Godless Wonder

Machine Gun Mary Spills Her Guts on Oprah

2007-09-13T18:09:00.000-04:00

Mary Winkler Calls Murder of Her Minister Husband 'Tragic Event'

from Fox News

CHICAGO — The mother who confessed to killing her minister husband with a shotgun spoke out for the first time on national television Wednesday, calling the murder a "tragic event" and expressing a longing to see her three young daughters again.

Mary Winkler, 33, accepted an invitation from Oprah Winfrey to appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show to talk about her crumbling marriage and the events leading up to her husband's death.

After an argument with her husband, Matthew Winkler, on March 22, 2006, Mary took the shotgun from their bedroom closet and fired.

"When I heard the boom, I just thought that it would have hit the ceiling, the window, and I just thought 'Oh my goodness, he's going to think that I meant to do that on purpose,' and so I took off. I just took off running," Mary Winkler said in a taped interview. "Then at some point, I just realized he wasn’t chasing me and I just had to go back in and face the realization."

Mary Winkler said her husband was upset after their baby girl woke them up crying from her crib in their Selmer, Tenn., home.

Matthew Winkler put his hand over the baby's mouth and nose to quiet her, she said. After Mary Winkler took the baby from him, he returned the bedroom. Mary then put the baby back to bed and went to the bedroom to talk to her husband.

After shooting her husband, Mary Winkler put their three daughters in the family minivan and fled. She was later arrested hundreds of miles away in Alabama after an Amber Alert was issued.

Mary Winkler was convicted of voluntary manslaughter and served five months in jail with two months in a mental-health treatment facility.

"I do love him. I think of the good times," Mary Winkler said. "He's my girls' daddy. I just, love Matthew. It was very bad but it could be very good."

A judge denied Mary Winkler permission to travel to Chicago to talk with Winfrey in person. A taped portion previously recorded was broadcast instead.

"I was just so afraid," Mary Winkler said. "At that point, I felt like my life was in danger."

Winkler's trial showcased evidence of an abusive marriage, including what Mary Winkler called "unnatural sex acts" complete with white platform shoes and a wig to comply with her husband's desires.

The couple had discussed getting a divorce, she said.

Winkler, now wrapped up in a custody fight to see her daughters, said she hopes to see them again.

Winkler's former in-laws, Dan and Diane Winkler, have custody of the girls — ages 2, 8 and 10 — and want to terminate her parental rights and adopt their granddaughters.

Jesus Drives a Jaguar?

2007-09-13T17:44:00.000-04:00

Ex-Priest Pleads Guilty to Stealing Thousands From Church

from Fox News

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A former priest pleaded guilty to stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from his church by setting up secret bank accounts to pay for a life of luxury, including traveling around the world and buying a condominium.

The Rev. Michael Jude Fay, who resigned last year as pastor of St. John Roman Catholic Church, pleaded guilty Wednesday to interstate transportation of money obtained by fraud. He faces up to 10 years in prison, a $250,000 fine and must pay restitution.

Prosecutors said Fay took between $1 million and $2.5 million over seven years, but the priest has disputed that. He admitted taking between $400,000 and $1 million.

Fay shopped at Bergdorf Goodman, Saks Fifth Avenue and Nordstrom, drove a Jaguar, attended a sports club, bought jewelry from Cartier, spent $130,000 for limo rides for himself and his mother, and stayed at hotels such as the Ritz Carlton, Hotel De Paris and the Four Seasons, according to an investigative report released last year by the Bridgeport Diocese. He spent tens of thousands of dollars on home furnishings and meals and more than $20,000 to mark the 25th anniversary of his ordination, the report said.

He also bought a condominium in Florida with another man. Federal investigators said Fay also spent money to buy a condominium in Philadelphia.

Fay and his attorney, Lawrence Hopkins, declined to comment outside court. In the hearing, Fay said he had undergone chemotherapy for prostate cancer but the treatment was not working.

He was released on a $50,000 bond; sentencing is set for Dec. 4.

Fay remains unauthorized to function as a priest, church officials said. The parish has received restitution in the form of cash, real estate, and personal property worth about a few hundred thousand dollars, church officials said.

Daycare of the Gods: Limbo - The Myth About To End

2007-01-05T20:33:00.000-05:00

Life After Limbo

from Time

Forget about the cute headlines proclaiming that limbo is in limbo. In fact, limbo, the incomplete afterlife postulated by the Roman Catholic Church for infants who die before being baptized, is on the skids. After a commission of top Catholic theologians wrapped up a December conference that examined the topic, the prognosis was apparently grim: the group's secretary-general told Vatican Radio that the church's teaching on limbo was "in crisis."

Beyond being headline news (how often does a major faith admit to retooling its take on the afterlife?), the shift, telegraphed in the 1994 Catechism, should strike most believers as a very good thing. For centuries, Catholic couples lived in fear that in the tragic event that their newborns perished, the infants would go not to heaven but to a cheery yet inaccessible outer parking lot, a locale where they would enjoy eternal happiness but be denied the actual presence of God (and, presumably, of the parents, assuming they reached heaven).

That scheme had come to seem impossibly harsh. Says the Rev. James Martin, an editor at the Jesuit publication America who has performed many baptisms: "My idea of God is not a God who would condemn a baby to an imperfect life for eternity." Many priests have downplayed limbo out of similar concerns, and Martin lauds the Vatican panel for "bringing theological development in line with pastoral application."

Shutting down limbo also aligns nicely with the church's activism on abortion. On last week's Feast of the Holy Innocents - honoring children murdered by the evil King Herod - Pope Benedict XVI emphasized that the embryo is a "full and complete" human being, despite being "shapeless." If you are going to call a fetus' termination murder, then it seems somehow inconsistent to deny heaven to the blameless, full and complete victim.

In the finely balanced theological universe, however, it's hard to give in one area without taking away elsewhere. In this case, the loser is baptism - or at least the rite's broadest, bluntest definition. Limbo was conceived in the Middle Ages to solve a problem relating to original sin, the inherited stain of Adam and Eve's disobedience. Jesus' death on the Cross is understood to have relieved humanity of the burden of that sin, an immunity Catholicism still considers activated for each human as he or she unites with Christ in baptism.

The question arose, What about babies who died before they were baptized? The church father Augustine of Hippo (A.D. 354-430), applying more logic than compassion, said that without baptismal grace, they must go to hell. That proved too much for the theologians of the Middle Ages, who counterproposed limbo. The Protestant reformers eliminated it from their theology along with several other postdeath constructs, but it remained a looming staple of Catholic understanding. Says Martin: "I've rarely baptized a baby where [limbo] has not come up, at least as a joke."

Those nervous jests may now end. The original head of the theological commission that met in December was none other than Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, who had written years earlier that limbo was not actually church doctrine but only a "theological hypothesis." Elsewhere he called it "problematic." As Pope Benedict XVI, he will probably approve a document recognizing unbaptized babies' full entrée into heaven.

Yet in the absence of limbo, some theologians have noticed, the rite of baptism may not seem as imperative to many Catholics as it once appeared. Despite its continued centrality as the sacramental entry to the body of Christ, some of its ASAP urgency will presumably fade. Indeed, the expected limbo ruling comes in addition to an older decision that appeared to downgrade baptism's gatekeeping role. The Second Vatican Council of 1962-65 ruled that in the case of some adult seekers of God - even non-Christians - the desire for the divine could take the place of the rite. Or, as the author of the 2002 book God and the World noted, "men who are seeking for God and who are inwardly striving toward that which constitutes baptism will also receive salvation." The writer was, again, Ratzinger.

