Fucking Jews, Sugar Tits & Drunken Violence...Another Day in the Life of Super-Catholic Mel Gibson

Gibson's Anti-Semitic Tirade - Alleged Cover Up

from TMZ

TMZ has learned that Mel Gibson went on a rampage when he was arrested Friday on suspicion of drunk driving, hurling religious epithets. TMZ has also learned that the Los Angeles County Sheriff's department had the initial report doctored to keep the real story under wraps.

TMZ has four pages of the original report prepared by the arresting officer in the case, L.A. County Sheriff's Deputy James Mee. According to the report, Gibson became agitated after he was stopped on Pacific Coast Highway and told he was to be detained for drunk driving Friday morning in Malibu. The actor began swearing uncontrollably. Gibson repeatedly said, "My life is fucked." Law enforcement sources say the deputy, worried that Gibson might become violent, told the actor that he was supposed to cuff him but would not, as long as Gibson cooperated. As the two stood next to the hood of the patrol car, the deputy asked Gibson to get inside. Deputy Mee then walked over to the passenger door and opened it. The report says Gibson then said, "I'm not going to get in your car," and bolted to his car. The deputy quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car.

TMZ has learned that Deputy Mee audiotaped the entire exchange between himself and Gibson, from the time of the traffic stop to the time Gibson was put in the patrol car, and that the tape fully corroborates the written report.

Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother fucker. I'm going to fuck you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me."

The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "Fucking Jews...The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"

The deputy became alarmed as Gibson's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

We're told Gibson took two blood alcohol tests, which were videotaped, and continued saying how "fucked" he was and how he was going to "fuck" Deputy Mee.

Gibson was put in a cell with handcuffs on. He said he needed to urinate, and after a few minutes tried manipulating his hands to unzip his pants. Sources say Deputy Mee thought Gibson was going to urinate on the floor of the booking cell and asked someone to take Gibson to the bathroom.

After leaving the bathroom, Gibson then demanded to make a phone call. He was taken to a pay phone and, when he didn't get a dial tone, we're told Gibson threw the receiver against the phone. Deputy Mee then warned Gibson that if he damaged the phone he could be charged with felony vandalism. We're told Gibson was then asked, and refused, to sign the necessary paperwork and was thrown in a detox cell.

Deputy Mee then wrote an eight-page report detailing Gibson's rampage and comments. Sources say the sergeant on duty felt it was too "inflammatory." A lieutenant and captain then got involved and calls were made to Sheriff's headquarters. Sources say Mee was told Gibson's comments would incite a lot of "Jewish hatred," that the situation in Israel was "way too inflammatory." It was mentioned several times that Gibson, who wrote, directed, and produced 2004's The Passion of the Christ, had incited "anti-Jewish sentiment" and "For a drunk driving arrest, is this really worth all that?"

We're told Deputy Mee was then ordered to write another report, leaving out the incendiary comments and conduct. Sources say Deputy Mee was told the sanitized report would eventually end up in the media and that he could write a supplemental report that contained the redacted information - a report that would be locked in the watch commander's safe.

Initially, a Sheriff's official told TMZ the arrest occurred "without incident." On Friday night, Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore told TMZ: "The L.A. County Sheriff's Department investigation into the arrest of Mr. Gibson on suspicion of driving under the influence will be complete and will contain every factual piece of evidence. Nothing will be sanitized. There was absolutely no favoritism shown to this suspect or any other. When this file is presented to the Los Angeles County District Attorney, it will contain everything. Nothing will be left out."

On Saturday, Gibson released the following statement:

"After drinking alcohol on Thursday night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car when I should not have, and was stopped by the LA County Sheriffs. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said. Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health."

Mine Prefers Mormon

Woman in Doghouse over Jehovah's Witness Sign

from Reuters

LONDON - A British woman has been ordered by police to take down a sign on her garden gate which read "Our dogs are fed on Jehovah's Witnesses."

Janet Grove, who owns a terrier puppy called Rabbit, insisted the sign was a gentle joke to discourage callers at her front door.

Her late husband put the sign up more than 30 years ago when members of the church called at their house on Christmas Day.

But police were forced to act after receiving a complaint.

"We were informed by a member of the public who found the sign to be distressing, offensive and inappropriate," a police spokesman said. "Officers attended the address and the sign was voluntarily taken down."

'......Bending Mary Over the Counter, Jesus Whipped Out His 10-Inch Throbbing King of Coc...'

Radio Format Changes from Religion to Sex

from The Associated Press

KINGSBURG, Calif. - KFYE-FM hasn't budged from the Fresno-area dial, but it's about as far as you can get from the Christian music, sermons and Bible stories it was broadcasting until about a week ago.

Now it calls itself "Porn Radio" — "all sex radio, all the time," with a suggestion that people under 21 not listen.

Songs with little in common except suggestive titles and lyrics fill the playlist, including "Why Don't We Do It in the Road" by The Beatles, "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye and "Nasty" by Janet Jackson. Tamer songs are heated up by adding recorded moans and groans.

The change, made after the station was sold this month, was met with several non-sexual groans from some residents.

"It would appear this is another of those promotions that are simply designed to create controversy," longtime Fresno radio personality Ed Beckman told The Fresno Bee. "This format belongs on Sirius or XM, not on over-the-air."

The station tries not to cross the line, said owner Jerry Clifton.

The End is Nigh! But First, Here's Johnny with Sports...

