'Grow a Pair!' Virgin Mary's Pissed Off

'And go fuc-cue the heavenly music! Now, as I was saying, go fuck yourself.'

Man Just Using Virgin Mary To Get to Jesus

from The Onion

TUPELO, MS — The Blessed Mother Mary said Monday that devout Catholic Anthony Montero is simply praying to her as a way to get to her Son, Jesus Christ.

"People exploit me for my connections, worshipping me as a way to get closer to Jesus," said the Holy Virgin, bathed in a golden light and attended by seraphim. "How would Anthony feel if I called upon him in the guise of friendship, but simply wanted his cousin to do some plumbing work for me? It's just rude."

Our Lady added that, if Montero wants to reach Jesus so badly, maybe he should "grow a pair and pray to Him directly."