Together, these developments invite an investigation of baptism's importance beyond simply preventing the worst, and make a statement about the liberality of grace. Both the commission's work, which speaks for unbaptized infants, and the Vatican II language, which speaks for unbaptized adults, remind believers that, as Ratzinger wrote in a paraphrase of his predecessor John Paul II, Christians may hope that "God is powerful enough to draw to himself all those who were unable to receive the sacrament." Limbo was a vestige of an overfastidious exclusivity. Eliminating it affords a better view of God's many mansions, their doors wider than some of his followers have historically admitted.

A Christian Who Can't Tell Fiction from Reality? That's Just Redundant

2007-01-05T17:25:00.000-05:00

Man Accused of Trying to Exorcise Devil From Days of Our Lives Star Pleads No Contest

from The Associated Press

LOS ANGELES — A man accused of trying to exorcise the devil from a Days of Our Lives star after bursting into his Malibu backyard pleaded no contest to misdemeanor charges of battery and entering private property without permission.

In addition, a judge granted a restraining order sought by actor Drake Hogestyn against Carl Raymond Cheney of Oregon, who entered his plea Wednesday in Los Angeles Superior Court.

Hogestyn, who plays John Black on the popular NBC soap, said in his request for the order that he was on a ladder on New Year's Eve when Cheney ran at his daughter screaming, "'Where is he? I will cast him out.'"

Cheney clutched a Bible while recalling an episode of the soap about demonic possession, the documents state, adding that the intruder also grabbed Hogestyn's wife and pushed her backward.

Hogestyn said he jumped from a ladder and intercepted the intruder.

"I grabbed him by the hair, spun him around, delivered a right cross to the chin that sent him down the stairs," the actor said.

"This sick person Carl Raymond Cheney believed that Satan was in me and that he was the Christ," he wrote.

Hogestyn and his son restrained the man with duct tape until police arrived and arrested him.

After entering his plea, Cheney was released on his own recognizance and ordered to stay with his father. He was also ordered to undergo psychological counseling and take his prescribed medications.

He is scheduled for sentencing on Feb. 6.

'80s Rocker Bob Seger Appears in Tree!

2007-01-04T08:41:00.000-05:00

Residents See Face Of Jesus In Tree Trunk

from WJXT

FLORIDA - Man-made religious decorations are a common sight at this time of year, but the image on a tree in an Arlington man's front yard is natural and some neighbors have begun calling it a holy tree, according to a WJXT-TV report.

Neighbors near Daryl Brown's Arlington home said a tree in his yard bears the image of Jesus. The likeness has created a buzz in the neighborhood and has many residents at a loss for words.

"I see the face, eyes, and you can see the crown," said one neighbor.

"I can't say what I feel, I just feel it," said another neighbor.

The image was discovered a week before Christmas by a woman walking her dog, the report said. Overjoyed by what she saw, the woman shared the news with her neighbor.

"Nancy said, 'Would you like to see something? Just make sure you see it. I don't want to have to show it to you first," Brown said.

Brown recently moved to Arlington from Texas. He said the tree has given him and his family comfort as a symbol that everything is going to be OK in their new home.

"It's a blessing for me just coming to town, getting introduced and meeting new people out here...When she showed me that, I said, 'OK, there is a Jesus.'" Brown said.

Similar to other cases of similar sightings, there will be skeptics. However, Brown said no skeptic could convince him the image is anything but Jesus Christ.

"Jesus don't just pop up like that. If you know the word of Jesus and you believe in Jesus, then there you go. He does exist," Brown said.

Pat Robertson Still Hearing Voices

2007-01-03T14:11:00.000-05:00

Religious Broadcaster Pat Robertson Predicts Horrific Terrorist Attack on U.S. in 2007

from The Associated Press

VIRGINIA BEACH, Virginia — Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson predicted Tuesday a horrific terrorist act on the United States that will result in "mass killing" late in 2007.

"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show The 700 Club on the Christian Broadcasting Network. "The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

Robertson said God told him during a recent prayer retreat that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

"I put these things out with humility," he said.

Robertson said God also told him that the U.S. only feigns friendship with Israel and that U.S. policies are pushing Israel toward "national suicide."

Robertson suggested in January 2006 that God punished then-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for ceding Israeli-controlled land to the Palestinians.

Predicting events for the coming year is an annual tradition for Robertson.

He predicted in January 2004 that President George W. Bush would easily win re-election. Bush won 51 percent of the vote that fall, beating Democratic Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts.

In 2005, Robertson predicted that Bush would have victory after victory in his second term. He said Social Security reform proposals would be approved and Bush would nominate conservative judges to federal courts.

Lawmakers confirmed Bush's 2005 nominations of John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. But the president's Social Security initiative was stalled by widespread opposition.

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

In May, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006. Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.

Why Not Just Burn the Christians, Dumbass?!

2006-12-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

California Man Sets Himself, American Flag, Christmas Tree on Fire to Protest Religious Names

from The Associated Press

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — A man used flammable liquid to light himself on fire, apparently to protest a San Joaquin Valley school district's decision to change the names of winter and spring breaks to Christmas and Easter vacation.

The man, who was not immediately identified, on Friday also set fire to a Christmas tree, an American flag and a revolutionary flag replica, said Fire Captain Garth Milam.

Seeing the flames, Sheriff's Deputy Lance Ferguson grabbed a fire extinguisher and ran to the man.

Flames were devouring a Christmas tree next to the Liberty Bell, where public events and demonstrations are common.

Beside the tree the man stood with an American flag draped around his shoulders and a red gas can over his head.

Seeing the deputy, the man poured the liquid over his head. He quickly burst into flames when the fumes from the gas met the flames from the tree.

The deputy ordered the man to drop to the ground as he and a parole agent sprayed him with fire extinguishers.

"The man stood there like this," the deputy said with his arms across his chest and his head bent down, "Saying no, no, no."

The man suffered first degree burns on his shoulders and arms, Milam said.

Kern County Sheriff's Deputy John Leyendecker said the man had a sign that read: "Fuck the religious establishment and KHSD."

On Thursday, the Kern High School Board of Trustees voted to use the names Christmas and Easter instead of winter and spring breaks.

Buddha-2: Slippery L'il Mutherfucker!

2006-12-18T21:45:00.000-05:00

'Buddha' Boy Meditating at New Venue

from Phayul

Kantipur BARA, Dec 27 - "Buddha" boy, Ram Bahadur Bomjan, who was found on Monday after disappearing for 10 months, resumed meditation at a new site at Halkhorea pond, Tuesday.

Bomjan reached the area, some eight kilometers away from Baghjhor - where he was discovered by a group of hunters on Monday night - after covering the distance on foot for three hours.

As per his "new announcement" on Monday, he started meditating under the historic five hundred-year-old tree near the pond.

"He's now begun meditating in the same posture like in the past," informed chairman of Namo Buddha Committee Bed Bahadur Lama.

Following these developments, locals have been continuing to turn up in huge numbers for a glimpse of the meditating teenager.

Popes Crack! Me! Update: New & Improved Edition

2006-12-08T12:28:00.000-05:00

Now with 30% Less Drooling!

(P.S.: The picture is the link.)

(Shhshh! Here He Comes!)

2006-12-04T10:39:00.000-05:00

Vatican Employees Unable To Relax at Holiday Party with Pope Around

from The Onion

VATICAN CITY - According to various cardinals and nuns attending the Vatican's holiday party last night, festivities were made awkward by the unexpected appearance of Pope Benedict XVI.

"[Prefect Emeritus] Bernardin [Gantin] was about to bust out his St. Bridget impression, which is just spot on, but then the pope walked over and we quickly changed the subject to the sacred presence of the Holy Spirit during transubstantiation," said a cardinal speaking on the condition of anonymity, adding that Pope Benedict's "way too formal" attire made everyone feel even more ill at ease. "He said he didn't want to talk about work, but guess who was the first one to make a segue from our favorite local restaurants to the Bangorian Controversy with the Church Of England?"

