Look! It's Santa Cl-Oh, Sorry...Jesus...As Dead Asparagus...Sticking His Tongue Out(What a Jerk)

Jesus of Asparagus

from Sploid

An English gardner tending to his asparagus has dug up the head of his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It appears that He's sticking his tongue out.

Martin Gregory,52, was enjoying a Sunday afternoon in his garden. Deciding that his ten-year-old asparagus plant was dead, he pulled it from its pot.

"I dug out the plant and put it on the side but, when I looked at it again, I could see a face staring straight back at me," Gregory said.

"I could make out the eyes and nose and even a thorn crown that had been formed out of the plant's roots."

"My neighbour said it looked just like Jesus."

From the beard to the crown of thorns to the playfully wagging tongue, there's no getting around it. It is surely the face of Jesus.

"I've heard about Mother Theresa's face being seen in a bagel but I thought this was much better."

But the part-time mosaic tutor is trying to keep a level head about the whole affair.

"It has not made me religious. But it could be something supernatural linked to the abbey ruins [across the way]. We don't know what's in the ground."

While Gregory may not been running off to church, he's smart enough not to throw Jesus' head away.

Father David Sherratt, of St Michael and All Angels Church thinks Gregory needs to embrace this blessing.

"I have often heard of people seeing things. God may want Mr Gregory to interpret what he saw in the plant as a sign."

I Liked This Story Better the Last Time I Heard It...in 1985

Madonna Gets Church Hot (Under Collar)

from Sploid

Like a paid marketing company, the Church of England has jumped straight out and screamed to the media that Madonna's new concert tour is offensive, while other Christian groups said it could even be "dangerous."

On the opening night of her "Confessions on the Dance Floor" tour, Madonna performed the ballad "Live To Tell" while suspended from a giant mirrored cross and wearing a crown of thorns. Talk about waving a red rag in front of a bull. "Why would someone with so much talent seem to feel the need to promote herself by offending so many people?" the church said in a statement.

If that wasn't enough to get conservative Christians foaming at the mouth, she then compared Bush to Hitler and made a crude reference to Dubya and oral sex.

David Muir of the Evangelical Alliance accused the singer of "blatant insensitivity," and suggested that she should drop the giant cross from the tour before the Big Guy Upstairs got angry. "Madonna's use of Christian imagery is an abuse and it is dangerous," he said.

Madonna's an old hand at inciting such good publicity though. In 1990, she even had the Pope calling for a boycott of her "Blond Ambition" tour. The Material Girl managed that one by simulating masturbation during the song Like A Virgin. Previous to that she had the Vatican fuming when she burnt crosses and had a black Jesus in her Like a Prayer music video.

Smells Fishy

Tuna Brings Kenyans Blessings from Allah

from Sploid

Once again Allah has sent his followers a sign in the form of Arabic writing on the side of a fish. Last time it was two Oscars in a U.K. pet shop. This weekend a five-pound tuna in Kenya bears the message.

When Said Ali sold his day's catch to fishmonger Omar Mohammed Awadh, he had no idea the blessing he let slip through his fingers.

As Awadh was arranging the fish for sale at his Takaungu Fish Shop in Mombasa, his keen believer's eye spotted what was clearly a message from Allah, "Wallahu khayru razikiyna" - "God is the greatest of all providers" - on the side of a tuna soon to be known as the "wonder fish."

Arabic scholars were called to the shop. They quickly determined that the Koranic verse was in fact written in the scales along the fish's side.

"This has been confirmed as a verse from the Holy Koran," said Sheikh Mombasa Dor, the secretary-general of the Council of Imams and Preachers of Kenya. "We believe that God brings these kinds of messages in many forms from time to time and that we should not only read the Holy Book, but practice what it says."

What's truly amazing is the quality of the penmanship, said Mombasa district commissioner Mohamed Maalim.

"It is so clearly spelt," he said. "That is why we believe that Allah is sending a message to mankind."

Yet, despite the clarity of the writing, there was some confusion over the message. A story in Saturday's "Nation," a local paper, reported that the message was "Walahu hairu raziqin" - "The Almighty God is greater than those who give arms".

Awadh's shop had been overrun with believers eager to witness the is miracle, some hoping to buy the "wonder fish." Now the state has decided he can't be trusted with such an important fish.

The Kenyan fisheries department has taken the fish into protective custody. It will be kept at cold house in Liwatoni.

