7.19.2006

'This Blood of Christ Tastes Funny!'
'But Look at Your Glass! No Streaking!'
'I'm Gonna Puke. Praise Jesus!'

Somebody Spiked the Jesus Juice!

from Sploid

Parishoners in a Connecticut church fell ill after consuming tainted grape juice at communion. Over 40 people were affected, reporting everything from a burning sensation in their throats to outright vomiting.

The culprit: a disgruntled CVS clerk who put dishwashing detergent in the bottle of juice, which was later sold to a deacon at the Calvary Baptist Church of Darien.

"It wasn't done with the intent of hurting the public," said Lt. Ron Bussell, a detective with the Darien police department.

The clerk, 28-year-old Wendell Woodroffe, was apparently unhappy with his employer because he hadn't been promoted after several years of working at the store. And what better way to stick it to The Man than by poisoning a bunch of old ladies in their Sunday best?

Woodroffe's mother, Millicent Hylton, wept as she described her great distress over the incident.

"I'm dying inside," she said. "I feel like somebody put a spear in me."

She described her son as someone who "keeps a lot in" and "doesn't have many friends." WHDH-TV observed that he is apparently such a loser he shops with his mother and recently went to a casino "but didn't win."

Woodroffe has been fired, and faces 22 counts of assault and 22 counts of assault on a victim 60 or older.

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