CNN or CBN? Phillips Asks Apocalypse Authors: '[A]re We Living in the Last Days?'

from Media Matters for America via Cay (thanks for the link)

For the second time in three days, CNN featured a segment on the potential coming of the Apocalypse, as indicated by current conflicts in the Middle East. The July 26 edition of CNN's Live From... featured a nine-minute segment in which anchor Kyra Phillips discussed the Apocalypse and the Middle East with Christian authors Jerry Jenkins and Joel C. Rosenberg - who share the view that the Rapture is nigh. At one point in the discussion, Phillips asked Rosenberg whether she needed "to start taking care of unfinished business and telling people that I love them and I'm sorry for all the evil things I've done," to which Rosenberg replied: "Well, that would be a good start." Throughout the segment, the onscreen text read: "Apocalypse Now?"

As Media Matters for America documented, the July 24 edition of CNN's Paula Zahn Now featured a segment examining what "the Book of Revelation tell[s] us about what's happening right now in the Middle East." CNN re-aired this segment the next day. Media Matters also noted that Rosenberg is just one of several conservative media figures who have identified and expounded upon the purported signs of the Apocalypse to be found in the Israel-Hezbollah conflict. During his appearance on Live From..., Rosenberg claimed that he had been invited to the White House, Capitol Hill, and the CIA to discuss the Rapture and the Middle East, and noted - several times - that the apocalyptic events described in his novels keep coming true.

Jenkins is co-author, with conservative activist Tim LaHaye, of the Left Behind series of books, which uses the Book of Revelation as a "framework" to tell a story of the End Times. According to a January 28, 2004, Rolling Stone article, LaHaye "prodded the Rev. Jerry Falwell to found the Moral Majority" and co-founded the Council for National Policy, "a secretive group of wealthy donors that has funneled billions of dollars to right-wing Christian activists." LaHaye's wife, Beverly LaHaye, founded the conservative group Concerned Women for America.

From the July 26 edition of CNN's Live From ...:

PHILLIPS: So dig this. A man was bulldozing a bog in central Ireland the other day when he noticed something unusual in the freshly turned soil. Turns out he'd unearthed an early medieval treasure: an ancient book of Psalms that experts date to the years 800 to 1000. Experts say it will take years of painstaking work to document and preserve this book, but eventually it will go on public display.

Now here's the kicker. The book, about 20 pages of Latin script, was allegedly found opened to Psalm 83. Now, if you're a scholar, as you know, Psalm 83: "God hears complaints that other nations are plotting to wipe out the name of Israel." Well, that's precisely the kind of news nugget that would get the attention of my next guests -- a seemingly random event with an eerie coincidence to reality. Jerry Jenkins is in New York. Now, along with Tim LaHaye, he co-authored the widely popular Left Behind series -- only 63 million books sold, by the way. Also joining me, Joel Rosenberg in Washington. He's the author of The Copper Scroll [Tyndale House, August 2006], the latest of several apocalyptic novels. So, gentlemen, from books, to blogs, to the back pews, the buzz is all about the End Times. What do you think of the Book of Psalms? Is this going to be the next thing that both of you will write about?

ROSENBERG: Jerry, go ahead.

PHILLIPS: I'm getting smiles from both. All right, Jerry, will this be your next book?

JENKINS: Well, it's an amazing news story, I hadn't heard it-

PHILLIPS: Really? OK, this is news to you, then.

JENKINS: Yeah. In some ways, it's not terribly surprising. I mean, I think God finds ways of communicating with us, and he does that through his Word. That's an incredible story, and it will probably have to be written in fiction form because people are going to find it hard to believe.

PHILLIPS: Well, Jerry, you've sold 60 million - 63 million-plus books about the End Times. Why do you think they have been so successful, and why did you go that route? Why did you want to write about it?

JENKINS: Well, the idea for fiction about the End Times was really Dr. LaHaye's. He's a prophecy scholar and theologian. He's been studying this stuff longer than I've been alive. But he just had the idea that after writing several nonfiction books about the subject, that if we could put it in fiction format, more people would find it accessible and understandable. And that's proven true. And because of the end of the millennium and because of 9-11 and because of what's happening in the Middle East right now, people are scared to death about the future, and I think they hear about books that are based on the prophecies of Scripture, and it just intrigues them and it makes them want to find out what we think.

PHILLIPS: So, Joel, are we living in the last days? I mean, let's talk about the specific signs to watch. You've written about them. What does the Bible say, and are we there?

ROSENBERG: Well, people are very interested, I agree. Tim and Jerry's books deal with the Rapture, the disappearance of the church, and the events going forward in Revelation. My theories - The Ezekiel Option, The Copper Scroll - are about events that could lead up to the Rapture and the return of Christ. Yeah, people are interested because the rebirth of Israel, the fact that Jews are living in the Holy Land today, that is a Bible prophecy. When Iran, Libya, Syria, Lebanon, Russia, they begin to form an alliance against Israel, those are the prophecies from Ezekiel 38 and 39. I've been - that's what I'm basing my novels on.

I've been invited to the White House, Capitol Hill. Members of Congress, Israelis, Arab leaders all want to understand the Middle East through the lens of biblical prophecies. I'm writing these novels that keep seeming to come true. But we're seeing Bible prophecy, bit by bit, unfold in the Middle East right now.

PHILLIPS: And you talk about epic battles for Jerusalem - the biblical prophecy. Get specific with us. Tell us what's happening now that totally correlates with what you've written about biblically.

ROSENBERG: Well that's right. Ezekiel 36 and 37, those are chapters in the Bible, the Old Testament, about the rebirth of the state of Israel and Jerusalem coming back under Jewish control. We've seen those prophecies happen. Ezekiel 38 and 39, what my novel The Ezekiel Option is about, is an alliance of Islamic countries to destroy Israel and liberate Jerusalem. Are we seeing that come true yet? That's the big question. Then, Ezekiel 40 through 48, that's the rebirth of the Jewish temple, the rebuilding of it, in Jerusalem. Now, you know, if that happens in our lifetime, that alone could unleash the wrath of a billion Muslims worldwide. That's what The Copper Scroll is about - hunting for treasures, hunting for ancient documents, and the series of events that unfold that would lead to the Jewish temple and an apocalyptic war in the Middle East.