Hassan Mohamed Hassan of the National Museum will be documenting the fish for use in religious education.

"There is no doubt that the almighty God is communicating with his people," said Hassan.

A Miracle! A Miracle!Potato Shaped Like Heart!Proof That...Um...Wait...Ooh, I Know:O Almighty Spud Loves You!

In this March 2006 photo taken in Moon Township, Pa., provided by the Idaho Potato Commission, and taken by the family of Linda Greene, Linda Greene is shown holding a heart-shaped potato. The president of the Idaho Potato Commission says there's no way a heart-shaped potato should have made it through the state's inspection system without being pulled aside and turned into french fries. And yet, it did _ during Potato Lover's Month. Greene discovered the potato in February 2006 but only recently alerted the Idaho Potato Commission to the Valentine-shaped tuber. She is storing the potato in a cupboard in her basement. (AP Photo/The Greene Family via the Idaho Potato Commission)

Jesus, I'm Horny!

Soldiers Pray To Abstain & To Save Their Marriages

from ABCNews

BAGHDAD, Iraq — In one Baghdad Bible study group, troops pray not for courage in their struggle with insurgents but for courage in their struggle with themselves.

"Every impure thought I have drives a stake between my relationship with Christ and my relationship with my wife," said U.S. Air Force Capt. Vic Norris.

He's been married for three years and was leading the session using a kit called Every Soldier's Battle distributed to the troops in Iraq by the California-based New Life Ministries.

The kit contains a stack of books, including a Bible, and is compiled in a camouflage box. The books lay out strict rules: no infidelity, flirting, pornography or masturbation.

Soldiers are not even allowed to leer at other women. As Air Force Capt. Chris Bryant explains it, Jesus sets the bar high.

"He says if you've committed an impure thought, you've committed adultery right there," said Bryant, who is in his 14th year of marriage.

Evangelical minster Steve Arterburn of New Life Ministries put together the Every Soldier's Battle kits to help these soldiers, and he sent 20,000 of them to Afghanistan and Iraq.

"When we are open and honest, and open up about that temptation, it really takes the power out of it," Arterburn says.

These men learn to employ Arterburn's coping mechanisms, such as averting the eyes in the presence of an attractive colleague.

"And then using Bible verses and Christian music to bounce around in my head to keep those thoughts from taking control," says Norris.

Satan: The King of All Media

Satan Is My Co-Pilot

from Sploid

A weird new survey shows that one in five Americans actually believes The Devil is responsible for books and movies that poke holes in Christianity.

The USA Today/Gallup poll "found that 19% see Satan trying to destroy people's religious faith when sales soar for books, movies and studies that raise doubts about Jesus or the Bible."

Not surprisingly, those who go to church every week were far more likely to believe The Devil did it.

For Christians in all their various denominations, it has been a terribly tough couple of years.

The new discrediting of the religion culminated in this spring's "War on Easter."

That outrage saw the quadruple whammy of a rediscovered Gospel of Judas hitting the mainstream, the paperback release of the mega-selling The Da Vinci Code, the remarkable success of a low-budget documentary that convincingly proves Jesus the Nazarene is a mythological character, and the intense publicity around the May 29 opening of the movie version of Dan Brown's Catholic-conspiracy thriller.

And a sputtering, furious and ultimately clumsy response by Vatican cardinals, the weirdo Catholic cult Opus Dei and Christianity in general has only fueled pre-release hype for the movie. Like a mirror image of the pre-release controversy around Mel Gibson's torture-porn Jesus epic The Passion, the forces worried about The Da Vinci Code are only making the movie irresistible.

(Another sign of Christianity's fall from grace is that Catholic fanatic Mel Gibson has turned his anger from Jesus-killin' Jews to Jesus-lovin' killer George W. Bush.)

Even more troubling for Christianity, Americans overwhelmingly say religion should be doubted - 72% agreed it's "human nature to be skeptical about religion."

Once again, the "faith" of Americans has been proven to be shallow and mindless. Only a tiny fraction of so-called Christians have read the Bible or even the short-yet-tedious New Testament as adults. These are the 75% of Americans who believe "God helps those who help themselves" is in the Bible (it's a Benjamin Franklin quote), the 60% who manage to remember more than four of the all-important Ten Commandments, and the 50% who can't even come up with the name of one of the alleged authors of the Gospels.

