Who Did Cain Marry?
Fun with Bible Math: Hollywood Edition
Let me see if I have this right...
- So Adam was the first man (portrayed by Brad Pitt, naked in baby oil - so it is written!), reportedly made from dust that God (Snoop Dogg) breathed or sneezed on or something (alas, no witnesses). [Genesis 1:26]
"Achoo! Who you?"
"Well, mow da lawn, nigga!"
God saw the lawn, and it was goozizzle.
World Population: 1 (Adam)
- And Eve was the first woman, made from one of Adam's spare ribs. Well, spare once ripped from him. Mmmm....riiiibs. The limping sheep of Eden were quite relieved at her arrival. Confused and naked (Anne Heche), Eve didn't even have a name until Adam gave her one. [Genesis 3:20] Because, as we all know, women owe their very existances to men. And they better not forget it. So make me a sandwich. God commands it! Roast beef. I digress...
World Population: 2 (
Eve and A...Adam and Eve. Know thy place, woman!)
- Adam and Eve got it on, possibly with hair-pulling and a little ass-slapping, and Cain was their first son (Colin Farrell). [Genesis 4:1]
DVD Deleted Scene: Uncredited cameo by "that Kabbalah-bitch of an ex-wife" Lilith (Madonna "Editing Room Floor Esther" Ritchie) [Isaiah 34:14] .
World Population: 3 (Adam, Eve, and Cain. [Theatrical Version])
- Adam and Eve really, really liked sex (luckily, they weren't Catholic), banging like bunnies in a dryer and popping out sons and daughters so fast they couldn't even name them all (cast of Cats), an entire nation of disgruntled Jan Bradys and Kieran Culkins. By the time Adam reached age 930 (Keith Richards), Eve's stretchmarks had reached her ears (Barbara Bush, in her acting debut). Hmm, what's that? No, it's not a typo; he was 930 years old. You can't make this shit up! [Genesis 5:4] Don't question the Bible!
World Population: Um...Lots (Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel, Seth, Kieran, Jan, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, and a Bunch of Other Children)
- Now this is where it gets all Jerry Springer: After killing his brother Abel (a sniveling Orlando Bloom, whose death prompted a standing ovation from test audiences), Cain was exiled from Eden by Snoop Almighty (Eye for an Eye legislation had not yet passed Congress) only to inexplicably marry...and have children. [Genesis 4:16-17] Possibly all named Billy Bob or Skeeter.
World Population: Disturbingly Finite.
The Big Question...
So who did Cain marry? I can see by the vomiting that some of you have figured it out already. OK, everyone take out their calculators!
tap tap tap
Put Your Pencils Down: That's right, the correct answer is "incest." ("Angelina Jolie" and "Oklahoma" are also acceptable.) Which, luckily for Cain, wasn't even declared "wrong" until Charlton Heston started parting oceans and overacting. [Leviticus 18]
No, it's not an error, perverse, or hypocritical; it's wisdom.
Mysterious ways, people!
And then, of course, Zeus cracked open his father's skull and released his siblings. Amen.
These and other delightful myths can be found at your local library. Which, thanks to Bush budget cuts, is now an NRA shooting range. (Democrats, sodomites, and atheists = double points!)