...And So I Said: #2
Nuns Should Fly!
...from 'Wash Me'
Unlike the previous, far more impassioned installment, today's And So I Go is submitted merely for possible amusement. If you have a Calvin or Hobbes hidden deep inside you, you'll understand. This brief feedback comes from another Miracle Whip article, which told the tale of a car so in need of a wash, the owner such a slob, that a filthy face could be seen in the grime - hopefully totally embarrassed - by certain people at certain angles, etc., etc. Of course, no one thinks it's the face of Grizzly Adams or your dead Uncle Roscoe - it has to be Jesus! Who else makes cameos in dirt? (I'll say one thing about the Judeo-Christian deities - toilet walls, freeway underpasses, pretzels, sandwiches - they classy! But it was imagining a giant Virgin Mary battling the Statue of Liberty in Times Square that got my juices flowing - Lib's torch shooting jets of fire while Mary does gravity-can-go-fuck-itself Crouching Tiger moves across skyscrapers....ahhh. It's thoughts like that that keep me from getting any work done. Rodan vs. Mary? That will require several illustrations? Gamera vs. Mary? Giant fiery turtle flying through the air? That takes me through lunch today. The Virgin of Monster Island?!? OMG! MECHAVIRGIN vs. MARYZILLA?!?! Oh, I'm so there. My day is set! If she did just one of these things - fought just one giant monster - I'd be so Christian I'd burn myself at the stake. I might even convert for a single flying nun! Alas, mythologies being what they are, myths, that'll never happen.
If there were a Jesus, and he wanted to remind people to strengthen their faith, wouldn't he just appear on the Today Show or Letterman, or something? I doubt he'd appear on some random guys tailgate. To paraphrase Denis Leary: "He has a bigger budget than that."
And So I Said...
These 'Christian' 'miracles' are like something Ed Wood would do. Bad special effects you can do better at home. Jesus should be the Spielberg of miracles! Nuns should fly! The pope should shoot lasers out of his eyes! Kali statues should patrol the streets! Tom Cruise should rule Earth! But no.
And most of these OMG-There's-Jesus 'miracles' happen because something got really dirty or damaged - A] Unimpressive, B] Tacky, and C] Suggests Christians should really wash more - or they 'see' Jesus in a tree trunk - A] When a cloud looks like an elephant in a chef's hat, it's not a miracle proving the existance of elephant chefs, B] From another perspective, it looks like something else or nothing at all C] because it's a shape, one of an infinite number of shapes all around you, most of which will look like something else.
And the 'crying Mary' statues! Getting old! Enough! Have her on Regis! Or giant-size in Time's Square on live TV, causing a stunned Dick Clark a terminal heart attack, and then she raises him from the dead! On Live TV! Or wrestling the Statue of Liberty! Mary vs. The Sphinx! As stunned Katie Couric wets herself and the pope explodes in butterflies! Live! Have her show up at everyone's front door with a pizza and then turn something into a giant kitten that speak French! Or into a walnut or something. Anything. "See?" she'd say.
That's a miracle.
Ride of the Valkyrie: 'Attack formation Leviticus VI, on my mark...'