As a result, their theology is based on little more than pop culture and childhood fables: Christmas carols, Sunday School nonsense, Hollywood movies and the like.

It's no wonder church leaders are so scared and the intensely religious are seeing The Devil everywhere. But at least The Da Vinci Code claims the biblical figure of Jesus the Nazarene (or Jesus of Nazara) actually existed. Christianity can thank Dan Brown for keeping that mythology alive for a little longer, at least.

Guilty As Sin: Nunslaying Priest Off to Prison

I should have eaten the body...

Jury Finds Ohio Priest Guilty of Killing Nun in 1980

from The Associated Press

TOLEDO, Ohio — A priest was convicted Thursday of stabbing a Roman Catholic nun to death as she prepared for Easter services at a hospital 26 years ago, a murder prosecutors say was steeped in religious ritual.

Prosecutors suggested that the Rev. Gerald Robinson had a strained relationship with the nun, a strict taskmaster, and that he reached a breaking point that day.

Sister Margaret Ann Pahl was stabbed 31 times through an altar cloth, with the punctures forming an upside down cross, and her killer then anointed her with a smudge of her blood on the forehead to humiliate her in death, prosecutors said.

Robinson, now 68, had worked closely with Sister Pahl at the Mercy Hospital chapel, where her body was discovered on April 5, 1980.

He had been early suspect, but he wasn't charged until two years ago. His attorneys argued that the nun's underwear and fingernails had traces of DNA that that wasn't from Robinson, and that there were no witnesses to place Robinson at the crime.

Robinson, who wore his priest's collar throughout the trial, had no visible reaction as the verdict was read.

Thomas Osowik immediately sentenced him to the mandatory term of 15 years to life in prison, and a courtroom deputy handcuffed the priest and lead him away.

The jury deliberated for six hours following nine days of testimony during which witnesses linked a sword-shaped letter opener found in Robinson's room with the nun's wounds and blood stains found on the altar cloth that covered her body.

In a videotaped interview with police just after he was arrested in April 2004, Robinson said he was stunned when he walked into the chapel and the hospital's other chaplain accused him of murder.

Jurors watched the tape during the trial and also saw how Robinson, left alone in a small room for a few minutes, fold his hands and began to whisper in a barely audible voice. He whispered the word "sister" and then prayed again with his head bowed, at one point saying, "Oh my Jesus."

...All Others Pay Cash

'Pledge Atheist' Set To Challenge 'In God We Trust'


from WorldNetDaily

The California atheist known for his legal challenge against the Pledge of Allegiance is in court arguing the national motto "In God We Trust" is unconstitutional.

Michael Newdow, who filed a 162-page complaint against the president and Congress, will argue his case in federal district court in Sacramento May 19.

The national public-interest Thomas More Law Center has filed a brief supporting the United States government's motion to dismiss the suit.

The Law Center argues, "This nation and its form of government were founded upon an essential idea: Individuals have God-given rights that the government may neither bestow nor deny."

Richard Thompson, the center's chief counsel, says Newdow's "attempt to eliminate the mere acknowledgement of our religious heritage by our National Motto has no basis in constitutional law."

"Even the Supreme Court, in past decisions, has understood there is an unbroken history of official invocations of Divine guidance beginning with our founding fathers and continuing to our present day leaders," Thompson said.

Discussing the case last November, Newdow told KWTV in Oklahoma City, "The key principle is that we're supposed to treat everybody equally especially in terms of religious belief."

"Clearly it's not treating atheists equal with people who believe in God when you say 'In God We Trust' or we are a 'nation under God,'" he insisted.

"People say, 'Are you an atheist activist?' And I'm not," he continued. "I couldn't care less what anyone believes. I just care that our government treats everybody equally."

Last September, in Newdow's second challenge against the Pledge of Allegiance, a federal judge in Sacramento ruled the reciting of the pledge in public schools is unconstitutional.

The pledge's reference to one nation "under God" violates school children's right to be "free from a coercive requirement to affirm God," said U.S. District Judge Lawrence Karlton.

Karlton granted legal standing to two families represented by Newdow, who lost his previous battle before the U.S. Supreme Court.

The judge, nominated to his seat by President Carter in 1979, said he was bound by the precedent of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals' in 2002, which favored Newdow.

