Got Milk? Got Ganesha? Got Miracle!
Next Week: Got Stinking Statues

Crowds Throng To See Hindu Statues Drink

from The Associated Press

Hundreds of thousands of Indians thronged temples across India on Monday in the belief that statues of Hindu gods were drinking milk.

"I put a milk-filled spoon to Ganesha's mouth and he drank it," exclaimed Akhilesh Shukla, a trader in Lucknow, capital of northern Uttar Pradesh state.

He was among the countless devotees who carried milk in glasses and pitchers to northern Indian temples where Hindus worship Ganesha, the elephant-headed god of good fortune and wisdom; Shiva, the destroyer, and Durga, the goddess of strength.

"It is a miracle," said Sudhir Mishra, a priest at a Shiva temple in Lucknow. He said that at least 10 liters of milk had been offered at his temple on Monday.

"Look at the floor it is fairly dry. Where's the milk gone? It should be visible on floor. Can you see that."

But others dismissed the milk-slurping gods as the work of less miraculous forces _ surface tension, which pulls the liquid toward the statues, and capillary action, through which the milk is leached into the statues by tiny pores on the surface of the stone.

"Milk disappears the same way water reaches the top of a tree through roots," said A. K. Sharma, a professor at Lucknow University.

The drinking gods craze came after thousands of Muslims flocked to a bay in Bombay late Friday and early Saturday to drink "
sweet water" - ordinarily brackish water that was noticeably less salty than usual.

As the word spread through television reports, crowds swarmed temples in dozens of cities, just as millions did during a similar episode in 1995, when authorities were forced to deploy extra police to control crowds. Some parts of the country also faced a milk shortage.

At that time, a group of scientists visited a temple in New Delhi and fed a statue milk tinted with dye. The milk was quickly absorbed by the idol, and soon permeated the stone, leaving the statue coated by a colored, milky film.


Horus, Hawkish Egyptian God Found in Choco-
No, Wait - They Say It's Virgin Mary

Okie Dokie

But It's Not

A piece of chocolate, which some believe bears a resemblance to the Virgin Mary, is seen at Bodega Chocolates in Fountain Valley, Calif., Thursday, Aug 17, 2006. Workers at the luxury chocolate company discovered the 2-inch-tall column of chocolate drippings under one of their vats. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

Toilet Bowl of the Gods

'Miracle' Creek Draws Thousands

from Observer

Thousands of Indians drank from a polluted Arabian Sea creek after claims that its water had miraculously turned sweet and could cure illnesses, police said yesterday.

About 5,000 people gathered at the creek in Mumbai overnight, many of them drinking the dirty water from their palms.

'Sweet seawater, this is a miracle. This water is divine,' Sheikh Naseer, a Mumbai man told a local TV news channel.

Children and adults bathed in the creek, which receives thousands of tonnes of sewage and industrial waste every day. Some scooped up seawater in bottles and plastic bags, saying they were going to share it with their families. 'There has been a mad rush to the creek. There is a dargah [Islamic mausoleum] nearby and people felt this is something divine,' said S Kumar, a police officer.

But police began stopping people from going to the creek yesterday after authorities warned drinking the polluted water was dangerous. Mumbai's civic officials said the water could have temporarily lost its salinity for several reasons, including pollution and inflow of freshwater from a nearby source.

'We have collected a sample of the water and sent it for testing,' a city official said.


*Smack* *Smack* Hmmm...Well, She Tastes Like Virgin

Cruz Jacinto, an employee at Bodega Chocolates, holds a piece of chocolate believed to bear the likeness of the Virgin Mary in Fountain Valley, Calif. Thursday, Aug 17, 2006. Workers at the luxury chocolate company discovered a two-inch tall column of chocolate drippings under one of their vats that some think bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)


Christianity Spawns Another Asshole

Before Jesus (left): Sexy leading man. After Jesus (right), fat, obnoxious slob.

He's Perhaps a Smite Too Zealous

from Daily News

Actor Stephen Baldwin is the born-again, George Bush-loving Baldwin brother, but who knew he's also a fan of threesomes in the bedroom?

"I like to ask friends of mine, happy couples who seem to have a pretty good marriage, I will ask them, 'How's your sex life?'" Alec Baldwin's little brother writes in a new book excerpted in the upcoming Esquire mag. "They will say something like pretty good or okay or no complaints here. Here's what I tell them: Imagine taking a healthy sex life and inviting the power of God into that exchange."