Several Vatican employees recalled "the good old days" when Pope John Paul II turned a blind eye to their attempts to get the secretaries drunk playing "Never Have I Ever."

Q: How Many Pollocks Does It Take To Open a Baptist Church?A: God Willing, Just One

2006-11-29T08:58:00.000-05:00

Christians Terrorize Polish Kid

from Wonkette

Michael Gromek, 19, is from Poland, a nation known world over for its godless hedonism and atheistic college students. So when Michael came to visit the US, the Good Lord placed him in the noble hands of a God-fearing Evangelical Christian couple in North Carolina, our second-holiest state.

Gromek, though, was not particularly grateful. So he bitched to Der Spiegel, favorite newspaper of German Marxists.

Things began to go wrong as soon as I arrived in my new home in Winston-Salem, where I was to spend my year abroad. For example, every Monday my host family would gather around the kitchen table to talk about sex. My host parents hadn't had sex for the last 17 years because — so they told me — they were devoting their lives to God. They also wanted to know whether I drank alcohol. I admitted that I liked beer and wine. They told me I had the devil in my heart.

Gromek's host family also forced him to attend church each Sunday at horrifically early hours, and forbid him coffee when he complained. They told him his mother was possessed by the devil, and fed him "lollipops."

They wanted me to help them set up a Fundamentalist Baptist church in my home country of Poland. It was God's will, they said. They tried to slip the topic casually into conversation, but it really shocked me — I realized that was the only reason they had welcomed me into their family. They had already started construction work in Krakow — I was to help them with translations and with spreading their faith via the media.

Michael refused, and, sadly, remains unsaved to this day. As soon as he got back to Poland, all he did was bitch to a newspaper about how backwards and crazy us Americans are.

Here's to you, whiny Polish kid! We'll get ya next time.

Satan: Prince of Peace?Peace: Divisive & Offensive?Yes & Yes...in Colorado

2006-11-27T16:28:00.000-05:00

Peace on Earth? Not in Our Subdivision!

from The Associated Press

DENVER, Colorado - A homeowners' association in southwestern Colorado has threatened to fine a resident $25 a day until she removes a Christmas wreath with a peace sign that some say is an anti-Iraq war protest or a symbol of Satan.

Some residents who have complained have children serving in Iraq, said Bob Kearns, president of the Loma Linda Homeowners Association in Pagosa Springs.

He said some residents believed the wreath was a symbol of Satan. Three or four residents complained, he said.

"Somebody could put up signs that say drop bombs on Iraq. If you let one go up you have to let them all go up," he said in a telephone interview Sunday.

Lisa Jensen said she wasn't thinking of the war when she hung the wreath. She said, "Peace is way bigger than not being at war. This is a spiritual thing."

Jensen, a past association president, calculates the fines will cost her about $1,000, and doubts they will be able to make her pay. But she said she's not going to take it down until after Christmas.

"Now that it has come to this I feel I can't get bullied," she said. "What if they don't like my Santa Claus?"

The association in this 200-home subdivision 270 miles southwest of Denver has sent a letter to her saying that residents were offended by the sign and the board "will not allow signs, flags etc. that can be considered divisive."

The subdivision's rules say no signs, billboards or advertising are permitted without the consent of the architectural control committee.

Kearns ordered the committee to require Jensen to remove the wreath, but members refused after concluding that it was merely a seasonal symbol that didn't say anything.

Kearns fired all five committee members.

Reg Strikes Back

2006-11-13T13:03:00.000-05:00

Elton John: 'I Would Ban Religion Completely'

from The Associated Press

LONDON, England - Organized religion fuels anti-gay discrimination and other forms of bias, pop star Elton John said in an interview published Saturday.

"I think religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people," John said in the Observer newspaper's Music Monthly Magazine. "Religion promotes the hatred and spite against gays."

"But there are so many people I know who are gay and love their religion," he said. "From my point of view, I would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings and it's not really compassionate."

John also criticized religious leaders for failing to do anything about conflicts around the world.

"Why aren't they having a conclave? Why aren't they coming together?"

John said those in his own field have been similarly lax.

"It's like the peace movement in the '60s. Musicians got through to people by getting out there and doing peace concerts, but we don't seem to do them any more," he said. "If John Lennon were alive today, he'd be leading it with a vengeance."

Show Me Where the Bad Man Touched You

2006-11-10T08:49:00.000-05:00

Evangelical Haggard Claims He Was Molested By Republican Congressman

from The Onion

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — Evangelical leader Ted Haggard, who stepped down last week after confessing that he purchased methamphetamines and various services from a male prostitute, revealed Wednesday that he was repeatedly molested by an unnamed Republican congressman in the late 1990s.

"We would communicate on the Internet and then meet in his Washington office to, I thought, discuss faith-based initiatives," said Haggard in a tearful admission in which he asked for the forgiveness of God and his congregation. "Before long, he had progressed from praying alongside me to having me sit on his lap at his desk, and then to touching me in my bathing-suit area. I trusted the congressman, and he violated that trust."

Authorities have not acted on Haggard's allegations, saying that Republicans are often accused of wrongdoings simply because so many of them lead secret gay or criminal lifestyles.

Students Ban Pledge Over 'Under God' As Christians Equate Being Nonchristian with Being Unamerican

2006-11-10T08:39:00.000-05:00

Students Ban Pledge of Allegiance

from Newsmax

Student leaders at a California college have touched off a furor by banning the Pledge of Allegiance at their meetings, saying they see no reason to publicly swear loyalty to God and the U.S. government.

The move by Orange Coast College student trustees, the latest clash over patriotism and religion in American schools, has infuriated some of their classmates - prompting one young woman to loudly recite the pledge in front of the board Wednesday night in defiance of the rule.

"America is the one thing I'm passionate about and I can't let them take that away from me," 18-year-old political science major Christine Zoldos told Reuters.

"The fact that they have enough power to ban one of the most valued traditions in America is just horrible," Zoldos said, adding she would attend every board meeting to salute the flag.

The move was lead by three recently elected student trustees, who ran for office wearing revolutionary-style berets and said they do not believe in publicly swearing an oath to the American flag and government at their school. One student trustee voted against the measure, which does not apply to other student groups or campus meetings.

The ban follows a 2002 ruling by a federal appeals court in San Francisco that said forcing school children to recite the pledge was unconstitutional because of the phrase "under God." The U.S. Supreme Court struck down the ruling on procedural grounds but left the door open for another challenge.

"That ('under God') part is sort of offensive to me," student trustee Jason Bell, who proposed the ban, told Reuters. "I am an atheist and a socialist, and if you know your history, you know that 'under God' was inserted during the McCarthy era and was directly designed to destroy my ideology."

Bell said the ban largely came about because the trustees didn't want to publicly vow loyalty to the American government before their meetings. "Loyalty ought to be something the government earns through performance, not through reciting a pledge," he said.

Martha Parham, a spokeswoman for the Coast Community College District, said her office had no standing on the student board and took no position on the flag salute ban.

"If their personal belief is that they don't want to say the Pledge of Allegiance, the district certainly isn't going to dictate what they do," she said.
More than 28,000 students attend the community college, located in conservative Orange County, California, south of Los Angeles.

'Jesus Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssd'oh!'

2006-11-08T19:14:00.000-05:00

Miracle Seeker Falls Off Jesus Statue

from Metro UK

A man who climbed a 45-foot tall statue of Jesus to pray for a miracle cure saw his plan backfire slightly, when he fell off, breaking several bones.

Farmer Alipio Acosta climbed up the statue of Jesus in Ocaca, Columbia in front of a crowd of onlookers – and TV cameras – in an attempt to be cured of his epilepsy. Once at the top of the statue, he prayed for a few moments, then started to climb back down.

Unfortunately, he hadn't planned his descent route terribly well. To add to the problems, it had been raining, which made Jesus quite slippery.

