12.21.2005

'Tammy Faye Theater' Dinner & Movie: God Is My Co-Pilot So I Don't Need Your Tacky Damn Plane!: The Vicki O Story


Your host, Miss Tammy Faye Bakker: '...will count me down this week for a damn change before we go live, right? At least 'Say Cheese' or something! Honestly, Jack! My Ginger shits better stage directors than you! Don't you, Ging-DON'T INTERRUPT ME, goddammit! What?! We Are?! Now?!? WHAT DID I JUST FUC-Helllloooo, viewers! I'm so happy you're joining me for tonight's Tammy Faye Theater's Dinner & Movie here on public access Channel 91! You bring the dinner and moi brings the movie! Tonight's TFT drama is ripped straight from today's headlines - literally. And with only 15mn of rehearsal from a script written in lipstick on shopping bags while I was at Gelson's this morning, I think you'll agree that Meredith Baxter Birney - God bless her [dabs eye] - does a marvelous job as tonight's Fallen Preacher's Wife: The lovely, and now dangerous Victoria Osteen. Oooh! Beauty! Youth! Glamour! Power! Wealth! Family! Fame! She has it all - but nearly lost it al-oh, and God! She has God! But nearly lost it all this week in a diva eruption that made Oprah break a nail and that was felt as far away as Elton John! Oh, dear! I heard RuPaul came completely untucked! That Vicki's a firecracker! [giggles] Now, we all know how horrible those waitresses on airplanes are, but I've tried to tell Vicki that this isn't the 80s. In my day, before Jim screwed it all up, if my Ginger's ice wasn't cold enough and the waitress sassed me about ice having to be cold or it's water or some such nonsense, that waitress was FIRED! I'M TAMMY FAYE BAKKER, GODDAMMIT! [wine spills] She's the HELP! And so they'd kick HER off, not ME! Open that door, hand her a parachute and a map of the South Pacific, and then, poof, one nudge of a Gucci pump and she was sassing sharks! [giggles, dabs eye] Goodness! Those days were such a hoot! But those days are gone, honey! As dead as those awful waitresses. Today, remember two words: Air Marshals! You so much as drop a napkin in the aisle these days and they shoot you in the head and say you're one of those sand people! Vicki, praise Jesus, did not get shot in the head, or anywhere for that matter. But she made quite a stir, as we'll see in just a moment! So let's pour our wine, viewers....there we go. Let's see...mine's called Charles Shaw! Ooh! Sounds fancy! Oops, I've poured too much! Again! [giggle] Oh dear, this is fun! We should have wine on every show! Now viewers, gently grab the corner of the lid...are you ready? And 1...2...3! Woosh! [giggles, dabs eyes] Oh dear! Praise Jesus! So we have our glass of wine, possibly our third, our Lean Cuisine, and a toy poodle or beloved miniature pet of your choice (say hello Ginger). So settle in for tonight's Dinner & Movie feature. Meredith Baxter Birney, bless her heart, in God Is My Co-Pilot So I Don't Need Your Tacky Damn Plane!: The Vicki O Story!! [smile] Are we done? I've gotta pee. Get this chicken breast thing away from me. I'll take the wine to my dressing ro-What? Who? Are we playing charades now, Jack? What the hell are y-'

TV Pastor's Enraged Wife Kicked Off Plane

from Sploid

Victoria Osteen, wife of mega-church pastor Joel Osteen, was kicked off a Continental Airlines flight from Houston to Vail yesterday after a disagreement with a flight attendant.

"She failed to comply with the flight attendant's instructions, and they were asked to leave the flight," FBI spokeswoman Luz Garcia said without elaborating on the disagreement.

The flight was delayed for nearly an hour while the Osteens and their children got off the plane and had their luggage retrieved from the cargo bay.

Church spokesman Dan Iloff tried to downplay the incident as "minor," but would go into details. "In semantics, they might have been asked to be removed," he said. "Really, it was more of a mutual thing."

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