In 2004, the U.S. Supreme Court rejected Newdow's case 8-0 because he did not have legal standing to represent his daughter, who is under sole custody of her mother.

In January 2005, however, Newdow filed a complaint in federal court in Sacramento with eight new co-plaintiffs, seeking to remove "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance on the grounds it violates the so-called "separation of church and state."

Jesus vs. The Cavity Creeps!

Some See Jesus in Dental X-Ray

from NBC10

A Phoenix dentist and his staff say that an X-ray taken this week seems to contain an image resembling Jesus. The patient came in for a routine exam on Tuesday. The image was revealed when the X-ray was developed.

The patient described himself as a devout Christian, but said he has never before seen Jesus in an X-ray.

The patient's dental exam was perfect.

...with Tenor Placido Domingo As 'Dodo' & Soprano Kathleen Battle As 'Platypus'!

High-Culture Wars Heat Up Over Controversial New Opera

from The Onion

NEW YORK — Proponents of family-themed high art fired another salvo in the high-culture wars Monday, saying the new opera Darwin: Origin, Selection, Preservation, Struggle contains provocative lyrics, secular acts, and entire anti-Christian movements.

"To think that this relativist filth could be live at Lincoln Center for young children to see," said Rev. L. Duncan Hoskins III, an Upper-East-Side Baptist minister and director of the Center for a Better Class of Family. "We cannot allow this creeping decay that began with the decadence of La Boheme and spiraled into the subversion that is An American Tragedy to further rot our high society."

Hoskins added that there were many wholesome opera alternatives for traditional men and women of culture, including the Mississippi Opera's marathon 22-hour adaptation of the Left Behind series.

Then Sloth Must Be My Middle Name...

Which of the Seven Heavenly Virtues Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

5. I try something new before deciding whether I like it or not. Agree!
52. Good will always triumph over evil. Disagree!
84. When an authority figure does something, it is for the good of the people. Neither!
94. I tend towards impulse over logic. Disagree!
95. I always leave some left over for the next person in line. Agree!

You scored as Justice.



Justice - with you is all that is fair and true in the hearts of men.

Justice		71%
Prudence		71%
Charity		57%
Fortitude		54%
Temperance		50%
Hope		25%
Faith		14%

Swingset of Satan

Demonic Playground Gets an Exorcism

from Sploid

A lone religious nut's complaints were enough to ruin the fancy new playground in Springfield, Illinois.

The local nut, Leland Rhodes, noticed a frightening symbol in the concrete: a pentagram.

The $450,000 Washington Park playground only opened in September.

The Springfield Parks Foundation raised over $400,000 from local groups and businesses to design and construct the two-acre playground for the kids, and the town rejoiced when the new park opened on September 15.

There's even a small amphitheater - and that's where Mr. Rhodes found his devil.

The amphitheater's circular stage was designed to have a spoked wheel pattern on the stage. While pouring the cement, however, mistakes were made that rendered landscape architect Kent Massie's original plan impossible.

So Massie and the crew decided to go with a simple five-pointed star, like the ones millions of people doodle everyday - like the one that creates the Pentagon.

Foundation president Cathy Schwartz was among those who witnessed the star's creation.

"There were probably 10 guys up there helping to pour the concrete. None of us made the connection (to the occult). To us it's a star, but to others, it's not," Schwartz told the Springfield Journal-Register.

Actually, just to Rhodes. He was the only one who made a formal complainet.

"There is a certain breed of individual out there who reveres such symbols, and in that context, it becomes a religious icon. In this day and age of general concern for children's welfare, especially in regard to predators, my main concern was for the crowd that it might draw," Rhodes said.

Rhodes couldn't take the chance this local treasure would become the preferred playground for devil-worshippers and demonic predators, who are apparently all over Springfield just waiting for an accidental pentagram to appear. He called park officials.

"My children love that park. We consider it a valuable asset to the community," Rhodes said. "I commend them for making the change. I know it was a great burden."

Beyond Rhodes' superstitions, the only "evidence" anyone else cared about the accidental shape was "some candles" found in the park. From a birthday cake? A memorial to local soldiers killed in Iraq? Nobody knows. So it had to be the Satanists, who apparently love candles the way Catholics love...candles.

"At that point, we decided we couldn't leave it the way it is," Schwartz said.

Amazingly, the playground's builders have agreed to amend the design to resemble a pinwheel. The godly work will be done without charge to the city.