As he tried to negotiate his way around Jesus' outstretched arm, Acosta dangled for a moment, before losing his grip, falling, bouncing off the plinth and then falling some more.

More religion-related offbeat news on the plus side, he survived. Which is a miracle of sorts.

He was taken to hospital, where he was diagnosed with multiple fractures to his wrist, hip and skull.

This is not the first time Acosta has climbed up the Cristo Ray statue – he did the same thing two years ago. On that occasion, he wasn't cured of his epilepsy, but he didn't fall 45 feet either, making the venture a sort of 0 – 0 win.

The Power of Babble: Speaking in Tongues = Getting Stupid

2006-11-03T08:28:00.000-05:00

Scientists Study 'Speaking in Tongues'

from United Press International

PHILADELPHIA - U.S. scientists, in a first-of-its-kind study, have found decreased brain activity in people "speaking in tongues," a condition known as glossolalia.

The unusual mental state is associated with some religious traditions and occurs when people appear to be speaking in an incomprehensible language, yet perceive it to have great personal meaning.

Medical scientists at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine measured regional cerebral blood flow with single photon emission computed tomography while the subjects were speaking in tongues.

"We noticed a number of changes that occurred functionally in the brain," said the principal investigator, Dr. Andrew Newberg, an associate professor of radiology, psychiatry, and religious studies. "Our finding of decreased activity in the frontal lobes during the practice of speaking in tongues is fascinating because these subjects truly believe the spirit of God is moving through them and controlling them to speak.

"Our brain imaging research shows us that these subjects are not in control of the usual language centers during this activity, which is consistent with their description of a lack of intentional control while speaking in tongues."

The research appears in the November issue of the journal Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging.

Who Would Jesus Blow?

2006-11-03T08:08:00.000-05:00

Key Evangelical Quits Amid Gay Sex Claim

from The Associated Press

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. - The president of the National Association of Evangelicals, an outspoken opponent of gay marriage, has given up his post while a church panel investigates allegations he paid a man for sex.

The Rev. Ted Haggard resigned as president of the 30 million-member association Thursday after being accused of paying the man for monthly trysts over the past three years.

Haggard, a married father of five, denied the allegations, but also stepped aside as head of his 14,000-member New Life Church pending an investigation.

"I am voluntarily stepping aside from leadership so that the overseer process can be allowed to proceed with integrity," he said in a statement. "I hope to be able to discuss this matter in more detail at a later date. In the interim, I will seek both spiritual advice and guidance."

Carolyn Haggard, spokeswoman for the New Life Church and the pastor's niece, said a four-member church panel will investigate the allegations. The board has the authority to discipline Haggard, including removing him from ministry work.

The acting senior pastor at New Life, Ross Parsley, told KKTV-TV of Colorado Springs that Haggard admitted that some of the accusations were true.

"I just know that there has been some admission of indiscretion, not admission to all of the material that has been discussed but there is an admission of some guilt," Parsley told the station.

He did not elaborate, and a telephone number for Parsley could not be found late Thursday.

The allegations come as voters in Colorado and seven other states get ready to decide Tuesday on amendments banning gay marriage. Besides the proposed ban on the Colorado ballot, a separate measure would establish the legality of domestic partnerships providing same-sex couples with many of the rights of married couples.

The allegations stunned church members.

"It's political, right before the elections," said Brian Boals, a New Life member for 17 years.

Church member E.J. Cox, 25, called the claims "ridiculous."

"People are always saying stuff about Pastor Ted," she said. "You just sort of blow it off. He's just like anyone else in the public eye."

The accusations were made by Mike Jones, 49, of Denver, who said he decided to go public because of the political fight over the amendments.

"I just want people to step back and take a look and say, 'Look, we're all sinners, we all have faults, but if two people want to get married, just let them, and let them have a happy life,'" said Jones, who added that he isn't working for any political group.

Jones, who said he is gay, said he was also upset when he discovered Haggard and the New Life Church had publicly opposed same-sex marriage.

"It made me angry that here's someone preaching about gay marriage and going behind the scenes having gay sex," he said.

Jones claimed Haggard paid him to have sex nearly every month over three years. He said he advertised himself as an escort on the Internet and was contacted by a man who called himself Art, who snorted methamphetamine before their sexual encounters to heighten his experience.

Jones said he later saw the man on television identified as Haggard and that the two last had sex in August.

He said he has voice mail messages from Haggard, as well as an envelope he said Haggard used to mail him cash. He declined to make the voice mails available to the AP, but KUSA-TV reported what it said were excerpts late Thursday that referred to methamphetamine.

"Hi Mike, this is Art," one call began, according to the station. "Hey, I was just calling to see if we could get any more. Either $100 or $200 supply."

A second message, left a few hours later, began: "Hi Mike, this is Art, I am here in Denver and sorry that I missed you. But as I said, if you want to go ahead and get the stuff, then that would be great. And I'll get it sometime next week or the week after or whenever."

Haggard, 50, was appointed president of the evangelicals association in March 2003. He has participated in conservative Christian leaders' conference calls with White House staffers and lobbied members of Congress last year on U.S. Supreme Court appointees after Sandra Day O'Connor announced her retirement.

After Massachusetts legalized gay marriage in 2004, Haggard and others began organizing state-by-state opposition. Last year, Haggard and officials from the nearby Christian ministry Focus on the Family announced plans to push Colorado's gay marriage ban for the 2006 ballot.

At the time, Haggard said that he believed marriage is a union between a man and woman rooted in centuries of tradition, and that research shows it's the best family unit for children.

God: Inhuman Shapeshifting Impotent Hermaphroditic Half-Myth?

2006-11-02T12:32:00.000-05:00

Poll: Nearly Half of Americans Uncertain God Exists

from AFP

Nearly half of Americans are not sure God exists, according to a poll released on Tuesday that also found divisions among the public on whether God is male or female or whether God has a human form and has control over events.

The survey conducted by Harris Poll found that 42 percent of U.S. adults are not "absolutely certain" there is a God compared to 34 percent who felt that way when asked the same question three years ago.

Among the various religious groups, 76 percent of Protestants, 64 percent of Catholics and 30 percent of Jews said they are "absolutely certain" there is a God while 93 percent of Christians who describe themselves as "Born Again" feel certain God exists.

When questioned on whether God is male or female, 36 percent of respondents said they think God is male, 37 percent said neither male nor female and 10 percent said "both male and female."

Only 1 percent thinks of God as a female, according to the poll.

Asked whether God has a human form, 41 percent said they think of God as "a spirit or power than can take on human form but is not inherently human."

As to whether God controls events on Earth, 29 percent believe that to be the case while 44 percent said God "observes but does not control what happens on Earth."

The survey was conducted online between Oct. 4 and 10 among 2,010 U.S. adults.

Careful What You Wish For

2006-11-02T12:26:00.000-05:00

Bible-Clutching Teen Dies after Taser Shots

from The Associated Press

JERSEYVILLE, Ill. — Illinois authorities said a teenager holding a Bible and shouting "I want Jesus" died after being shot by a police stun gun.

Police said the 17-year-old was shot twice with a stun gun after he became combative with officers trying to subdue him. He died Sunday night at a St. Louis hospital.

Oh, Noooooo...Religion Isn't Silly at All!

2006-10-16T10:32:00.000-04:00

Indian Youth Weds Hill To Ward off Curse

from AFP

RANCHI, India - A teenage boy in a tribal village in eastern India wed a hill in order to appease its goddess and remove a curse placed on his mother, a report said.

The boy, Robin, married a hill named Lakshmi after the goddess of prosperity in the presence of a large number of witnesses in Jharkand state, the Hindustan Times said.

The boy's mother, who had fallen and hurt herself while trying to climb the hill, believed the goddess was unhappy with her. She started to pray to Lakshmi and after three months the deity visited her in a dream.