PHILLIPS: All right now, Jerry, you know, there are a number of people, I'm sure, that would sit back and go, "You know what, that Jerry and that Joel, they are crazy. How can you take this book that was written more than a thousand years ago - these are just stories. You can't relate it to what's happening right now." What do you say to those critics?

JENKINS: Well, I think that's the uniqueness of how we treat the Scripture. So many people try to interpret Revelation symbolically or figuratively, and they can interpret it a couple of hundred different ways. Dr. LaHaye's view has always been let's take what we can - literally, what we can take literally, and tell it as if John the Revelator meant what he said. When he said, "I looked and I saw," unless he's making some comparison, let's just tell it as a literal story. It's really made it come to life for people and open it up and make it understandable. It has for me as a writer. And all the prophecies of the Old Testament about the coming of Christ as a baby were fulfilled literally, so we're saying: What if all the prophecies of the New Testament about Jesus coming back and Rapture and his church are also literal? We should treat those that way and just see what it looks like.

PHILLIPS: Joel, you also write about the Prophet Zechariah, and if remember right, let's see, I think it was [chapter] 12, right? Twelve, [verses] 1 to 3.

ROSENBERG: That's right.

PHILLIPS: Make the correlation for our viewers.

ROSENBERG: Well, this is - this is about - this is the prophecy that says that God is going to cause the nations of the world - the leaders of the nation almost get drunk with the dream of recapturing Jerusalem. Now, the Bible says that Jerusalem will come back under Jewish control in the last days. That'll be one of the indicators. Well, that's where we are today. But, what are we watching? Saddam Hussein or Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Hezbollah leader [Hassan] Nasrallah, they're all drunk with the dream of capturing Jerusalem. That's what The Copper Scroll novel is about, which is this battle, this intense battle to liquidate the Jewish people and liberate Jerusalem. I mean, are we seeing that happen? It's hard not to say that we are. I mean, that's why I've gotten invited over to the CIA and the White House and Capitol Hill, because people - it's not that they necessarily believe the prophecies, but they want to understand the prophecies in the Bible in light of what's going on right now.

PHILLIPS: Do you think they're taking what you're saying and incorporating it into foreign policy?

ROSENBERG: I wouldn't go that far. But I would say -- I would say that Bible prophecy is an intercept from the mind of God. It's actually fairly remarkable intelligence, and that's why my novels keep coming true, because mine are on this side of the Rapture, leading up to Jerry and Tim's books, but they suggest events that the Bible does lay out that will get us closer to those events. And, in fact, one by one in The Last Jihad, my book The Last Days, The Ezekiel Option, and now The Copper Scroll, have this feeling of coming true. I think that's why a million copies have sold. They're New York Times best-sellers, because they're based on Bible prophecy, and they are coming true bit by bit, day by day.

PHILLIPS: Jerry, what do you think about what Joel wrote, about watching the Russian-Iranian alliance seeking to wipe out Israel?

JENKINS: Well, I find it very fascinating, and of course, Joel is a real geopolitical watcher. You know, compared to him, I'm just a novelist. But as he said, we're talking - you know, Dr. LaHaye and I are writing about things that are yet to come in the far future. But one of our takes is that nothing else has to happen before Jesus returns. He could do it at any time. And regardless who's in charge or what the state of the temple is, we feel all the prophecies have been fulfilled leading up to the return of Christ, which means it could be today, tomorrow, next week, or a hundred years from now. I'm fascinated by all the stuff that Joel is watching and seeing and just love hearing him talk about it.

PHILLIPS: Joel, do I need to start taking care of unfinished business and telling people that I love them and I'm sorry for all the evil things I've done?

ROSENBERG: Well, I think that would be a good start. I mean, Jesus loves the people of the Middle East. Matthew 15 - Jesus was in southern Lebanon. Why? Telling the people of Lebanon that he loved them, that God loved them. What's interesting is I was just at the Iraqi prime minister's speech today. You know, the Bible taught in Jewish theology and Christian that Iraq will be reborn as a country and be phenomenally peaceful and prosperous, and then a huge dictator known as the Antichrist will arise. Watching this speech today in the House of Representatives, the first speech by an Iraqi prime minister to a joint session of Congress, bit by bit we're watching Revelation and the other prophecies get closer and closer to fulfillment.

PHILLIPS: Joel Rosenberg and Jerry Jenkins, you both scare me, but you both fascinate me. Gentlemen, thank you so much. I appreciate it.

In Logan's Run, They Kill the Old People...I'm Just Sayin'

Too Many Old Nuns!

from Sploid

The Catholic Church is facing a crisis not unlike the one threatening America's Social Security system: too many old folks. With more than half of nuns over age 70, the annual cost of caring for all these women will soon top $1 billion annually.

With tons of nuns approaching the retirement age of 75 and too few novices - young nuns - to support them, the future liabilities outstrip the funds available by $8.7 billion. That number is expected to reach $20 billion by 2023.

Things could've been a lot worse if the idea of squirreling oneself away in a nunnery hadn't fallen out of fashion. From 1965 to 2005, the nun population plummeted nearly 62%, from 179,954 to 68,634.

Making the problem even more dire is all the money the Church has spent covering up and atoning for the monstrous sexual appetites of their priests. Since 1950, the Church has doled out more than $1 billion to the victims of sexual abuse.

Just outside of Cincinnati, some are trying to lessen the sting of retired nun-dom the only way they know how: with ice cream. Dave and Ramona Banks recently hopped in their Mister Softee ice cream truck to visit the Sisters of the Good Shepherd's Pelletier Hall in Fort Thomas, Ohio, home to 18 retired nuns.