Baldwin also seems to prefer a muscular — make that violent and aggressive — form of religion.

"I'd always imagined Jesus was the sweet, cuddly, loving dude, and suddenly I find out he makes Conan the Barbarian look like Conan the wimp," he says. "He didn't come with a guitar singing Kum Ba Yah. Jesus brought a sword to the earth, and he is still swinging it."

As for Baldwin himself, "God has called me to go and make disciples of the youth of America. That is what I am going to do. And if you try to stop me, I am going to break your face."


'Mr. Griffin, Welcome to Guatanamo Bay...'

Presbyterians Gone Wild!

from Sploid

The Presbyterian Church's official publishing company has put the fear of God into Washington with the release of a shocking new book.

Christian Faith and the Truth behind 9/11, A Call to Reflection and Action is the new book by theologian David Ray Griffin.

Like his previous underground bestseller, "The New Pearl Harbor," Griffin's latest book explores the cover-ups and myths of September 11, 2001.

But this time, the retired professor of theology demands that Christians rise up and confront the evildoers just as Jesus and his followers fought the Roman Empire.

The Presbyterian Publishing Company says the book should energize Christians to fight the wicked ones who control the United States:

"Drawing a parallel between the Roman Empire of antiquity and
the American Empire of today, he applies Jesus' teachings to the current
political administration, and he explores how Christian churches, as a community
intending to be an incarnation of the divine, can and should respond."

Griffin says it took nearly two years for him to reach the conclusion that elements within the U.S. government orchestrated the "terrorist" attacks on New York and the Pentagon. According to the new book's preface, Griffin was originally working on a history of 9/11 and "blowback" - the theory that American imperial actions produce hatred for the United States as well as violence against Americans.

But some of his fellow professors were investigating a far more controversial theory - that the "terrorists" themselves could be found in Washington, not a cave in Afghanistan.

Griffin writes that he only began to reject the official 9/11 conspiracy after studying a disturbing timeline of 9/11 events compiled from newspapers, wire service articles and television news.

Darwin Is Good
Darwin Works
(Example A)

How Not To Open a Grenade...

Sledgehammer + Moron + Grenade - NOT Avocado, Moron =

Survival of the Species

from Reuters

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil - A Brazilian man died Tuesday when he tried to open what police believe was a rocket-propelled grenade with a sledgehammer in a mechanical workshop on the outskirts of Rio de Janeiro.

Another man who was in the workshop at the time of the explosion was rushed to a hospital with severe burns, a police officer told Reuters. The workshop was destroyed and several cars parked outside caught fire.

Police found several unexploded army issue rocket-propelled grenades in the workshop. They believe the ammunition had been brought there by scavengers wanting to sell them as scrap metal, but they also are investigating a possible link to Rio's heavily armed drug gangs who often raid military bases.


If It Wasn't for All the Champagne Enemas, Madonna Could Give a Shit

Russian Church Condemns Madonna

from Online.IE

The Go fuck yourselfski!Russian Orthodox Church has lambasted Madonna's controversial 'crucifixion' stunt, urging Christians to boycott her upcoming Moscow show.

The establishment is the latest in a long line of religious groups to slam the Confessions tour stunt, which sees the singer descend to the stage on a diamante-studded cross, while wearing a crown of thorns. Her Rome performance last night has even prompted some Catholic leaders to call for her ex-communication.

Now the Russian church is adding its disapproval ahead of her September 11 show.

Spokesman Father Vsevolod Chaplin says: "This is not the first year that this lady has been mixing songs about human passion with Christian symbols - crosses, statues of the virgin, beads, and now it's self-crucifixion.

"This means the singer needs spiritual assistance."

Wah! Wah! Wah!
Bitch! Moan! Whine!

Eastern Religions Need To Stop Pissing Their Pants...I Know Girl Scouts with Thicker Skin

Sacred Text on Clothes: Fashion Designer Booked

from Nerve WS

Police Put some clothes on, Jainy!have registered a complaint against a Mumbai-based fashion designer and two shops for "hurting religious sentiments" by designing and selling clothes with sacred Hindu and Jain texts.

Two religious groups, the Rajnagar Jain Sangh and Bharatiya Dharmarakshak Sena, late Monday night lodged a complaint with the Navrangpura police station here against Designer Dipen Desai, his firm Veda and Mantra and the two city-based garments showrooms for "hurting religious sentiments," a police official told IANS.