"The hill goddess asked me to get my son married with her. The marriage will help in getting rid of her curse," said Keswar Devi, who lives in Bordih village, some 105 miles southeast of the state capital Ranchi.

"I requested my son and he agreed for the marriage."

On Tuesday, Robin wore a traditional bridegroom's outfit and set out on foot with a large festive party from his village to the hill three kilometers away.

The 400 villagers washed the hill with water and Robin placed a garland at the top.

After the priest performed the wedding rituals, a reception was thrown by the groom's family.

"I have accepted the hill as my wife," said Robin. "I have no remorse."

Congress Makes Church & State Violators Richer

2006-09-29T10:13:00.000-04:00

House Votes to Limit Church-State Awards

from Religion News Service

WASHINGTON - Passage of a House bill that would limit financial rewards in church-state legal battles has been met with cheers and jeers as the controversial measure heads to the Senate.

The Public Expression of Religion Act, passed in a 244-173 vote on Tuesday (Sept. 26), would prohibit plaintiffs in church-state cases from recouping lawyer fees for challenging public expressions of faith.

Concerned Women for America, a conservative activist group, applauded the bill's passage. "If this bill is voted on by the Senate and signed into law, citizens will have the confidence to pursue lawsuits in cases where their religious liberties have been violated," said Lanier Swann, CWA's director of government relations.

Swann cited several cases where the ACLU and others have gone to court over church-state separation issues, including attempts to block displays of the Ten Commandments, denying the Boy Scouts meeting space on public property and the attempts to strike the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance.

Other organizations, however, criticized the House's approval.

"This bill is an underhanded attempt to strip Americans of the protections guaranteed by the Constitution," People For the American Way President Ralph G. Neas said. "It's another example of Congress undermining the system of checks and balances laid out by our nation's founders."

Eliminating the threat of crippling financial judgments will encourage citizens to "stand up to those who would chisel religious symbols from our public buildings and wipe our religious heritage from the public square," said Matthew D. Staver, founder and chairman of Liberty Counsel.

However, Mark J. Pelavin, associate director of the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism, is more concerned that this could start a "full-scale assault on fundamental freedoms."

"Removing certain constitutional rights from the full protection of the law is a slippery slope threatening the protection of all rights," Pelavin said.

Snakes on a plane.

Viva Las Jesus!

2006-09-28T17:42:00.000-04:00

Cops: Priests Fleeced Florida Flock of Millions

from The Associated Press

DELRAY BEACH, Florida - Two Roman Catholic priests stole millions in offerings and gifts made to their parish as far back as 40 years ago, prosecutors said Thursday.

Monsignor John Skehan, who was pastor at St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic Church for four decades, was arrested Wednesday night on charges that he stole $8.6 million from the church, using the money to buy property and other assets, investigators said.

The 79-year-old priest was arrested at Palm Beach International Airport as he returned from Ireland and was being held on $400,000 bond on grand theft charges.

The Rev. Francis Guinan, who succeeded Skehan three years ago, has disappeared and was being sought, city police and the Florida Department of Law Enforcement said. He is alleged to have stolen an unspecified amount of money to take gambling trips to Las Vegas and the Bahamas.

An anonymous tip in June 2005 led police and the church to launch the investigation.

Jihad Declared on Man-Boobs

2006-09-28T08:50:00.000-04:00

Pectoral Muscles Targeted by Fitness Fundamentalists

from The Onion

SANA'A, YEMEN — A videotaped statement shown Monday on Yemeni television provides the most conclusive evidence yet that the Muslim bodybuilding extremist group al-Huuruugh has acquired dumbbells from an unknown source and could use them to target vulnerable, undeveloped muscle groups in their pectoral region.

"I call upon the world to stand witness as I violently and repeatedly blast these pecs, purifying and rebuilding them into a shape pleasing to Allah!" a masked, shirtless weightlifter said in the tape, over the strains of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." "Seven! Eight! Nine! God is great, and so are my pecs, trapezius muscles, lower back, and abs! Thirteen! Fourteen! The great Satan Of Flab will soon feel the burn!"

State Department officials said the group is almost certainly a danger to themselves if they do not use better form and stretch thoroughly afterward.

Infidel.

What's German for 'Chickenshit Leashlickers'?Or Arabic for 'That's Right - You're My Bitch Now'?

2006-09-27T13:56:00.000-04:00

Fear of Offending Islam Spurs Hot Debate in Europe

from Reuters

LONDON - Four canceled performances of a Mozart opera have reignited an anxious and heated debate in Europe over free speech, self-censorship and Islam.

By canning its production of Idomeneo, fearful of security threats because of a scene that might offend Muslims, Berlin's Deutsche Oper provoked front-page headlines across the continent and found itself fending off charges of cowardice.

The controversy centered on a scene in which King Idomeneo is shown on stage with the severed heads of Buddha, Jesus, Mohammad and the sea god Poseidon.

"Here we go again. It's like deja vu...This is exactly the kind of self-censorship I and my newspaper have been warning against," said Flemming Rose, culture editor of Denmark's Jyllands-Posten paper, which met a storm of Muslim protest after publishing satirical cartoons of the Prophet Mohammad last year.

He said bowing to fears of a violent Muslim reaction would only worsen the problem: "You play into the hands of the radicals. You are telling them: your tactics are working. This is a victory for the radicals. It's weakening the moderate Muslims who are our allies in this battle of ideas."

Berlin security officials had warned that staging the opera Idomeneo would pose an "incalculable security risk."

The decision to cancel the production even before any protests had materialized was singled out for criticism.

"To do it in advance of any actual protest I think invokes the next protest, because the radicals in any community are aided and abetted by that," said Lisa Appignanesi, a novelist and deputy president of the writers' group PEN in England. "We don't want to end up in a situation where we don't dare to speak up. What we do not want is a society where one is constantly fearful about what the people holding the bombs or the guns might say."

The latest controversy follows a furor in the Muslim world over comments by Pope Benedict this month in which he cited a medieval emperor who associated Islam with violence. He has since distanced himself from the quotations and assured Muslims of his respect, although without directly apologizing.

The opera cancellation was just the last of a series of incidents in recent years where religious sensitivities and artistic expression have clashed.

In 2004, Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh was murdered after outraging Muslims with a film accusing Islam of promoting violence against women, and a British play featuring sexual abuse and murder in a Sikh temple was canceled after protests.

Last year London's Tate Britain museum removed a sculpture by John Latham which it feared would offend Muslims and a British tour of Jerry Springer - The Opera was temporarily canceled when conservative Christian groups complained.

Such tensions are not new, although artists argue they have become more common since September 11, 2001. In 1989 British author Salman Rushdie was forced into hiding after Iran issued a fatwa calling for his death after he wrote The Satanic Verses.

"You can't be afraid of constantly watching your back in the arts," PEN's Appignanesi said. "One is in the business of provoking response. Otherwise there is no art."

Tastes Like Chicken

2006-09-25T19:13:00.000-04:00

Super Priest Can Turn Anything into Body, Blood of Christ

from The Onion

TAOS, NM — Father Thomas Mandow appears to be a simple, mild-mannered parish priest, but his remarkable faith and surpassing holiness have bestowed him with the awesome power to transform just about anything into the body and blood of Jesus Christ.

"I can state, without indulging myself in the sin of pride, that I have been blessed with the ability to convert anything into a Communion sacrament—which must be used for good—and then be partaken of in remembrance of our Lord and Savior," said Mandow in a press conference where he displayed a transubstantiated 24-piece bucket of chicken, a 64-oz. Mountain Dew bottle, and the September 2 issue of Sports Illustrated. "Although I would not advise eating all of these items for reasons having nothing to do with their intrinsic holiness."

Mandow believes he received the dangerous gift of super-consecration after being bitten by a radioactive bishop.