"You can see the kid in everyone's face," Ramona Banks said.

After spending their lives married to God, a visit from the ice cream man is as close to the satisfying rush of sex or drugs as these women - in their 80s and 90s - can hope to get.

"The thrill of it is they are able to choose" what flavor ice cream they eat, Sister M. Elise said.

Other nuns aren't so lucky. Instead of visits from the ice cream man, they get visits from Dr. David Snowdon. Twenty years ago Snowdon launched his infamous "Nun Study." He's been tracking the effects of aging on more than 700 nuns, trying to find clues to the mysteries of Alzheimer's disease.

Even after their deaths, Snowdon continues to study the nuns.

"When we die our souls go to heaven, but our brains go to Kentucky," joke those who have agreed to serve as Snowdon's lab rats.

It's in Kentucky where Snowdon has amassed the world's largest collection of nun brains, more than 500.

Sadly, brain freeze and frozen brains won't be enough to care for the nuns unlucky enough to live into geriatric poverty.

The Example of Fairness & Equality Being Exhibited by Representing Them at All Is, Of Course, Completely Lost of Them

ACLU Sues for Anti-Gay Group That Pickets at Troops' Burials

from The Associated Press

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - A Kansas church group that protests at military funerals nationwide filed suit in federal court, saying a Missouri law banning such picketing infringes on religious freedom and free speech.

The American Civil Liberties Union filed the lawsuit Friday in the U.S. District Court in Jefferson City, Mo., on behalf of the fundamentalist Westboro Baptist Church, which has outraged mourning communities by picketing service members' funerals with signs condemning homosexuality.

The church and the Rev. Fred Phelps say God is allowing troops, coal miners and others to be killed because the United States tolerates gay men and lesbians.

Missouri lawmakers were spurred to action after members of the church protested in St. Joseph, Mo., last August at the funeral of Army Spec. Edward L. Myers.

The law bans picketing and protests "in front of or about" any location where a funeral is held, from an hour before it begins until an hour after it ends. Offenders can face fines and jail time.

A number of other state laws and a federal law, signed in May by President Bush, bar such protests within a certain distance of a cemetery or funeral.

In the lawsuit, the ACLU says the Missouri law tries to limit protesters' free speech based on the content of their message. It is asking the court to declare the ban unconstitutional and to issue an injunction to keep it from being enforced, which would allow the group to resume picketing.

"I told the nation, as each state went after these laws, that if the day came that they got in our way, that we would sue them," said Phelps's daughter Shirley L. Phelps-Roper, a spokeswoman for the church in Topeka, Kan. "At this hour, the wrath of God is pouring out on this country."

Scott Holste, a spokesman for Missouri Attorney General Jay Nixon, said, "We're not going to acquiesce to anything that they're asking for in this lawsuit."

The suit names Nixon, Gov. Matt Blunt (R) and others as defendants.

What If......Cagney & Lacey Were Virgins?

Dutch Nuns on Bikes Chase Suspected Thief

from The Associated Press

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Two Dutch nuns, wearing habits and riding bikes, chased a suspected thief through Amsterdam, police said Monday.

On Saturday evening, one of the sisters believed she recognized a man walking past their chapel in southern Amsterdam as a thief who snatched hundreds of dollars in cash from the building two weeks earlier, Amsterdam police spokesman Rob van der Veen said.

She invited him inside for a drink and asked a fellow nun to alert police.

The man, apparently suspecting what was happening, fled the building and snatched a bicycle from a passer-by.

"The nuns then grabbed their bikes and gave chase. They tried to grab him, but he managed to escape into a residential neighborhood and they lost him," Van der Veen said. Police hunted for the man in the neighborhood but could not find him.

But Now My Car Smells Like Nazi!

Jesus, the Other White MeatvsUnconsciousness, the Other Near-Death

Yellow-Haired Jesus Saves!

from Sploid

A little boy in the Philippines has come back from the dead after 17 hours, thanks to a blond and bearded Jesus who saved him.

In early June, ten-year-old Dante "Jun-Jun" Cardel Jr. started inexplicably vomiting blood. By late June, doctors had diagnosed a fatal and inoperable brain tumor.

His parents were devastated.

On June 21, Jun-Jun succumbed following his brief but valiant battle with cancer. Doctors removed his life-support system and pronounced him dead. His weeping parents brought the body home, cradling him on their laps as they made the long journey from the Philippine General Hospital in Manila to their home in Puro.

There they were greeted by a crowd of neighbors who had set up tents, tables, and chairs for Jun-Jun's wake. To their collective surprise, Jun-Jun sat bolt upright around 8 a.m. and asked for food.

He later told The Manila Times about his brief visit to the afterlife.

"I was in my father's arms when I saw Jesus Christ with a beard and long blond hair. He told me to wake up. There were two birds beside him, one black and the other white, flying around jackfruit trees. Jesus looked at me and touched my eyes. When I woke up I looked up at the sky, but I didn't see him again," he said.

According to another source, the boy saw a church with beautiful singing angels and the aforementioned golden-haired Jesus.

If nothing else, this amazing miracle at least clears up the age-old question about the color and length of the hair of the Christian savior.

Q: How Many Amish Does It Take To Screw in a Lightbulb?A: How Many You Got?

Yeah, that's totally not in the Bible.

Sex Is on Everyone's Mind at Swinging Convention

from Reuters

LAS VEGAS - Vera Rhodes has come a long way from her conservative upbringing in Pennsylvania's Amish community.

There she was a virgin until she married at age 30. Now, she is an enthusiastic 54-year-old member of the millions-strong "swinging" community who speaks openly of her encounters with multiple sexual partners.