On behalf of their organisations, Rashmin Shan and Abhay Shah complained that the printing of the Gayatri Mantra and Navkar Mantra on clothes was an insult to the Hindu and Jain religions.

Police have filed the complaint under Section 295(c) of the Indian Penal Code, relating to hurting religious sentiments.

Police said they were searching for the owners of the two showrooms here that were selling the contentious clothes.


Pat Finally Faces Facts: It's Not God's Wrath After All - It's Just 'Global Warming'


Heat Convinces Robertson of Global Warming

from Reuters

NEW YORK - Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson said Thursday the wave of scorching temperatures across the United States has converted him into a believer in global warming.

"We really need to address the burning of fossil fuels," Robertson said on his 700 Club broadcast. "It is getting hotter, and the icecaps are melting and there is a buildup of carbon dioxide in the air."

This week the heat index, the perceived temperature based on both air temperatures and humidity, reached 115 Fahrenheit in some regions of the East Coast. The 76-year-old Robertson told viewers that was "the most convincing evidence I’ve seen on global warming in a long time."

Last year, Robertson said natural disasters affecting the globe, including hurricanes Katrina and Rita that wrecked the U.S. Gulf Coast, might be signs that the biblical apocalypse was nearing.

The issue has divided conservative Christians.

In October, Robertson, a former Republican presidential candidate, said the National Association of Evangelicals was teaming up with "far left environmentalists" for saying global warming was caused by humans and needed to be mitigated.

Signers of that statement included California mega-church pastor Rick Warren, author of the bestselling The Purpose Driven Life.

In the late 1990s, Robertson paid at least $300,000 to investigate the revival of an oil refinery east of Los Angeles. The bid was unsuccessful.

Worshipping Radioactive Meteorites - How Quaint

...Like Cavemen Might Do - Their Deities Must Be So Proud

Indian Villagers Worship Rocks after Meteor Shower

from Steel Turman

Villagers in western India have reportedly begun worshipping rock fragments following a meteor shower.

Residents in Gujarat state's Kutch region have been hunting for meteorite fragments after streaks of light were seen over three heavily populated districts late Monday, the Times of India daily said.

Witnesses said they heard a big thud Monday night while others saw streaks of red and yellow light falling from the sky, according to the paper.

Some villagers believe meteorites are the rocks that Rama, hero of the Hindu epic Ramayana, used to build a bridge to rescue his kidnapped wife.

Others say the rock fragments have special powers.

"My son picked up one such stone and developed rashes on his hands. I believe these stones have been sent by God," Hansa Bai, a villager who lives in Jamnagar district, told the Times of India.


[Noun] Infuriates Muslims

Gimme a Noun...Any Noun. They're All Correct.



'No, Wait...South Park'


But how can blasphemy be so colorful and whimsically drawn?

South Park Episode Infuriates Bosnian Muslims

from Free Republic

Islamic groups in Bosnia are infuriated after local TV network OBN broadcast an episode of South Park which depicts the Muslim Prophet Mohammed. The episode in question portrays the Muslim prophet alongside Christianity's Jesus Christ, Hinduism's Krishna, and Buddhism's Buddha.

Enes Ljevakovic, head of the Bosnian Islamic Council, says, "The broadcast (of the cartoon) is unacceptable and we condemn it and consider it to be a kind of provocation.

"According to Islamic tradition, the presentation of Prophet Mohammed or any other prophet is unacceptable, even if their presentation is not sarcastic but in positive light.

"The cartoon was even censored in the United States and that is what the local Bosnian television station should have done as well."

Nearly 40 per cent of Bosnia's 3.8 million population are Muslims.

Creationist Calls Evolution 'Age-Old Fairy Tale'?!?

That Bitch Got Some Balls

No Job, Big Balls

'What in tarnation?'

Evolution Opponents Lose in Kan. Primary

from The Associated Press

TOPEKA, Kan. - Conservative Republicans who pushed anti-evolution standards back into Kansas schools last year have lost control of the state Board of Education once again.

The most closely watched race was in western Kansas, where incumbent conservative Connie Morris lost her GOP primary Tuesday. The former teacher had described evolution as "an age-old fairy tale" and "a nice bedtime story" unsupported by science.

As a result of Tuesday's vote, board members and candidates who believe evolution is well-supported by evidence will have a 6-4 majority. Evolution skeptics had entered the election with a 6-4 majority.