That's Our Benny!

2006-09-16T01:35:00.000-04:00

Muslim Anger over Papal Comments Grows

from The Associated Press

ISTANBUL, Turkey - Pakistan's legislature unanimously condemned Pope Benedict XVI. Lebanon's top Shiite cleric demanded an apology. And in Turkey, the ruling party likened the pontiff to Hitler and Mussolini and accused him of reviving the mentality of the Crusades.

Across the Islamic world Friday, Benedict's remarks on Islam and jihad in a speech in Germany unleashed a torrent of rage that many fear could burst into violent protests like those that followed publication of caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad.

By citing an obscure Medieval text that characterizes some of the teachings of Islam's founder as "evil and inhuman," Benedict inflamed Muslim passions and aggravated fears of a new outbreak of anti-Western protests.

The last outpouring of Islamic anger at the West came in February over the prophet cartoons first published in a Danish newspaper. The drawings sparked protests — some of them deadly — in almost every Muslim nation in the world.

Some experts said the perceived provocation by the spiritual leader of more than a billion Roman Catholics could leave even deeper scars.

"The declarations from the pope are more dangerous than the cartoons, because they come from the most important Christian authority in the world — the cartoons just came from an artist," said Diaa Rashwan, an analyst in Cairo, Egypt, who studies Islamic militancy.

On Friday, Pakistan's parliament adopted a resolution condemning Benedict for making what it called "derogatory" comments about Islam, and seeking an apology. Hours later, the Pakistani Foreign Ministry summoned the Vatican's ambassador to express regret over the pope's remarks Tuesday.

Notably, the strongest denunciations came from Turkey — a moderate democracy seeking European Union membership where Benedict is scheduled to visit in November as his first trip as pope to a Muslim country.

Salih Kapusuz, deputy leader of Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan's Islamic-rooted party, said Benedict's remarks were either "the result of pitiful ignorance" about Islam and its prophet or, worse, a deliberate distortion.

"He has a dark mentality that comes from the darkness of the Middle Ages. He is a poor thing that has not benefited from the spirit of reform in the Christian world," Kapusuz told Turkish state media. "It looks like an effort to revive the mentality of the Crusades."

"Benedict, the author of such unfortunate and insolent remarks, is going down in history for his words," Kapusuz added. "He is going down in history in the same category as leaders such as Hitler and Mussolini."

Even Turkey's staunchly pro-secular opposition party demanded the pope apologize before his visit. Another party led a demonstration outside Ankara's largest mosque, and a group of about 50 people placed a black wreath outside the Vatican's diplomatic mission.

Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Aboul Gheit said the pope should explain and "tell us what exactly did he mean...It can't just be left like that."

Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi has tried to defuse anger, saying the pope did not intend to offend Muslim sensibilities and insisting Benedict respects Islam. In Pakistan, the Vatican envoy voiced regret at "the hurt caused to Muslims."

But Muslim leaders said outreach efforts by papal emissaries were not enough.

"We do not accept the apology through Vatican channels ... and ask him (Benedict) to offer a personal apology — not through his officials," Grand Ayatollah Mohammed Hussein Fadlallah, Lebanon's most senior Shiite cleric, told worshippers in Beirut.

Rashwan, the analyst, feared the official condemnations could be followed by widespread popular protests. Already there had been scattered demonstrations in several Muslim countries.

"What we have right now are public reactions to the pope's comments from political and religious figures, but I'm not optimistic concerning the reaction from the general public, especially since we have no correction from the Vatican," Rashwan said.

About 2,000 Palestinians angrily protested Friday night in Gaza City. Earlier, Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh, of the Islamic militant group Hamas, said the pope had offended Muslims everywhere.

In Cairo, some 100 demonstrators stood outside the al-Azhar mosque chanting: "Oh Crusaders, oh cowards! Down with the pope!"

The pope quoted from a book recounting a conversation between 14th-century Byzantine Christian Emperor Manuel Paleologos II and a Persian scholar on the truths of Christianity and Islam.

"The emperor comes to speak about the issue of jihad, holy war," Benedict said. "He said, I quote, 'Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.'"

The pope did not explicitly agree with nor repudiate the comment.

In Britain, the head of the Muslim Council, a body representing 400 Muslim groups, said the emperor's views quoted by the pope were bigoted.

"One would expect a religious leader such as the pope to act and speak with responsibility and repudiate the Byzantine emperor's views in the interests of truth and harmonious relations between the followers of Islam and Catholicism," said Muhammad Abdul Bari, the council's secretary-general.

Many Muslims accused Benedict of seeking to promote Judeo-Christian dominance over Islam.

Even Iraq's often divided Shiite and Sunni Arabs found unity in their anger over the remarks, with clerics from both communities criticizing Benedict.

"The pope and Vatican proved to be Zionists and that they are far from Christianity, which does not differ from Islam. Both religions call for forgiveness, love and brotherhood," Shiite cleric Sheik Abdul-Kareem al-Ghazi said during a sermon in Iraq's second-largest city, Basra.

Few in Turkey, especially, failed to pick up on Benedict's reference to Istanbul as Constantinople — the city's name more than 500 years ago — before it was conquered by Muslim Ottoman Turks.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel defended the German-born pope, saying his message had been misunderstood.

"It is an invitation to dialogue between religions and the pope has explicitly urged this dialogue, which I also endorse and see as urgently necessary," she said Friday. "What Benedict XVI makes clear is a decisive and uncompromising rejection of any use of violence in the name of religion."

In the United States, a Muslim group, the Council for American-Islamic Relations, asked for a meeting with a Vatican representative and urged more efforts at improving understanding between Muslims and Catholics.

"The proper response to the pope's inaccurate and divisive remarks is for Muslims and Catholics worldwide to increase dialogue and outreach efforts aimed at building better relations between Christianity and Islam," the group said.

Got Milk? Got Ganesha? Got Miracle!Next Week: Got Stinking Statues

2006-08-21T19:41:00.000-04:00

Crowds Throng To See Hindu Statues Drink

from The Associated Press

Hundreds of thousands of Indians thronged temples across India on Monday in the belief that statues of Hindu gods were drinking milk.

"I put a milk-filled spoon to Ganesha's mouth and he drank it," exclaimed Akhilesh Shukla, a trader in Lucknow, capital of northern Uttar Pradesh state.

He was among the countless devotees who carried milk in glasses and pitchers to northern Indian temples where Hindus worship Ganesha, the elephant-headed god of good fortune and wisdom; Shiva, the destroyer, and Durga, the goddess of strength.

"It is a miracle," said Sudhir Mishra, a priest at a Shiva temple in Lucknow. He said that at least 10 liters of milk had been offered at his temple on Monday.

"Look at the floor it is fairly dry. Where's the milk gone? It should be visible on floor. Can you see that."

But others dismissed the milk-slurping gods as the work of less miraculous forces _ surface tension, which pulls the liquid toward the statues, and capillary action, through which the milk is leached into the statues by tiny pores on the surface of the stone.

"Milk disappears the same way water reaches the top of a tree through roots," said A. K. Sharma, a professor at Lucknow University.

The drinking gods craze came after thousands of Muslims flocked to a bay in Bombay late Friday and early Saturday to drink "sweet water" - ordinarily brackish water that was noticeably less salty than usual.

As the word spread through television reports, crowds swarmed temples in dozens of cities, just as millions did during a similar episode in 1995, when authorities were forced to deploy extra police to control crowds. Some parts of the country also faced a milk shortage.

At that time, a group of scientists visited a temple in New Delhi and fed a statue milk tinted with dye. The milk was quickly absorbed by the idol, and soon permeated the stone, leaving the statue coated by a colored, milky film.