Trust Me: Lightning Won't Strike

Official Wants Da Vinci Movie Banned

from Reuters

MANILA - The Philippine government should ban the controversial movie The Da Vinci Code, a senior official in the mainly Catholic country said Wednesday, describing the religious thriller as blasphemous.

The film, based on the best-selling fiction novel of the same title, is due to open in Manila's cinemas next week.

"I think we should do everything not to allow it to be shown," said Eduardo Ermita, executive secretary to President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, expressing his personal opinion as a "devout Catholic."

He told journalists the state's censors should take a closer look at its guidelines before giving the green light to the film whose central premise is that Jesus Christ sired a child by Mary Magdalene.

More than 80 percent of the Philippines' 85 million population are Roman Catholic. Along with Malta, the Philippines is one of only two countries in the world without a divorce law and frowns on the promotion of artificial contraception.

"In the name of many like you who love and revere the Son of God made Man, I strongly appeal to you that the showing of the film Da Vinci Code be banned throughout our land," said a Roman Catholic archbishop in a letter to the chief censor this week.

Ramon Arguelles of the archdiocese of Lipa, south of Manila, said the movie was an affront to Christianity, reminding the censors that the government had imposed a ban on another movie, The Last Temptation of Christ in the 1980s.

Ermita said Arroyo, also a devout Roman Catholic, has not made any statement on the issue. She is due to return from a four-day state visit to Saudi Arabia Thursday.

"It's something that we should not be talking about," he said, referring to the movie's storyline. "We might get struck by lightning."

What, No Radar? No Telepathy?! No Spidey-Sense?!? Any 'Religion' That Doesn't Offer Precognition at a Reasonable Price Is Simply a 'Cult'

Scientology Nearly Ready To Unveil Super Power

from St. Petersburg Times

CLEARWATER, Florida - Matt Feshbach believes he has super powers. He senses danger faster than most people. He appreciates beauty more deeply than he used to. He says he outperforms his peers in the money management industry.

He heightened his powers of perception in 1995 when he went to Los Angeles and became the first and so far only "public" Scientologist to take a highly classified Scientology program called Super Power.

Where in L.A. did he do this?

"Just in Los Angeles," is all Feshbach will say. Super Power is that secret.

Under wraps for decades, Super Power now is being prepped for its eventual rollout in Scientology's massive building in downtown Clearwater. That will be the only place worldwide where the program, much anticipated by Scientologists, will be offered.

A key aim of Super Power is to enhance one's perceptions - and not just the five senses we all know - hearing, sight, touch, taste and smell.

Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard taught that people have 57 "perceptics." They include an ability to discern relative sizes, blood circulation, balance, compass direction, temperature, gravity and an "awareness of importance, unimportance."

Church officials won't discuss specifics of Super Power. But Feshbach and another prominent Clearwater Scientologist who, like Feshbach, is a major donor to Super Power's building fund, provided some details in interviews with the St. Petersburg Times. A group of former Scientologists who worked for the church on a campus in California where the program was in development also described elements of it.

Super Power uses machines, apparatus and specially designed rooms to exercise and enhance a person's so-called perceptics. Those machines include an antigravity simulator and a gyroscope-like apparatus that spins a person around while blindfolded to improve perception of compass direction, said the former Scientologists.

A video screen that moves forward and backward while flashing images is used to hone a viewer's ability to identify subliminal messages, they said.

Hubbard promised Super Power would improve perceptions and "put the person into a new realm of ability." He believed it would unlock abilities needed to spread Scientology across the planet.

For Feshbach it's like nothing he has ever done in Scientology.

"I got it. I loved it," he gushed.

Feshbach, 52, and his two brothers became famous in investment circles during the 1980s as the kings of short selling stocks - essentially betting which stocks will tank. At one point, the California-based Feshbach Bros. managed $1-billion for clients.

Feshbach now lives in Belleair, where his wife, Kathy, runs a Scientology mission. Because he donated millions to the Super Power building fund, he was invited to undergo the program.

It's geared toward creating a "more competent spiritual being," he said. "I'm not dependant on my physical body to perceive things."

He offered this anecdote:

He had just finished his perceptics training and was at the Los Angeles airport, preparing to fly home to the Tampa Bay area. He stood at a crosswalk with perhaps 20 others, including a woman and her son, an antsy boy 6 or 7 years old.