Critics of Kansas' science standards worried that if conservatives retained the board's majority, it would lead to attempts in other states to copy the Kansas standards.

"There are people around the country who would like to see the Kansas standards in their own states," said Eugenie Scott, director of the National Center for Science Education in Oakland, Calif., which supports the teaching of evolution.

Control of the school board has slipped into, out of and back into conservative Republicans' hands since 1998, resulting in anti-evolution standards in 1999, evolution-friendly ones in 2001 and
anti-evolution ones again last year.

Late-night comedians have been making cracks about Kansas, portraying it as
backward and ignorant. Comedy Central's The Daily Show broadcast a four-part series titled, "Evolution Schmevolution."

The school board contest was part of a larger effort by the intelligent design movement to introduce its ideas in public schools.

A suburban Atlanta school district is locked in a legal dispute over its putting stickers in 35,000 biology textbooks declaring evolution "a theory, not a fact."

Last year, in Dover, Pa., voters ousted school board members who had required the biology curriculum to include mention of intelligent design. A federal judge struck down the policy,
declaring intelligent design is religion in disguise.

A poll by six news organizations last year suggested about half of Kansans thought evolution should be taught alongside intelligent design.

Proponents of Kansas' latest standards contend they encourage open discussion.

"Students need to have an accurate assessment of the state of the facts in regard to Darwin's theory," said John West, a vice president for the Center for Science and Culture at the Seattle-based, anti-evolution Discovery Institute.

The standards say that the evolutionary theory that all life had a common origin has been challenged by fossils and molecular biology. And they say there is controversy over whether changes over time in one species can lead to a new species.


Who Needs Stupid Old Science When You Have Magic? Magic Can Explain Anything!

Dinosaurs? Magic! Fossils? Magic! Adam? Magic!

Like I wouldn't eat Eve in a heartbeat. I have the brain the size of a peanut and I'm dead but even I know better. Niggapleez!

Museum Tells Earth's History with Bible

from The Associated Press

PETERSBURG, Ky. - Like most natural history museums, this one has exhibits showing dinosaurs roaming the Earth. Except here, the giant reptiles share the forest with Adam and Eve.

That, of course, is contradicted by science, but that's the point of the $25 million Creation Museum rising fast in rural Kentucky.

Its inspiration is the Bible - the literal interpretation that contends God created the heavens and the Earth and everything in them just a few thousand years ago.

"If the Bible is the word of God, and its history really is true, that's our presupposition or axiom, and we are starting there," museum founder Ken Ham said during recent tour of the sleek and modern facility, which is due to open next year.

Ham, an Australian native who started the Christian publishing company Answers in Genesis in the late 1970s, said the goal of his privately funded museum is to change minds and rebut the scientific point of view.

"We're going to show you that we can make sense of the different people groups, we can make sense of fossils, we can make sense of what you see in the world," he said.

Visitors to the museum, a few miles from Cincinnati, will be able to watch the story of creation unfold in a 180-seat special-effects theater, see a 40-foot-tall recreation of a section of Noah's Ark and stare into the jaws of robotic dinosaurs.

"It's education, but it's also doing it in an entertaining way," Ham said.

Scientists say fossils and sophisticated nuclear dating technology show that the Earth is more than 4 billion years old, the first dinosaurs appeared around 200 million years ago, and they died out well before the first human ancestors arose a few million years ago.

"Genesis is not science," said Mary Dawson, curator emeritus of vertebrate paleontology at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History in Pittsburgh. "Genesis is a tale that was handed down for generations by people who really knew nothing about science, who knew nothing about natural history, and certainly knew nothing about what fossils were."

Ham said he believes most fossils are the result of the Great Flood described in Genesis.

Mark Looy, a vice president at Answers in Genesis, said the museum has received at least $21 million in private donations. He said two anonymous donors have given $1 million, and he expects the museum to be debt-free when it opens next May.

John Morris, president of the Institute for Creation Research in San Diego, an organization that promotes creationism, said the museum will affirm the doubts many people have about science, namely the notion that man evolved from lower forms of life.

"Americans just aren't gullible enough to believe that they came from a fish," he said.

Religion: The Acne of Democracy

...And God Throws the Dart: 'Stafford?! Where the Hell? Very Well. Hilarious!'

God Squeezing the Life Out of Texas Town

from Sploid

The last brick left in "the wall of separation between church and state" that religious nuts care about is the exemption from taxation for churches. Now a small town in Texas is being beaten to death with that brick.