Horus, Hawkish Egyptian God Found in Choco-No, Wait - They Say It's Virgin MaryOkie DokieBut It's Not

2006-08-20T02:28:00.000-04:00

A piece of chocolate, which some believe bears a resemblance to the Virgin Mary, is seen at Bodega Chocolates in Fountain Valley, Calif., Thursday, Aug 17, 2006. Workers at the luxury chocolate company discovered the 2-inch-tall column of chocolate drippings under one of their vats. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

Toilet Bowl of the Gods

2006-08-20T01:38:00.000-04:00

'Miracle' Creek Draws Thousands

from Observer

Thousands of Indians drank from a polluted Arabian Sea creek after claims that its water had miraculously turned sweet and could cure illnesses, police said yesterday.

About 5,000 people gathered at the creek in Mumbai overnight, many of them drinking the dirty water from their palms.

'Sweet seawater, this is a miracle. This water is divine,' Sheikh Naseer, a Mumbai man told a local TV news channel.

Children and adults bathed in the creek, which receives thousands of tonnes of sewage and industrial waste every day. Some scooped up seawater in bottles and plastic bags, saying they were going to share it with their families. 'There has been a mad rush to the creek. There is a dargah [Islamic mausoleum] nearby and people felt this is something divine,' said S Kumar, a police officer.

But police began stopping people from going to the creek yesterday after authorities warned drinking the polluted water was dangerous. Mumbai's civic officials said the water could have temporarily lost its salinity for several reasons, including pollution and inflow of freshwater from a nearby source.

'We have collected a sample of the water and sent it for testing,' a city official said.

Smack Smack Hmmm...Well, She Tastes Like Virgin

2006-08-19T06:25:00.000-04:00

Cruz Jacinto, an employee at Bodega Chocolates, holds a piece of chocolate believed to bear the likeness of the Virgin Mary in Fountain Valley, Calif. Thursday, Aug 17, 2006. Workers at the luxury chocolate company discovered a two-inch tall column of chocolate drippings under one of their vats that some think bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

Christianity Spawns Another Asshole

2006-08-13T21:09:00.000-04:00

Before Jesus (left): Sexy leading man. After Jesus (right), fat, obnoxious slob.

He's Perhaps a Smite Too Zealous

from Daily News

Actor Stephen Baldwin is the born-again, George Bush-loving Baldwin brother, but who knew he's also a fan of threesomes in the bedroom?

"I like to ask friends of mine, happy couples who seem to have a pretty good marriage, I will ask them, 'How's your sex life?'" Alec Baldwin's little brother writes in a new book excerpted in the upcoming Esquire mag. "They will say something like pretty good or okay or no complaints here. Here's what I tell them: Imagine taking a healthy sex life and inviting the power of God into that exchange."

Baldwin also seems to prefer a muscular — make that violent and aggressive — form of religion.

"I'd always imagined Jesus was the sweet, cuddly, loving dude, and suddenly I find out he makes Conan the Barbarian look like Conan the wimp," he says. "He didn't come with a guitar singing Kum Ba Yah. Jesus brought a sword to the earth, and he is still swinging it."

As for Baldwin himself, "God has called me to go and make disciples of the youth of America. That is what I am going to do. And if you try to stop me, I am going to break your face."

'Mr. Griffin, Welcome to Guatanamo Bay...'

2006-08-09T17:46:00.000-04:00

Presbyterians Gone Wild!

from Sploid

The Presbyterian Church's official publishing company has put the fear of God into Washington with the release of a shocking new book.

Christian Faith and the Truth behind 9/11, A Call to Reflection and Action is the new book by theologian David Ray Griffin.

Like his previous underground bestseller, "The New Pearl Harbor," Griffin's latest book explores the cover-ups and myths of September 11, 2001.

But this time, the retired professor of theology demands that Christians rise up and confront the evildoers just as Jesus and his followers fought the Roman Empire.

The Presbyterian Publishing Company says the book should energize Christians to fight the wicked ones who control the United States:

"Drawing a parallel between the Roman Empire of antiquity and
the American Empire of today, he applies Jesus' teachings to the current
political administration, and he explores how Christian churches, as a community
intending to be an incarnation of the divine, can and should respond."

Griffin says it took nearly two years for him to reach the conclusion that elements within the U.S. government orchestrated the "terrorist" attacks on New York and the Pentagon. According to the new book's preface, Griffin was originally working on a history of 9/11 and "blowback" - the theory that American imperial actions produce hatred for the United States as well as violence against Americans.

But some of his fellow professors were investigating a far more controversial theory - that the "terrorists" themselves could be found in Washington, not a cave in Afghanistan.

Griffin writes that he only began to reject the official 9/11 conspiracy after studying a disturbing timeline of 9/11 events compiled from newspapers, wire service articles and television news.

Darwin Is GoodDarwin Works(Example A)

2006-08-09T17:14:00.000-04:00

How Not To Open a Grenade...

+ + =

from Reuters

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil - A Brazilian man died Tuesday when he tried to open what police believe was a rocket-propelled grenade with a sledgehammer in a mechanical workshop on the outskirts of Rio de Janeiro.

Another man who was in the workshop at the time of the explosion was rushed to a hospital with severe burns, a police officer told Reuters. The workshop was destroyed and several cars parked outside caught fire.

Police found several unexploded army issue rocket-propelled grenades in the workshop. They believe the ammunition had been brought there by scavengers wanting to sell them as scrap metal, but they also are investigating a possible link to Rio's heavily armed drug gangs who often raid military bases.

If It Wasn't for All the Champagne Enemas, Madonna Could Give a Shit

2006-08-08T13:33:00.000-04:00

Russian Church Condemns Madonna

from Online.IE

The Russian Orthodox Church has lambasted Madonna's controversial 'crucifixion' stunt, urging Christians to boycott her upcoming Moscow show.

The establishment is the latest in a long line of religious groups to slam the Confessions tour stunt, which sees the singer descend to the stage on a diamante-studded cross, while wearing a crown of thorns. Her Rome performance last night has even prompted some Catholic leaders to call for her ex-communication.

Now the Russian church is adding its disapproval ahead of her September 11 show.

Spokesman Father Vsevolod Chaplin says: "This is not the first year that this lady has been mixing songs about human passion with Christian symbols - crosses, statues of the virgin, beads, and now it's self-crucifixion.

"This means the singer needs spiritual assistance."

Wah! Wah! Wah!Bitch! Moan! Whine!Eastern Religions Need To Stop Pissing Their Pants...I Know Girl Scouts with Thicker Skin

2006-08-08T13:00:00.000-04:00

Sacred Text on Clothes: Fashion Designer Booked

from Nerve WS

Police have registered a complaint against a Mumbai-based fashion designer and two shops for "hurting religious sentiments" by designing and selling clothes with sacred Hindu and Jain texts.

Two religious groups, the Rajnagar Jain Sangh and Bharatiya Dharmarakshak Sena, late Monday night lodged a complaint with the Navrangpura police station here against Designer Dipen Desai, his firm Veda and Mantra and the two city-based garments showrooms for "hurting religious sentiments," a police official told IANS.

On behalf of their organisations, Rashmin Shan and Abhay Shah complained that the printing of the Gayatri Mantra and Navkar Mantra on clothes was an insult to the Hindu and Jain religions.

Police have filed the complaint under Section 295(c) of the Indian Penal Code, relating to hurting religious sentiments.

Police said they were searching for the owners of the two showrooms here that were selling the contentious clothes.

Pat Finally Faces Facts: It's Not God's Wrath After All - It's Just 'Global Warming'Oopsy

2006-08-03T17:12:00.000-04:00

Heat Convinces Robertson of Global Warming

from Reuters

NEW YORK - Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson said Thursday the wave of scorching temperatures across the United States has converted him into a believer in global warming.

"We really need to address the burning of fossil fuels," Robertson said on his 700 Club broadcast. "It is getting hotter, and the icecaps are melting and there is a buildup of carbon dioxide in the air."

