6.26.2006

Who Do You Blame When Nothing's Your Fault?

Pol Blames Satan for Crap Luck

from Sploid

John Jacob, a Congressional candidate from Utah, said Thursday that Satan was trying to keep him out of office.

It seems the
old deluder has kept Jacob from investing as much money as he'd like into his campaign, and has caused a series of recent business-related mishaps.

"You know, you plan, you organize, you put your budget together and when you have 10 things fall through, not just one, there's some other, something else that is happening," he told the Salt Lake Tribune.

"There's another force that wants to keep us from going to Washington, D.C. It's the devil is what it is. I don't want you to print that, but it feels like that's what it is," he said, apparently unaware that pleas for secrecy are like catnip to journalists.

He first brought up the Satan-as-campaign-foe theme on Wednesday, at an immigration rally, and then reiterated it in a meeting with the Salt Lake Tribune editorial staff on Thursday.

"I don't know who else it would be if it wasn't him," he said. "Now when that gets out in the paper, I'm going to be one of the screw-loose people."

This is
exactly what came to pass, because Satan deemed it so.

By Friday, Jacob was backtracking - sort of.

"What I was trying to say, and obviously didn't do it very well, is that over the last eight months
I've had more adversity in my life than I've had in the last 10 years," he said.

This adversity includes business deals gone sour, allegations that he
aided illegal immigrants, and revelations that the devout Mormon used to gamble. But what others might call a run of bad luck, or even an accountability moment, was, for this charming wingnut, Lucifer.

Jacob is a political neophyte attempting to unseat fellow Republican Chris Cannon, a five-term Congressman. And, in a state crawling with religious types, all the talk about Satan might actually help.

"The people he would alienate probably wouldn't vote for him anyway,"
said David Gutterman, a political science professor at Linfield College in Oregon. "The people he's going to attract are shoring up a base that probably shares his religious views."

And indeed, a poll released today suggests Jacob might very well triumph in the 3rd Congressional District race.

"Jacob has a pretty good shot at pulling this off,"
said Brad Coker, managing director for Mason-Dixon Polling & Research. "It's never easy to beat an incumbent, but he is in a very good position."

4 Comments:

Blogger JaundiceJames said...

Satan isn't so bad once you get to know him. In fact, I kinda like his style. -JJ

June 26, 2006 5:15 PM  
Blogger ProvoDon said...

Vote for John Jacob.
I voted for John Jacob at the State Republican Convention in May as did all the other state delegates in my precinct and as did the majority of delegates that day. There is a reason. We spent several months studying the incumbents voting record and listening to the candidates positions on the issues. It is time for a change and to have our representative in Congress truly listen to us and represent our views. "Temporary Guest Worker Programs" are the height of arrogance from our elected officials - they are not guests and they are not here temporarily. It is time for a change. VOTE FOR JOHN JACOB.

June 27, 2006 9:56 AM  
Anonymous Satan said...

I had absolutely nothing to do with John's misfortune. For the record, I kind of like the man. Few people can push the hate like that guy.

The truth of the matter is that God is doing this. John Jacob obviouly did something that pissed Him off mightily. Lord only knows what John did and if that makes God a vindictive asshole, hey, He is what He is.

June 30, 2006 9:05 PM  
Anonymous God said...

Go fuck yourself, Lucy!

June 30, 2006 9:13 PM  

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