OMG! Most Kids Practice Witchcraft?! That's Shocki-Oh, Wait...False Alarm: It's Just Pew Potato Propaganda

'Hey kids, Sabrina here! You know what's fun? Blood in the name of the Beast! The next time mommy takes a nap, go into the kitchen and get a knife...'

Nation of Witches

from Sploid

A shocking new study finds that
73 percent of American teens are experimenting with the occult.

The results prove what Christian evangelicals have long feared: Today's kids have hardly any interest in stodgy follow-the-rules Christianity because they're too busy communicating with the dead, summoning demons, and
casting spells.

Based on nationwide surveys of more than 4,000 kids,
Teens and the Supernatural was released this week by the Barna Group, a research firm for fundamentalist Christian churches.

"Teenagers relish experiences and the supernatural world provides fertile ground for their explorations," the Barna Group report says. "In fact, three-quarters of America’s youth have engaged in at least one type of psychic or witchcraft-related activity, beyond mere media exposure or horoscope usage."

Today's kids aren't just fascinated by the supernatural - they're increasingly in direct contact with it.

More than a third of the surveyed teens have communicated with entities using Ouija boards, another third have studied witchcraft rituals, and 25 percent enjoy role-playing games about sorcery and demonology.

Some are even more serious about the occult: 1 in 10 has taken part in a real séance and 1 in 12 has actually cast spells or made magical potions.

The Christian researchers blame the media for this, too:

"Supernatural beings, stories, and themes have invaded America’s entertainment choices - from movies (such as Underworld, The Sixth Sense, The Exorcism of Emily Rose), to television programs (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Ghost Whisperer), to books (Harry Potter, Goosebumps) and video games (Doom, The Darkness)."

But horror and paranormal themes have been just as popular
for centuries. From the 15th Century demonic nightmare paintings of Hieronymus Bosch to the luridly reported Salem witch trials of the 1692, the dawn of gothic and sadist novels in the late 1700s to the incredible string of ground-breaking horror art of the 1800s (Frankenstein, Dracula, Edgar Allen Poe, Francesco Goya, the Brothers Grimm, The Hunchback of Notre Dame), supernatural and macabre themes have always wildly popular.

There are many theories why today's kids aren't content to just be entertained by the paranormal.

The Barna Group study blames it on born-again churches ignoring the problem. Unlike skeptics of the paranormal, fundamentalist Christians literally believe in witchcraft, demonology, magic, possession and monsters. But the belief is wrapped in fear and dread; they avoid exposure to the non-Jesus occult world at all costs.

The result, according to the study, is that even "born again" kids are studying pagan mysticism.

Secular researchers say today's teenagers just aren't content to watch or listen to anything
without getting involved. Interactive video games, the Internet, iPods, blogs and "fan fiction" have put kids in control of their media, deciding what they'll take from outside sources and what they'll invent for themselves - unlike the "couch potatoes" who watch whatever's on television or the "pew potatoes" who blindly follow the commands of the local preacher.

'Thank you, Derwood, for that delightful story.' No, thank you, Endora, for a tormented childhood of crippling nicknames. Bitch. You know what? They may be on to something. I guess they're not called the religious "right" for nothing. So, yes, burn the witches! Burn them all! Starting with this Satanic bitch!


Blogger Steve said...

It probably comes from watching too much "Charmed". They'll probably give it up, when they discover that they can't do special effects in real life.

January 28, 2006 3:06 PM  
Blogger Darren said...

Technically, any amount of Charmed is too much Charmed. But you're probably right.

Just one! Just one person in the world: Cast a spell! One spell! Or let's see one indisputable ghost! One unquestionable miracle! One act of obvious telekinesis! Someone actually read my mind! Just one! On TV surrounded by scientists! Just one! And this will all be settled. An angel on Regis! Resurrection on Oprah! Pyrokinesis on CNN!




January 28, 2006 6:31 PM  

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