As the light turned green, the boy bolted into the street, ahead of his mother. Feshbach perceived a pickup bearing down on the boy, driven by a young woman.

He yelled and saved the boy's life by a quarter of an inch, he said.

Coincidence? Feshbach doesn't think so. No one else saw the pickup, he says. He believes that, through the Super Power program, he elevated his perceptive abilities beyond those of the others at that crosswalk. His enhanced perceptions have played out numerous times since, he said.

Super Power takes "weeks, not months" to complete, said Feshbach. He would not discuss the specific machines and drills that former Scientologists said are used to enhance perceptions.

The perceptics portion of Super Power is one of 12 "rundowns" in the full program, Feshbach said. But it clearly is a key aspect.

Details of Super Power training have been kept secret even from church members. Like much of Scientology training, details aren't revealed until one pays to take the course.

Asked about Super Power, church spokesman Ben Shaw provided a written statement: "Super Power is a series of spiritual counseling processes designed to give a person back his own viewpoint, increase his perception, exercise his power of choice, and greatly enhance other spiritual abilities."

Shaw would not say how much the program will cost. Upper levels of Scientology training can run tens of thousands of dollars.

He declined to provide further insight into Super Power. "It's not something I'm willing to provide to you in any manner," Shaw said.

Scientologist Ron Pollack, who donated $5-million to the Super Power fund after making millions in hedge funds in the 1990s, said he got a sneak peek. The head of fundraising for the project showed him a photo of "some high-tech thing" developed by engineers in Southern California that offers different aromas on demand. It's for a drill to enhance one's sense of smell, he said.

Pollack said he has no idea how Super Power will be set up, but is excited about the parts on ethics and perceptics, which he likened to a "trip to Disney."

Former Scientologists Bruce Hines and Chuck Beatty, once staffers at the church's international base in Hemet, Calif., said that while on punishment detail, they made chairs of various sizes - ones big enough for a giant, others too small even for a child - that were set up in a room designed to hone one's sense of relative sizes.

Hines also said the Super Power program, which Hubbard wanted rolled out in 1978, met with delays during the 20-plus years that it was being piloted on church staffers.

One setback occurred when the church checked back on the staffers who had been through Super Power. It turned out, Hines said, many had left the church - hardly the expected outcome.

"The fact that it was around in 1978 and it's still not worked out 28 years later, that's pretty significant," Hines said.

Hines, who said he once performed Scientology's core practice of auditing on celebrity Scientologists Kirstie Allie, Anne Archer and Nicole Kidman (she no longer is a Scientologist), worked at the California facility until 1993 and left the church staff in 2003. He and other ex-Scientology staffers are convinced that church brass delayed completion of the big building in Clearwater because the Super Power program was not finished. The exterior was completed three years ago, then construction stopped.

"The building was getting done faster than the tech program itself," said Karen Pressley, a former church staffer at the same California campus, who left the church in 1998.

"This is a flap of magnitude in Scientology management," Pressley said.

Shaw said those ex-members are just wrong.

"These people know absolutely nothing" about the Super Power pilot, he said.

Scientology processes are technical and cannot be understood out of context, Shaw said. "If someone is interested in Scientology, they should read a book and find out for themselves what Scientology is and thus begin their own spiritual journey," Shaw said.

Super Power is ready, he said, and 300 staff members are being trained to deliver it.

Construction delays in Clearwater, Shaw said, are due to a recent explosion of church expansion worldwide. The church has spent hundreds of millions to purchase and renovate properties. Last year, it purchased nearly 1-million square feet of buildings in 18 cities around the world.

That expansion, by far the largest in church history, diverted the church's attention, he said. Plus, he said, Scientology leaders have been compelled to redesign the building's interior repeatedly to make it a crown jewel.

The Super Power program will be ready to go the moment the new building is completed, he said. Scientology officials promise that will be 2007.