Leonard Scarcella is the mayor of Stafford, Texas, just outside of Houston. He is desperate for the sweet relief of secular commerce.

"Our city has an excessive number of churches," he sighs.

Somehow Stafford has managed to stuff 51 religious institutions into only 7 square miles. Now they are left with only 300 more acres to develop some sort of a tax base.

"With federal laws, you can't just say, 'We're not going to have any more churches,'" Scarcella said. "We respect the Constitution, but 51 of anything is too much."

Making matters worse for the town's budgeting is the absence of a property tax.

"It's thrown everything out of balance, plus providing zero revenue. Somebody's got to pay for police, fire and schools," City Councilman Cecil Willis said.

With the exception of Jews, you can find nearly every manner of worshipper in Stafford. Buddhists, Muslims, Chinese Baptists, Filipino Baptists, Spanish-speaking Baptists, and "every other variety of Christian you can imagine" call Stafford home says Scarcella.

What's more puzzling is that these houses of the holy aren't even serving the people of Stafford; most worshippers are coming from surrounding towns.

Willis has started asking applicants "Why Stafford?"

"Every one of them said they prayed about it, and God said to come here," he said. "I can't compete with that, so here we are."

What Has a Billion Screaming Heads & Too Much Time on Its Bloody Hands? (Hint: Rhymes with 'Pisslam')

Enemy of Islam

from Sploid

The latest target of the Islamic religious fanatics who now control the streets of Baghdad - thanks America! - is the humble falafel sandwich.

Roving thugs who fancy themselves Islamic judges are "Talibinizing" the wrecked city, handing out their own edicts and murdering anyone who disagrees.

Targeting the usual vices - such as women walking in public or any sort of newsstand or DVD vendor who offers something racy - apparently wasn't enough for the Sunni toughs. So they went after the hardworking street vendors who offer cheap and tasty food to a hungry, doomed city.

In a sick parody of the American health police, the tough guys are even imposing their own smoking bans on various restaurants. Instead of a fine, those who violate the smoking ban are slaughtered.

Falafel vendors first thought the fanatics were
kidding about the falafel ban. But then two people who run falafel stands were shot dead in the street.

"They came telling us, 'You have 14 days to end this job,' and I asked them what was the problem," falafel man Abu Zeinab
told England's Daily Telegraph.

"I said I was just feeding the people, but they said there were no falafels in Muhammad the prophet's time, so we shouldn't have them either. I felt like telling them there were no Kalashnikovs in Muhammad's time either, but I wanted to keep my life."

There were no pizzas and cola drinks in Muhammad's time, either, but merchants selling those Western treats have yet to be targeted by Iraq's brutal street-gang version of the Taliban.

Some suspect it's about Israel, because it's always about Israel. Falafel stands are wildly popular in the Jewish state - as they are in every Mediterranean, North African and Middle Eastern nation, as well as pretty much any big city in the world these days.

But it's a political issue because Israelis claim the falafel as a national food. Palestinians say European Jews stole the tasty dish from local Arabs when those Jews first began resettling the Holy Land a century ago.

In fact,
falafel is an ancient Egyptian food, predating both the Islamic religion and the founding of Israel.

Made originally from crushed and fried fava beans, most of today's
falafel is made from chickpeas prepared in the same way. Stuffed in pita bread and topped with vegetables and sauces, the falafel is a cheap and healthy fast food.

But even though it has been a staple in the Middle East for thousands of years, it is no longer safe on the streets of the blood-soaked hellscape of Baghdad.

The United States military brought peace, prosperity and democracy to Iraq in 2003.

Sugar-Coated Mail-Order Blessings?! And E-Poojas Sound Yummy! Gosh, Hinduism's So Cool & Silly!

Get with the Program, 'Jesus' (Loser)

Hindu Goddess Now Distributes Her Blessings Online

from Boing Boing

Scott Carney, an American expat tech journalist living in Chennai, India, tells BoingBoing,

"One of the most important temples in South India has decided on a new plan to market its religious services.

"Starting some time in the next few weeks the Meenakshi Temple in Madurai will begin offering E-poojas for people who can't make it to the temple for pilgrimage. How's that for mixing religion and technology?"

Link to Scott's blog post, in which he adds: "For an additional fee prasadam, eatable sugar coated blessings, can be mailed anywhere in the globe."