Blessed Are the Boring, the Losers, the Wasters of Space

Sometimes I Wish I'd Never Been Born Again

by Clarissa Eamon in The Onion

Brothers and sisters, I'd like to share something with you today. Won't you let the Good News of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ into your life? Awww, who am I kidding? Even if you did, I'd just get in the way and mess things up.

Here is the Word: I have a stupid and pitiful life in Christ. Believe me, no one would care and nothing would be affected if I'd never been born again—not even the Lamb Of God Himself.

Ever since the day I was baptized, I've been bringing this whole flock down. Maybe I should've let them hold my head in the baptismal pool a little bit longer. It's not like they would have objected. Truth be told to you, it's all too obvious that they're only pretending to love me because the Lord told them to.

I know Jesus said He loves everyone, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if He really meant "everyone but Clarissa Eamon." You can't hide your complete and total lameness from Christ. In fact, Our Lord would be the first to know, wouldn't He?

I can accept that I'm a sinner. I can accept that He is the Light, the Truth, and the Way. What I can't accept is that I'm such an utter failure in His eyes.

Sure, I have brought a lot of new souls to Christ since I've been reborn, but none of them were any good. When I think of all that Christ has done for me, a wave of misery washes over me. After all, He gave his life so that we all may attain eternal salvation. What have I done? I haven't witnessed for shit.

Jesus must totally hate me.

I know that His yoke is easy and His burden light, but I can't help feeling that I'm a big part of that burden. After all, the New Testament was written a couple thousand years before any of the Apostles came across the likes of me. In my Bible reading, I don't recall Him ever saying, "Blessed are the boring, the losers, the wasters of space." I know my Scripture, and I know that Jesus never said anything about the dumbasses inheriting the earth. Yeah, there's only one set of footprints in the sand, and they belong to Jesus—bolting away from me at top speed.

There's not a doubt in my mind when I tell you that the biggest mistake Jesus ever made was coming into my heart. No matter what I do, or what I've done, I just won't cut it in the new kingdom of Heaven. Our Father has plenty of righteous souls to choose from. He certainly doesn't need me up there. I'd only bring the whole place down. Yes, He saved me, but I say it's high time he kicked me to the curb.

One thing I know I can absolutely do right is the chastity-before-marriage pledge, because nobody wants to date me. I doubt even the Holy Spirit wants to be around me anymore.

I should probably just end my miserable new eternal life once and for all. What would it matter? I bet Jesus is actually dreading Judgment Day because it will mean having to see me.

Then again, maybe the Lord doesn't even know who I am. It wouldn't surprise me. I took Him into my heart over four years ago, and I pray to Him all the time, but I know He'd be hard-pressed to recognize me when—if I'm ever so lucky—we ever come face-to-face. And if He did, I bet He'd pretend He didn't. After all, who would want to be seen walking through the valley of the shadow of death with a schmuck like me?

Each night, after I say my prayers, I just want to crawl under a big homemade quilt embroidered with passages from 1 Corinthians, and die.