"Last night it was really special," said Rhodes, who is divorced and makes a living giving massages in the Midwestern state of Iowa. "There was a couple from Mexico, a couple from Virginia and a couple from Ireland, from Australia."

"I like to participate in life as much as possible," she said with a broad smile.

Rhodes was among some 3,000 people gathered on Saturday at the Stardust Hotel in Las Vegas for the annual Lifestyles conference, a five-day, $700-per-couple event that offers a mix of seminars, socializing and sex.

Early on Saturday, Rhodes was back for more, joining the action in a suite where more than a dozen couples were having sex.

The conference organizer, Robert McGinley, 72, president of The Lifestyles Organization, estimates that there are 3 million swingers in the United States alone. He founded his group in 1969 and began holding the annual conferences in the 1970s.

He said his firm brings in millions of dollars in annual sales from organizing tours to swinger-friendly resorts, Internet sites and from conferences. The Las Vegas event is the largest annual U.S. swinging event, he said.

"The lifestyles community is rapidly expanding," he said. "It's an expanding economic powerhouse."

The crowd at the Stardust appeared mostly middle-aged and middle-class. And many were nowhere near as active as Rhodes. Organizers estimated that perhaps 40 percent of the couples were attending their first conference.

"I'm still thinking about it; we've been monogamous for 26 years," said one middle-aged newcomer from Palm Springs, California, who said she was raised a Roman Catholic.

At one seminar, several women were overcome as the presenter demonstrated a sexual device - one passed out in the packed room.

For all their enthusiasm, few of the swingers tell family and friends about their hobby.

"Socially, we're pariahs," said Drew Alexander, 40, who attended with this wife Tina, 38. "We're behaving in a way that's completely against the ingrained Catholic values."

Another couple did not want their names printed but were far from shy. They made love early on Saturday in the hospitality suites where couples wandered from room to room to watch the action at close range. They emerged from their experience beaming, saying seeing others sparked more passion.

One attendee who stayed completely on the sidelines was the man behind the event.

"I've never been a big swinger, that's not the point," McGinley said. "What I would like to do is bring a new understanding of sexuality in our lives and our relationships."

Holy Shiite! Muslims Burn Stuff...Just Cuz

Pakistanis Burn Down Pizza Hut After Funeral

from Exploding Cigar

Hundreds of youths in Pakistan burned down a local Pizza Hut, set fire to dozens of cars and two gas stations Saturday after a funeral for a slain Islamic Shiite cleric. The cleric was killed by a suicide bomber in an apparent attempt to inflame tensions between Shiites and Sunnis. Police responded with teargas, batons, and gunshots fired in the air.

Blood! Death! Jesus!

Lovin' That Bloodshed

from Sploid

Apocalyptic Christians are thrilled over the horrific bloodshed in Lebanon.

That's because they're hoping the End of the World is finally at hand -- and only some 1,950 years after Jesus reportedly promised it would happen.

Christians have been depressed for two millennia over their savior's lies. But instead of giving up, they just keep looking for signs of the apocalypse Christ swore would occur during the lifetimes of his original disciples.

Harper's Magazine has been collecting some of the happy comments from the "Rapture Ready" website this week, where the mood is joyous:

"Praise God! We are chosen to be in these times and also watch and spread the word," one bloodthirsty Christian wrote. "Something inside me is exploding to get out, and I don't know what it is. Its kind of like I want to do cartwheels around the neighborhood."

Watching the massacre of innocent Lebanese on television, another one of Jesus' followers wrote, "Got that dancing feeling on the inside of me."

Christians believe Jesus will eventually make good on his promise, and they pay special attention to a crazy book in the New Testament called "The Revelation" or "The Apocalypse of St. John." In that psychedelic rant, the anonymous author claims all sorts of horrible things will happen.

Myriad multi-faced monsters will come out of the sky and kill people, for one thing, while some huge war is supposed to take place at Armageddon, a nonexistent place in Palestine that is only mentioned in the Greek text of Revelation.

But for Christians who pray every day for the destruction of Earth and the brutal torture of the billions of people who don't follow their religion, the best part is when Jesus will magically suck all of the Christians from the Earth - right out of their clothes.

The awful image of millions of fat, naked Christians being hoovered into the sky may be disgusting to most people, but to the "Rapture Ready" crowd there is nothing more orgasmic.

The English term rapture comes from the Latin word for rape; Christians hoping for the Rapture are literally begging to be raped by Jesus. Sadly for those Christians, neither the word "rapture" nor the concept actually appears anywhere in the Bible.

The controversial Book of Revelation has long been attacked by important Christians such as Martin Luther, who wrote that "Christ is neither taught nor known in it."

Biblical scholars dismiss Revelation as nothing more than a nearly-crushed cult's political rhetoric against the ruling empire of the Romans, like an ancient version of David Koresh's mad ramblings before the U.S. government massacred him and more than 70 of his followers and their little children.

Faith-Based, Inc.

Report: Church-State Lines Not Always Drawn With Faith-Based Groups

from Religious News Service

An examination of the White House's faith-based initiative has found that some organizations are not separating religious activities from federally funded services.

At the request of two members of Congress, the U.S. General Accountability Office spent more than a year conducting a review of federal and state agencies related to the White House Office of Faith-based and Community Initiatives. The GAO also investigated religious groups that have received government grants.

The report, released Tuesday, said officials at 26 faith-based organizations that were visited by investigators said they understood that government funds could not pay for religious activities.

But reviewers found "four of the 13 FBOS (faith-based organizations) that offered voluntary religious activities - such as prayer and worship - did not appear to understand the requirement to separate these activities in time or location from their program services funded with federal funds."

