Why Do Objects Fall? God, That's Why - 'Intelligent Falling' Christians Attack 'Theory of Gravity' in Kansas Schools

As proof of Intelligent Falling, evangelicals point out that the apple "fell" on Isaac Newton's head (an event with no witnesses, they note) - yet stayed aloft for Eve to pluck. Why did the apple not "fall" on Eve? "God, that's why. See?"

Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity with New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

from The Onion

KANSAS CITY, KS — As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Burdett added: "Gravity — which is taught to our children as a law — is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word for Teens, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.

"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall — just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."

Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"

Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.

"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."

They also point out that Christ's ascension (which was witnessed, they add) didn't end with him falling to the Earth in a pile of broken bones, mangled flesh, and exploding internal organs. Why? "God, that's why. See? Gravity's just stupid."


Blogger Benji-san said...

Living in Kansas, I have to endure this shit daily. It is a depressing reality to read what outsiders think of our bass-ackwards state.

Living in the only liberal stronghold left in Kansas is my only solace.

I dig the blog - have linked to it on my own, if you don't mind.

August 16, 2005 9:28 PM  
Blogger Darren said...

Oooh, Kansas. Sorry about that. That's quite a state you have there.

Thanks for linking to me...of course I don't mind. I'd link you here but I only link to atheist's blog (well, as the Pope blog) - I'm not sure if that applies to you. If you are gay or geeky, I have two other blogs I could link you on, but "Allman Brothers Band" implies you are neither.

While parts of it may be uncomfortably gay, you might check out my Dajoro blog (link on sidebar). I post an odd story every day - some gay-flavored but many not. Today's story stars the "Oops I Crapped My Pants!" SNL commercial. Yesterday's story was about a woman who urinated on herself for a laptop computer. Don't think she was from Kansas but the story didn't say... ;o)

August 17, 2005 7:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm also sorry you have to put up with that shit. I can't believe people would be so naive to blindly replace science with faith. This sounds familiar... Oh, yes, this is what the dark ages was all about. Let's hope these fools kill themselves off before they gain more influence.

February 21, 2007 5:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is this not the most depressing article of the day? It always amazes me how people can't be moved with rational thought. Does it make any sense? No? Well, its about god so you better believe it, you heathen. I wasn't surprised when I saw it was from Kansas though, truly a backwards ass state.

September 04, 2008 8:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apple falling on the ground, www.apple-ready.blogspot.com

January 21, 2010 3:43 PM  

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