Scientology's 57 Senses
Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's list of 57 perceptics. Words in parentheses are his:

Time
Sight
Taste
Color
Depth
Solidity (barriers)
Relative sizes (external)
Sound
Pitch
Tone
Volume
Rhythm
Smell
Touch (pressure, friction, heat or cold and oiliness)
Personal emotion
Endocrine states
Awareness of awareness
Personal size
Organic sensation (including hunger)
Heartbeat
Blood circulation
Cellular and bacterial position
Gravitic (self and other weights)
Motion of self
Motion (exterior)
Body position
Joint position
Internal temperature
External temperature
Balance
Muscular tension
Saline content of self (body)
Fields/magnetic
Time track motion
Physical energy (personal weariness, etc.)
Self-determinism
Moisture (self)
Sound direction
Emotional state of other organs
Personal position on the tone scale*
Affinity (self and others)
Communication (self and others)
Reality (self and others)
Emotional state of groups
Compass direction
Level of consciousness
Pain
Perception of conclusions (past and present)
Perception of computation (past and present)
Perception of imagination (past and present)
Perception of having perceived (past and present)
Awareness of not knowing
Awareness of importance, unimportance
Awareness of others
Awareness of location and placement (masses, spaces and location itself)
Kinesthesia
Perception of appetite

The More Catholics Bitch & Moan, the More I Want To See This Film

Cardinal: Da Vinci Code is Blasphemy

from The Associated Press

In the latest Vatican broadside against The Da Vinci Code, a leading cardinal says Christians should respond to the book and film with legal action because both offend Christ and the Church he founded.

Cardinal Francis Arinze, a Nigerian who was considered a candidate for pope last year, made his strong comments in a documentary called The Da Vinci Code - A Masterful Deception.

Arinze's appeal came some 10 days after another Vatican cardinal called for a boycott of the film.

Both cardinals asserted that other religions would never stand for offences against their beliefs and that Christians should get tough.

"Christians must not just sit back and say it is enough for us to forgive and to forget," Arinze said in the documentary made by Rome film maker Mario Biasetti for Rome Reports, a Catholic film agency specializing in religious affairs.

"Sometimes it is our duty to do something practical. So it is not I who will tell all Christians what to do but some know legal means which can be taken in order to get the other person to respect the rights of others," Arinze said.

"This is one of the fundamental human rights: that we should be respected, our religious beliefs respected, and our founder Jesus Christ respected," he said, without elaborating on what legal means he had in mind.

The book, written by Dan Brown, has sold more than 40 million copies. The novel is an international murder mystery centered on attempts to uncover a secret about the life of Christ that a clandestine society has tried to protect for centuries: that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and had children.

"Those who blaspheme Christ and get away with it are exploiting the Christian readiness to forgive and to love even those who insult us. There are some other religions which if you insult their founder they will not be just talking. They will make it painfully clear to you," Arinze said.

This appeared to be a reference to protests by Muslims around the world over cartoons of the Prophet Mohammad.

Last month, another broadside against The Da Vinci Code was launched by Archbishop Angelo Amato, the number two official in the Vatican doctrinal office which was headed by Pope Benedict until his election last year.

Amato urged a boycott of the film and Arinze, like his fellow cardinal, also blasted the credibility of the book.

"The Da Vinci Code presents (Christianity) wrongly...any film produced on the basis of that book is already in error from the word go, no matter how interesting it might appear," Arinze said.

Catholic group Opus Dei has told Sony Pictures that putting a disclaimer on the movie stressing it is a work of fiction would be a welcome show of respect toward the Church. In the novel and film, Opus Dei is characterized as the latest in a series of secretive groups that worked over the centuries to obscure truths about Jesus Christ.

Opus Dei is a controversial conservative Church group whose members are mostly non-clerics and are urged to seek holiness in their everyday professional jobs and lives. It has rejected criticisms that it is secretive and elitist.

Allah, Sunny Side Up

Allah's Miracle Egg

from Sploid

A man has reportedly discovered an egg with the word "Allah" inscribed on its wrinkled shell in Arabic.

Nonbelievers might chalk it up to the egg hardening before it had a chance to form correctly. But this guy knew it for what it was: a miracle.

According to the Borneo Bulletin, the man took the egg to a religious scholar who confirmed his discovery.

"Allah" has appeared in a variety of curious forms over the years: in a row of trees, in a statistical graph of the Koran, on the side of a fish, and in a row of clouds.

Still, it seems Allah has a soft spot for eggs. He put a religious quote on an egg about to be fried by an anonymous housewife, and on another occasion, the word "Allah" appeared on two eggs purchased by a 33-year-old man in Holland.

These written appearances put Allah distinctly at odds with the Christian Jesus, who doesn't write "Jesus" all over the place but instead appears in person on plates of manicotti and such.

This Is the Part Where You Avert Your Eyes...And Why Aren't You Kneeling?