One faith-based worker told investigators that she discusses religious matters while providing a service funded by the government if a participant asks and others don't object. In a few cases, staffers at faith-based groups said they prayed with program beneficiaries if they requested it.

Alyssa J. McClenning, a spokeswoman for the White House faith-based office, said efforts are made to prevent such situations. "The administration is engaged in continuous efforts to ensure that the regulations governing appropriate use of federal financial assistance are disseminated and understood by grantees," she said.

But the congressmen who sought the review said the results show management of the fund is in question.

"The Bush administration has failed to develop standards to verify that faith-based organizations aren't using federal funds to pay for inherently religious activity or to provide services on the basis of religion," said Rep. Pete Stark, D-Calif., who requested the report with Rep. George Miller, D-Calif.

George Washington University Law School professor Ira Lupu, said the overall report showed no widespread abuse of federal funds but pointed out the need for more monitoring on church-state matters.

"People don't understand that you couldn't do a prayer service in a government-funded program, that you had to do it separately," he said. "People somehow think in those groups so long as it's voluntary, it's OK. That's not the constitutional law."

Suddenly, My Opinion of 'The Church' SkyrocketsShe's Kinda Cool

Charlotte Church Faces Catholic Boycott Over Nazi Pope Jibe

from The Daily Mail

One of the world’s largest Roman Catholic publishing houses has refused to sell any works by Charlotte Church after she called German-born Pope Benedict XVI a "Nazi."

The directors of US-based Ignatius Press were offended when the Welsh singer mocked the Church in the pilot of her forthcoming eight-part Channel 4 television chat show.

Church, dubbed the "voice of an angel" before she turned her talents to popular music, also dressed up as a nun and pretended to hallucinate while eating communion wafers imprinted with Ecstasy smiling faces.

She smashed open a statue of the Virgin Mary to reveal a can of cider inside, said she worshipped St. Fortified Wine, and stuck chewing gum on a statue of the child Jesus.

Now Ignatius Press, a company considered a "Catholic Amazon" because of the vast range of books, DVDs, cassettes and videos it sells online, has announced that Church's products have been withdrawn from its website and catalogue.

The company said: "It is with regret that we do this. Miss Church possesses a great gift from God, and in the past she has used her talents to offer praise and glory to our Lord.

"But we cannot stand by a young woman who uses her stature in the media to mock the Eucharist, slander the Holy Father, and denigrate the vows of religious women," it continued.

"Therefore, our catalogues and website will immediately withdraw all compact discs, cassette tapes, DVDs and VHS tapes that feature Miss Church. Please join us in praying for this troubled young woman," they added.

Church, 20, was raised a Catholic and sang for Pope John Paul II at the Vatican at the age of 12-years-old. But she made clear her dislike for Bavarian-born Pope Benedict, 79, shortly after it was reported that he considered the Harry Potter books as "subtle seductions" capable of corrupting young Christians. Church has read the entire J.K. Rowling collection.

The pilot for The All New Charlotte Church Show was filmed before a live studio audience last week. The show [is] to be broadcast this autumn by Channel 4.

Ignatius Press is the world’s primary English-language publisher of the writings of Pope Benedict XVI. But after his election as Pontiff in April last year, Benedict transferred the copyright for his works to the Vatican's own publishing house, Libreria Editrice Vaticana.

Pope Benedict, the son of a German policeman who was opposed to Naziism, was forced into the Hitler Youth as a child and during the Second World War he served briefly on an anti-aircraft battery.

Blessed Are the Boring, the Losers, the Wasters of Space

Sometimes I Wish I'd Never Been Born Again

by Clarissa Eamon in The Onion

Brothers and sisters, I'd like to share something with you today. Won't you let the Good News of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ into your life? Awww, who am I kidding? Even if you did, I'd just get in the way and mess things up.

Here is the Word: I have a stupid and pitiful life in Christ. Believe me, no one would care and nothing would be affected if I'd never been born again—not even the Lamb Of God Himself.

Ever since the day I was baptized, I've been bringing this whole flock down. Maybe I should've let them hold my head in the baptismal pool a little bit longer. It's not like they would have objected. Truth be told to you, it's all too obvious that they're only pretending to love me because the Lord told them to.

I know Jesus said He loves everyone, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if He really meant "everyone but Clarissa Eamon." You can't hide your complete and total lameness from Christ. In fact, Our Lord would be the first to know, wouldn't He?

I can accept that I'm a sinner. I can accept that He is the Light, the Truth, and the Way. What I can't accept is that I'm such an utter failure in His eyes.

Sure, I have brought a lot of new souls to Christ since I've been reborn, but none of them were any good. When I think of all that Christ has done for me, a wave of misery washes over me. After all, He gave his life so that we all may attain eternal salvation. What have I done? I haven't witnessed for shit.

Jesus must totally hate me.

I know that His yoke is easy and His burden light, but I can't help feeling that I'm a big part of that burden. After all, the New Testament was written a couple thousand years before any of the Apostles came across the likes of me. In my Bible reading, I don't recall Him ever saying, "Blessed are the boring, the losers, the wasters of space." I know my Scripture, and I know that Jesus never said anything about the dumbasses inheriting the earth. Yeah, there's only one set of footprints in the sand, and they belong to Jesus—bolting away from me at top speed.

There's not a doubt in my mind when I tell you that the biggest mistake Jesus ever made was coming into my heart. No matter what I do, or what I've done, I just won't cut it in the new kingdom of Heaven. Our Father has plenty of righteous souls to choose from. He certainly doesn't need me up there. I'd only bring the whole place down. Yes, He saved me, but I say it's high time he kicked me to the curb.

One thing I know I can absolutely do right is the chastity-before-marriage pledge, because nobody wants to date me. I doubt even the Holy Spirit wants to be around me anymore.

