7.21.2006

Blessed Are the Boring, the Losers, the Wasters of Space

Sometimes I Wish I'd Never Been Born Again

by Clarissa Eamon in The Onion

Brothers and sisters, I'd like to share something with you today. Won't you let the Good News of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ into your life? Awww, who am I kidding? Even if you did, I'd just get in the way and mess things up.

Here is the Word: I have a stupid and pitiful life in Christ. Believe me, no one would care and nothing would be affected if I'd never been born again—not even the Lamb Of God Himself.

Ever since the day I was baptized, I've been bringing this whole flock down. Maybe I should've let them hold my head in the baptismal pool a little bit longer. It's not like they would have objected. Truth be told to you, it's all too obvious that they're only pretending to love me because the Lord told them to.

I know Jesus said He loves everyone, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if He really meant "everyone but Clarissa Eamon." You can't hide your complete and total lameness from Christ. In fact, Our Lord would be the first to know, wouldn't He?

I can accept that I'm a sinner. I can accept that He is the Light, the Truth, and the Way. What I can't accept is that I'm such an utter failure in His eyes.

Sure, I have brought a lot of new souls to Christ since I've been reborn, but none of them were any good. When I think of all that Christ has done for me, a wave of misery washes over me. After all, He gave his life so that we all may attain eternal salvation. What have I done? I haven't witnessed for shit.

Jesus must totally hate me.

I know that His yoke is easy and His burden light, but I can't help feeling that I'm a big part of that burden. After all, the New Testament was written a couple thousand years before any of the Apostles came across the likes of me. In my Bible reading, I don't recall Him ever saying, "Blessed are the boring, the losers, the wasters of space." I know my Scripture, and I know that Jesus never said anything about the dumbasses inheriting the earth. Yeah, there's only one set of footprints in the sand, and they belong to Jesus—bolting away from me at top speed.

There's not a doubt in my mind when I tell you that the biggest mistake Jesus ever made was coming into my heart. No matter what I do, or what I've done, I just won't cut it in the new kingdom of Heaven. Our Father has plenty of righteous souls to choose from. He certainly doesn't need me up there. I'd only bring the whole place down. Yes, He saved me, but I say it's high time he kicked me to the curb.

One thing I know I can absolutely do right is the chastity-before-marriage pledge, because nobody wants to date me. I doubt even the Holy Spirit wants to be around me anymore.

I should probably just end my miserable new eternal life once and for all. What would it matter? I bet Jesus is actually dreading Judgment Day because it will mean having to see me.

Then again, maybe the Lord doesn't even know who I am. It wouldn't surprise me. I took Him into my heart over four years ago, and I pray to Him all the time, but I know He'd be hard-pressed to recognize me when—if I'm ever so lucky—we ever come face-to-face. And if He did, I bet He'd pretend He didn't. After all, who would want to be seen walking through the valley of the shadow of death with a schmuck like me?

Each night, after I say my prayers, I just want to crawl under a big homemade quilt embroidered with passages from 1 Corinthians, and die.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Panda Rosa said...

For what it's worth, Jesus did in fact die for losers like this. I have no trouble with it, but no doubt others will.

July 22, 2006 1:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you read the Bible? Have you truly accepted Jesus Christ, who came as God in the flesh to die as the perfect sacrifice for everyone's sins, as your savior? I know the times are very stressful and getting harder, but now is the time to be a strong witness for the Lord. Don't be so inward and selfish and keep his commandments, and you will have true joy. Then the Lord will open his blessings to you. There is no excuse to live such a defeated life in Christ.

July 22, 2006 6:46 PM  
Blogger Darren said...

Ignorance must be bliss.

July 23, 2006 4:23 PM  
Anonymous G5:22 said...

Clarissa i feel your pain but its a bit to late to get unborn now. people like you and me need to keep strong , continue to pray and fight. its easy for people to comment about your situation but i think God is the only one who can help ... If possible please update me on how things turn out for you

August 04, 2008 4:24 PM  
Anonymous Marli said...

Clarissa, could it be that you were never really "born again"? There are a lot of counterfeit 'born againers'. I myself was told several times that I just needed to say a prayer accepting Jesus in my heart as my savior etc. But that is BS. Someone explained to me that I do not have control over this, God is the one in control! And one could actually invite a false christ or a demon into one's heart by saying such a prayer. So check it out!!

When, as erring, sinful beings, we come to Christ and become partakers of His pardoning grace, love springs up in the heart. Every burden is light, for the yoke that Christ imposes is easy. Duty becomes a delight, and sacrifice a pleasure. The path that before seemed shrouded in darkness, becomes bright with beams from the Sun of Righteousness. (Steps to Christ, page 59, by Ellen White)

July 02, 2011 12:58 PM  

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