Messiah of Steel

Jesus Is Gay!

from Sploid

Christians made the shocking announcement this week that the homosexual Superman in the new summer blockbuster movie is actually Jesus Christ.

"It is so on the nose that anyone who has not caught on that Superman is a Christ figure, you think, 'Who else could it be referring to?'" asked author Steve Skelton, the Christian author of "The Gospel According to the World's Greatest Superhero."

Skelton told the Associated Press that Superman is obviously based on the biblical story of Jesus. That would seem to conflict with widespread reports that the new Superman is, in fact, a gay man in New York.

While the astonishing claim by Christians that their savior is a homosexual may at first seem outlandish, it may also explain Christian hostility to The Da Vinci Code movie, in which Jesus is portrayed as a heterosexual who fathers children with his disciple Mary Magdalene.

"The allusion to Jesus Christ could hardly be accidental," Christian blogger Tom Gilson wrote, according to AP.

And another blogger asked, "Is this a new Superman for the new Evangelist red state America? Superman as Jesus?"

Both Christians and homosexuals seem certain that the new Superman is one of them.

Gays note the new Superman's traditional gay mannerisms and lifestyle, his "Muscle Mary" gym-crafted physique and his "bold queer spirit."

Christians point out that Superman is the only son of a soon-to-be-killed space monster and gets sent in a UFO to the planet Earth, where he grows up in the Midwest and later works for a big-city newspaper while secretly saving people from various super-criminals - much like Jesus in the New Testament.

Could both groups be correct?

The original Gospel According to Mark originally contained a passage that describes the religion of Jesus as a homosexual mystery cult - such mystery religions were popular in the Greek-dominated culture of the Middle East.

An ancient letter from Clement of Alexandria praises an underling for "silencing the unspeakable teachings" of "Secret Mark," specifically the line about "naked man with naked man."

Thought to have been written late in the first century A.D., Mark is the oldest known gospel and the only one that makes no claim of a resurrection. (Original versions simply end at 16:8 with two Marys frightened by their discovery that Jesus' corpse had been moved.) Several holes in the story were filled in by the discovery of a "secret" version of Mark that the church successfully suppressed until letters and fragments were found.

The "gaydar" of biblical scholars was set off by this passage in particular:

"And going out of the tomb they came into the house of the youth, for he was rich. And after six days Jesus told him what to do and in the evening the youth comes to him, wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God."

While born-again Christians are often hostile to homosexuals and vocally complain about gay entertainment, there are signs that gay culture has merged with Christian culture - most disturbingly in the "Lord's Gym" chain of heartland athletic clubs.

The popular logo for the gym shows a "muscle man" Jesus grunting on the floor with a "cross" figure apparently sodomizing Him. The chain's website plays a slinky disco instrumental track with a rave-style light show around the sweaty Jesus figure.

The message is clear: Big-city health-club scenes have found a home in "straight" America by merging with the popular born-again Christian movement.