'B-But, My Boobs Spell Out "God"! See?!''Doesn't Matter. You're Still a Dork'

Sorry, But Christians Aren't 'Cool'

from Sploid

Multi-racial pals? Check.

Pre-legal teen gals in quasi-innocent lesbian embrace? Check.

Possibly ironic use of hippie bandanna? Check.

Insulting or vulgar slogan on girly t-shirt? SORRY, THEY'RE CHRISTIANS!

The shirts say "gee/oh/dee," apparently a clever way to put "GOD" on your teen boobs without the cool boys realizing you've got "GOD" on your teen boobs.

And that might work with the cool boys, because in high school reading is not exactly fundamental - especially for the cool crowd. But eventually, somebody in the cool crowd is going to figure out that "GOD" stuff.

Once again, the Born Again Christian industry is trying new ways to disguise its socially disastrous product (fundamentalist American Christianity) in popular youth wrappings such as "rock 'n roll" music, pornographic youth-clothing catalogs, and faux-offensive t-shirt slogans.

And just as the Born Again Christian industry has killed off what was left of rock music - can you honestly tell the difference between Coldplay or whatever and the generic "Christian Rock" filling up the left end of the FM dial these days? - the fake new trend of hiding fundamentalist American Christian codes on slogan t-shirts may wreck the whole ironic business for hundreds of godless retailers.

Take a look at this one. "H*** Sucks." So the Christian teen gal can say "sucks," apparently, but not "hell." What the hell? (Actually, it's no surprise Christian gals are allowed to say "sucks." Christian and Catholic teen gals were the first to accept that oral sex isn't really sex, thus preventing the damnation of their young, succulent souls.)

How about this one? Yeah, that's real punk rock. "Fear no evil." Ho ho, but it's really from that one Old Testament verse, one of the few taught to the American Fundamentalist Christians. Nobody will ever know down at the skateboard park!

(Why aren't the Christians putting some of the more interesting Bible verses on billboards, stickers and t-shirts? We like these, and these, and especially these...)

And what makes the young Christians so ashamed of their religion that they've always got to cloak it in the devil's gear? It's a rhetorical question, of course, because everybody knows the answer: The poor kids don't want to be shunned so early in life when they haven't even gotten officially laid yet, or been to college, or got high on the weird stuff, or experienced an ounce of actual intellectual stimulation. Sure, most American kids will never need their brains or critical thought, but a tiny voice inside even the most brainwashed Christian kid is saying, "Please don't shut off every single opportunity just yet. If you most go parading around in fundamentalist Christian wear, at least try to disguise it."

The Associated Press reports today:

With everyone and everything getting a makeover these days, it's safe to say that religion has not been overlooked.

Take for example, a shirt produced by online Christian retailer DATOmana, which boasts a picture of Jesus looking more like Billy Crudup's character in Almost Famous than the son of God. It's called the "Miracle Tour" tee.

"It's supposed to look like a concert tee," says Tom Biggs, president of DATOmana, which is based in Los Angeles. "On the back it has the towns where Jesus preached."

For those less inclined to fully flaunt their faith on their sleeve, DATOmana offers other Christian logos that are a bit more subtle - like "gee/oh/dee" and "hellsucks."

The shirts might ring a bit blasphemous to some, but Biggs says the they're a way for today's young Christians to express their faith in a manner that befits their "cool" fashion aesthetic.

Thanks for keeping the word "cool" in scare quotes, AP! Wink wink...

But there is hope for the ironic t-shirt business. The maker of these Christian t-shirts did an online poll (about as scientific as Creationism) and found some disturbing results:

Of course, not everyone who dons a religious shirt is being sincere about it. Overall, 6 percent of the survey respondents said they would only sport a Jesus shirt to be ironic. The majority of those respondents, says Biggs, were in New York.

Now it can get interesting. Of course it starts in New York or Los Angeles, but as with every other trend, it just needs to be on MTV or The O.C. or whatever, and pretty soon it will be in other American metro areas - and eventually, as proven by the big gals of rural America walking their local mall today with thong and fat a-bubblin' over low-rise jeans, the cool crowd at Anytown High will be sporting ironic Jesus T's, too.

As the old Johnny Cash gospel song says:

No, the circle won't be broken
By and by, Lord, by and by...