as a gubernatorial candidate, but he has already filed as a candidate for the 2008 presidential election.


When informed of Jon the Impaler's intended 2008 presidential run at a press conference this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney - a possible candidate himself - merely laughed, causing the lights in the room to flicker. "Does he advocate torture? Not just impaling, which can kill you instantly if not done properly, but the actual prolonged, hands-on, systematic mutilation of his enemies?" he asked the reporter. "I didn't think so. And he calls himself 'evil'? Pussy!" And then he bit the head off a kitten.

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