Are You the Chosen One?
created with QuizFarm.com

8. You will save a baby instead of an old lady if both in a fire-engulfed building. Agree!
12. You love cheese. Agree!
14. You like crayons. Agree!

You scored as The Chosen One!



You are indeed the Chosen One! You absolutley love cheese, crayons, and you will save a baby in place of and elderly woman...how heroic! You will now fight Satan's Army of Doom on the side of God!

The Chosen One!		75%
Not The Chosen One		65%
You are close to the Chosen One		45%

Say, That Reminds Me: Has Anyone Actually Seen Katie Holmes Since She 'Gave Birth'?

Moms-To-Be Fear

from Sploid

Even though biblical historians have proven the "number of the beast" is 616, idiots around the world are preparing for satanic chaos on June 6 of this year - a date often written as "06/06/06," which is close enough to the erroneous "666" for cops and parents to lose their minds.

Police in Colorado have used their "intelligence unit" to figure out that "666" is popular with nervous fundamentalists and amateur devil worshippers.

"They are aware that 666 signifies the Mark of the Beast or the Antichrist to some organizations and believe June 6 is a date that could trigger problems," the Denver Post reported today.

Even in England, where almost nobody takes Christianity seriously, expectant moms are nervous about giving birth on the dreaded day.

Some mums-to-be have even made appointments to have labor induced on June 5, while others mock the whole superstition with plans to name their cursed little ones Damien (from The Omen) or Regan (from The Exorcist).

According to popular (and incorrect) legend, the New Testament book of Revelation warns of some sort of demonic monster who will be associated with the number 666.

For more than 1,700 years, the Christian world has feared the wrong number. It's all because St. Irenaeus - the same 2nd Century bishop in France who decided on four gospels and that the recently rediscovered Gospel of Judas should be suppressed - liked the sound of "666" better than "616."

Both versions were circulating at the time. And despite strong evidence that the original author of Revelation intended 616 because it matched the numerological value of other mentions of "the beast" in Hebrew and Greek texts, Irenaeus had his own personal numerology to follow.

(In discounting dozens of Jesus gospels that were popular in the 2nd Century, as well as a competing church's campaign to only use a pared-down Gospel of Luke, Irenaeus argued that there should be four gospels because...well, he explains it best: "Since there are four zones of the world in which we live, and four principal winds, while the Church is spread over all the earth, and the pillar and foundation of the Church is the gospel, and the Spirit of life, it fittingly has four pillars, everywhere breathing out incorruption and revivifying men.")

The New Testament's Book of Revelation - also known as the Apocalypse of John and the Revelation of Jesus Christ unto his servant John - is a metaphorical prophecy written in the early Christian style of the Apocalypses. According to its author, it was written on the Greek island of Patmos during a period of harsh anti-Christian persecution by the Roman government.

Because it's a coded political document that was meant to encourage an oppressed religious movement of a very specific place and time, many church leaders and theologians have long been opposed to including it in the New Testament.

Martin Luther, who created the protestant religion followed by born-again Christians, said Revelation was "neither apostolic nor prophetic" and that "Christ is neither taught nor known in it."

Early bishops warned that the baffling text could easily be abused by crazy priests and false prophets, and it remained a rejected or disputed part of the New Testament well into the 9th Century. Even today, the Syriac Orthodox Church doesn't include Revelation in its bible - and that church is probably the oldest surviving form of Christianity, reportedly started by St. Peter himself! (The church of Antioch, which started the Syrian church, was the second congregation of Christians on Earth. The first was in Jerusalem, led by James the brother of Jesus.)

And more than 1,700 years later, Christians are still so baffled by Revelation that even the discovery of even more proof that the awful number is really 616 - in the form of the oldest known copy of Revelation - can't shake them from their demonic superstition.

But it's tough to kill a good legend with a few simple facts. That's why the entertainment industry is taking advantage of the 666 ignorance by releasing a variety of diabolical products on June 6, including a remake of the 1970s horror classic The Omen.

The speed metal band Slayer launches a tour on the faux day of dread, and fans of the group are encouraged to celebrate a "National Day of Slayer" by killing neighborhood pets and vandalizing churches while rocking out to Slayer at full blast.

And in a cruel jab at conservative Christians, the publishers of a new book by hysterical columnist Ann Coulter will be released on the "Day of the Beast."