I should probably just end my miserable new eternal life once and for all. What would it matter? I bet Jesus is actually dreading Judgment Day because it will mean having to see me.

Then again, maybe the Lord doesn't even know who I am. It wouldn't surprise me. I took Him into my heart over four years ago, and I pray to Him all the time, but I know He'd be hard-pressed to recognize me when—if I'm ever so lucky—we ever come face-to-face. And if He did, I bet He'd pretend He didn't. After all, who would want to be seen walking through the valley of the shadow of death with a schmuck like me?

Each night, after I say my prayers, I just want to crawl under a big homemade quilt embroidered with passages from 1 Corinthians, and die.

Side Effects May Include: Nausea, Headaches, Exposing Yourself to Mothers & Children, Sin...

Priest Charged with Indecent Exposure

from The Associated Press

KEARNEY, Neb. — A Roman Catholic priest from Elm Creek is in Maryland, his bishop says, being treated for depression after being charged with public indecency.

The Rev. Mark Maresh, 41, is accused of exposing himself to a woman in Kearney on June 25.

According to a statement Bishop William Dendinger of Grand Islandread to parishioners, "Father Mark has been dealing with depression for six or more years. He has been working with counselors and using medication to cope with depression. Recently, he switched medication, which had an adverse effect."

Public indecency is a misdemeanor punishable by up to six months in jail and a fine.

The Kearney woman said the incident occurred while she was walking her 2-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son. A man in a parked car opened the passenger door as he said something to her. She asked what he wanted, and then he exposed himself.

She reported the car's license number to police.

'This Blood of Christ Tastes Funny!''But Look at Your Glass! No Streaking!''I'm Gonna Puke. Praise Jesus!'

Somebody Spiked the Jesus Juice!

from Sploid

Parishoners in a Connecticut church fell ill after consuming tainted grape juice at communion. Over 40 people were affected, reporting everything from a burning sensation in their throats to outright vomiting.

The culprit: a disgruntled CVS clerk who put dishwashing detergent in the bottle of juice, which was later sold to a deacon at the Calvary Baptist Church of Darien.

"It wasn't done with the intent of hurting the public," said Lt. Ron Bussell, a detective with the Darien police department.

The clerk, 28-year-old Wendell Woodroffe, was apparently unhappy with his employer because he hadn't been promoted after several years of working at the store. And what better way to stick it to The Man than by poisoning a bunch of old ladies in their Sunday best?

Woodroffe's mother, Millicent Hylton, wept as she described her great distress over the incident.

"I'm dying inside," she said. "I feel like somebody put a spear in me."

She described her son as someone who "keeps a lot in" and "doesn't have many friends." WHDH-TV observed that he is apparently such a loser he shops with his mother and recently went to a casino "but didn't win."

Woodroffe has been fired, and faces 22 counts of assault and 22 counts of assault on a victim 60 or older.

'I'm Unwell!'

Angry God Strikes Another 'Christian'

from Sploid

The Good Lord's contempt for Christians is well documented, His most recent attack coming this past week. Outraged by a cross worn on the neck of a 16-year-old Russian girl, He scored a direct hit.

Marina Motygina and her friend Anya this weekend were at a swimming hole in the Ural Mountains when a storm started brewing.

"Anya was bathing, and I was sitting under a tree," Motygina says.

As the rains began to fall, Motygina ran to collect their clothing. With the girl out from under her cover, God saw his chance.

"When it started to rain and thunder struck, I ran to get our things from the meadow. Probably then the lightning struck. I remember falling down and saying, 'I'm unwell.' Then everything went dark."

Lightning had come down from above, striking the young girl on the temple. As the super-charged bolt raced through her body, it vaporized the crucifix Motygina wore. Her chest now bears a cross-shaped scar forever burned into her flesh as a reminder of her impertinence.

Anya just barely dodged the attack.

"I was running to the tree for shelter, when thunder struck very near, so loudly that I covered my ears, then I saw a flash of light right in front of me..." Anya recalled. "Then I came to myself lying in the grass. I crawled on my elbows to the bag with my mobile phone and called my parents."

Miraculously, Motygina is back on her feet, though she's still in the hospital receiving treatment for her burns, says her doctor.

"Marina is fine, even her heart is working perfectly well, though usually when a person is struck by lightning, the heart stops immediately. It's a really unique case. There are only a few people who survived a lightning strike, and most of them develop telepathic or psychic abilities."

Sadly for Motygina, no such powers have presented themselves.

Again and again, God has been lashing out at those who pray, carry crosses, and otherwise pretend to understand Him.

He may be losing his patience.

Jails for Jesus

Thanking Jesus in Court Lands Man in Jail

from The Associated Press

Thanking Jesus in court lands man in jail Fri Jul 14, 7:36 PM ET

HONOLULU - Junior Stowers raised his hands and exclaimed, "Thank you, Jesus!" in court last month when he was acquitted by a jury of abusing his son.

But his joy was short-lived when Circuit Judge Patrick Border held him in contempt of court for the "outburst" and threw him in jail.

Stowers, 47, sat in the courtroom and a cellblock for about six hours until the judge granted him a hearing on the contempt charge and released him.

The judge at a July 7 hearing dropped the contempt charge, a petty misdemeanor that carries up to 30 days in jail.

Stowers couldn't be reached for comment. But his attorney in the contempt case, Deputy Public Defender Susan Arnett, said he wasn't treated fairly.

"I don't think there's anything about saying 'Thank you, Jesus' that rises to the level of contemptuous behavior in this case," she told The Honolulu Advertiser.

Stowers is a devoutly religious man active in his church who spontaneously expressed his thanks to the higher power in which he believed, she said.

Family members and Stowers' pastor at Assembly of God Church, Iakopo Sale, who watched from the gallery were "very upset that those words could land somebody in jail," Arnett said.

Border declined to comment but indicated the court minutes reflected his actions. The minutes showed he found Stowers' "nonverbal gestures and outbursts to be disruptive and improper regardless of content."

Court minutes said Border later dropped the charge because he realized Stowers' trial lawyer, Deputy Public Defender Carmel Kwock, did not have time to tell Stowers the judge had ordered both sides not to show emotion when the verdict was announced.

Stowers, of Honolulu, was charged with hitting his 15-year-old son with a broomstick in January. The misdemeanor charge of abusing a household member carries a sentence of up to a year in jail. Stowers was free on a $1,000 bond.

During the trial last month, the boy recanted his earlier statements that his father hit him, according to court records.

The boy instead testified his brother had hit him with a car door, a story verified by the brother in court.

Just before the verdict was announced on June 29, Border called city Deputy Prosecutor Sean Sanada and Kwock to the bench and told them he didn't want a show of emotion by either side, according to a defense request to dismiss the contempt charge.

When Stowers made his remarks after the verdict was announced, the judge told him, "There will (be) no more of that," the papers said.

Stowers asked to approach the bench and apologize, but the judge told him he could not and ordered him to remain in the courtroom, the defense request said.

Poop-Caked Bird Expels Muslim Myth As Stillborn MealAnd Can I Get Him Scrambled? Thanks

This is your deity. This is your deity on drugs, This is your deity on drugs with a side of saus-hey, wait a minute! This is obviously a hoax. Muslim eggs would never smile. Unless the shrieks of the burning infidel newborns was involved, of course. What's next - rabbis with mohawks and popes in pantyhose? Wait, bad example. Popes in pigtails? Nonono. Obviously, with that dazed look, those are dopey Hari Krishna eggs or something.

Chicken Lays Mystery Allah Egg

from Reuters

ALMATY - A chicken in a Kazakh village has laid an egg with the word "Allah" inscribed on its shell, state media reported Thursday.

"Our mosque confirmed that it says 'Allah' in Arabic," Bites Amantayeva, a farmer from the village of Stepnoi in eastern Kazakhstan, told state news agency Kazinform.

"We'll keep this egg and we don't think it'll go bad."

The news agency said the egg was laid just after a powerful hail storm hit the village.

Kazakhstan is a large, thinly populated Central Asian state where Sunni Islam is a dominant religion.


Much better. Now those are Muslim eggs - outraged, bitter, and always murderous about something silly thing. And does the Jihad Slam come with hashbrowns? Great, and a small coffee. Thanks.

The Second Coming of Cruise

Airwaves Again Safe for South Park Scientology Spoof

from E! Online

Comedy Central is finally respecting Cartman's authoritay.

One week after South Park's controversial "Trapped in the Closet" episode garnered an Emmy nomination, and nearly four months after it was abruptly pulled from rotation on the cable net, Comedy Central has finally acquiesced and will allow the Scientology-skewering episode back on the air.

And clearly not a moment too soon.

"If they hadn't put this episode back on the air, we'd have had serious issues, and we wouldn't be doing anything else with them," cocreator Matt Stone tells Variety.

The episode reportedly ruffled some high-powered feathers upon its first airing. In addition to an accurate, if cartoon-depicted, primer on Scientology, the show featured a literally closeted Tom Cruise who refuses to come out, only to be joined in his hiding by fellow Scientologist John Travolta and R&B man R. Kelly, whose operatic ballad provided the show's title.

While Comedy Central failed to publicly disclose its reasons for yanking the program (which is also credited for leading Scientologist Isaac Hayes to jump ship as the longtime voice of Chef), creators Stone and Trey Parker didn't shy away from broadcasting what they claimed was the network-sanctioned reason.

As the conspiracy theory goes, the Cruise's camp had a hand in deep-sixing the episode, with the litigious actor reportedly threatening to pull out of promotional duties for Mission: Impossible III.

Cruise's reps vehemently denied such allegations, but the South Park brain trust stuck by its guns.

"I only know what we were told, that people involved with M:I:III wanted the episode off the air and that is why Comedy Central had to do it," Stone says in Variety. "I don't know why else it would have been pulled."

Now, Cruise's saturation-level publicity tour is over (and proved fairly ineffective, with the sequel grossing a disappointing $133 million domestically) and he is apparently in hiding with his new baby.

As it is, Comedy Central's decision to reintroduce the episode to its rerun schedule seems as arbitrary an action as yanking it in the first place. But the move is putting the network back into the good graces of Stone and Parker, who have said that their relationship with the network has been tenuous since the spring.

"It's true we are not as big as Tom Cruise, but we've done two movies for Viacom and 10 years of South Park episodes, and this has been our home," Stone tells Variety.

Stone explains that the episode's removal was nearly the final straw for the duo, who had been censored by the network on three separate occasions.

"We've been through a trifecta of annoyances," Stone says. "The 'Bloody Mary' episode angered Catholics. And we had a big fight when we wanted to show Muhammad."

Last year, the network declined to rerun the "Bloody Mary" episode after the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights attacked Parker and Stone and protested the program that featured a menstruating statue of the Virgin Mary.

In April, Comedy Central intervened on another episode before another religious group could take umbrage.

"Cartoon Wars," an episode dealing with the worldwide violence ensuing from a Danish newspaper's publication of cartoons depicting the Islamic prophet, was broadcast with a title card reading "Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Mohammed on their network."

At the time, the network defended the decision to censor the show to ward off the possibility of violent reactions.

"The mantra has always been everything is fair game," Stone tells Variety. "I love [network president] Doug Herzog, but I think he's dead wrong and made a totally cowardly decision."

South Park's "Trapped in the Closet" returns to Comedy Central's airwaves July 19.