This week the heat index, the perceived temperature based on both air temperatures and humidity, reached 115 Fahrenheit in some regions of the East Coast. The 76-year-old Robertson told viewers that was "the most convincing evidence I’ve seen on global warming in a long time."

Last year, Robertson said natural disasters affecting the globe, including hurricanes Katrina and Rita that wrecked the U.S. Gulf Coast, might be signs that the biblical apocalypse was nearing.

The issue has divided conservative Christians.

In October, Robertson, a former Republican presidential candidate, said the National Association of Evangelicals was teaming up with "far left environmentalists" for saying global warming was caused by humans and needed to be mitigated.

Signers of that statement included California mega-church pastor Rick Warren, author of the bestselling The Purpose Driven Life.

In the late 1990s, Robertson paid at least $300,000 to investigate the revival of an oil refinery east of Los Angeles. The bid was unsuccessful.

Worshipping Radioactive Meteorites - How Quaint...Like Cavemen Might Do - Their Deities Must Be So Proud

2006-08-03T10:30:00.000-04:00

Indian Villagers Worship Rocks after Meteor Shower

from Steel Turman

Villagers in western India have reportedly begun worshipping rock fragments following a meteor shower.

Residents in Gujarat state's Kutch region have been hunting for meteorite fragments after streaks of light were seen over three heavily populated districts late Monday, the Times of India daily said.

Witnesses said they heard a big thud Monday night while others saw streaks of red and yellow light falling from the sky, according to the paper.

Some villagers believe meteorites are the rocks that Rama, hero of the Hindu epic Ramayana, used to build a bridge to rescue his kidnapped wife.

Others say the rock fragments have special powers.

"My son picked up one such stone and developed rashes on his hands. I believe these stones have been sent by God," Hansa Bai, a villager who lives in Jamnagar district, told the Times of India.

[Noun] Infuriates MuslimsGimme a Noun...Any Noun. They're All Correct. 'Toes'Perf-'No, Wait...South Park'Perfect!

2006-08-02T16:40:00.000-04:00

But how can blasphemy be so colorful and whimsically drawn?

South Park Episode Infuriates Bosnian Muslims

from Free Republic

Islamic groups in Bosnia are infuriated after local TV network OBN broadcast an episode of South Park which depicts the Muslim Prophet Mohammed. The episode in question portrays the Muslim prophet alongside Christianity's Jesus Christ, Hinduism's Krishna, and Buddhism's Buddha.

Enes Ljevakovic, head of the Bosnian Islamic Council, says, "The broadcast (of the cartoon) is unacceptable and we condemn it and consider it to be a kind of provocation.

"According to Islamic tradition, the presentation of Prophet Mohammed or any other prophet is unacceptable, even if their presentation is not sarcastic but in positive light.

"The cartoon was even censored in the United States and that is what the local Bosnian television station should have done as well."

Nearly 40 per cent of Bosnia's 3.8 million population are Muslims.

Creationist Calls Evolution 'Age-Old Fairy Tale'?!? That Bitch Got Some BallsNo Job, Big Balls

2006-08-02T14:21:00.000-04:00

'What in tarnation?'

Evolution Opponents Lose in Kan. Primary

from The Associated Press

TOPEKA, Kan. - Conservative Republicans who pushed anti-evolution standards back into Kansas schools last year have lost control of the state Board of Education once again.

The most closely watched race was in western Kansas, where incumbent conservative Connie Morris lost her GOP primary Tuesday. The former teacher had described evolution as "an age-old fairy tale" and "a nice bedtime story" unsupported by science.

As a result of Tuesday's vote, board members and candidates who believe evolution is well-supported by evidence will have a 6-4 majority. Evolution skeptics had entered the election with a 6-4 majority.

Critics of Kansas' science standards worried that if conservatives retained the board's majority, it would lead to attempts in other states to copy the Kansas standards.

"There are people around the country who would like to see the Kansas standards in their own states," said Eugenie Scott, director of the National Center for Science Education in Oakland, Calif., which supports the teaching of evolution.

Control of the school board has slipped into, out of and back into conservative Republicans' hands since 1998, resulting in anti-evolution standards in 1999, evolution-friendly ones in 2001 and anti-evolution ones again last year.

Late-night comedians have been making cracks about Kansas, portraying it as backward and ignorant. Comedy Central's The Daily Show broadcast a four-part series titled, "Evolution Schmevolution."

The school board contest was part of a larger effort by the intelligent design movement to introduce its ideas in public schools.

A suburban Atlanta school district is locked in a legal dispute over its putting stickers in 35,000 biology textbooks declaring evolution "a theory, not a fact."

Last year, in Dover, Pa., voters ousted school board members who had required the biology curriculum to include mention of intelligent design. A federal judge struck down the policy, declaring intelligent design is religion in disguise.

A poll by six news organizations last year suggested about half of Kansans thought evolution should be taught alongside intelligent design.

Proponents of Kansas' latest standards contend they encourage open discussion.

"Students need to have an accurate assessment of the state of the facts in regard to Darwin's theory," said John West, a vice president for the Center for Science and Culture at the Seattle-based, anti-evolution Discovery Institute.

The standards say that the evolutionary theory that all life had a common origin has been challenged by fossils and molecular biology. And they say there is controversy over whether changes over time in one species can lead to a new species.

Who Needs Stupid Old Science When You Have Magic? Magic Can Explain Anything!Dinosaurs? Magic! Fossils? Magic! Adam? Magic!

2006-08-01T12:58:00.000-04:00

Like I wouldn't eat Eve in a heartbeat. I have the brain the size of a peanut and I'm dead but even I know better. Niggapleez!

Museum Tells Earth's History with Bible

from The Associated Press

PETERSBURG, Ky. - Like most natural history museums, this one has exhibits showing dinosaurs roaming the Earth. Except here, the giant reptiles share the forest with Adam and Eve.

That, of course, is contradicted by science, but that's the point of the $25 million Creation Museum rising fast in rural Kentucky.

Its inspiration is the Bible - the literal interpretation that contends God created the heavens and the Earth and everything in them just a few thousand years ago.

"If the Bible is the word of God, and its history really is true, that's our presupposition or axiom, and we are starting there," museum founder Ken Ham said during recent tour of the sleek and modern facility, which is due to open next year.

Ham, an Australian native who started the Christian publishing company Answers in Genesis in the late 1970s, said the goal of his privately funded museum is to change minds and rebut the scientific point of view.

"We're going to show you that we can make sense of the different people groups, we can make sense of fossils, we can make sense of what you see in the world," he said.

Visitors to the museum, a few miles from Cincinnati, will be able to watch the story of creation unfold in a 180-seat special-effects theater, see a 40-foot-tall recreation of a section of Noah's Ark and stare into the jaws of robotic dinosaurs.

"It's education, but it's also doing it in an entertaining way," Ham said.

Scientists say fossils and sophisticated nuclear dating technology show that the Earth is more than 4 billion years old, the first dinosaurs appeared around 200 million years ago, and they died out well before the first human ancestors arose a few million years ago.

"Genesis is not science," said Mary Dawson, curator emeritus of vertebrate paleontology at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History in Pittsburgh. "Genesis is a tale that was handed down for generations by people who really knew nothing about science, who knew nothing about natural history, and certainly knew nothing about what fossils were."

Ham said he believes most fossils are the result of the Great Flood described in Genesis.

Mark Looy, a vice president at Answers in Genesis, said the museum has received at least $21 million in private donations. He said two anonymous donors have given $1 million, and he expects the museum to be debt-free when it opens next May.

John Morris, president of the Institute for Creation Research in San Diego, an organization that promotes creationism, said the museum will affirm the doubts many people have about science, namely the notion that man evolved from lower forms of life.

"Americans just aren't gullible enough to believe that they came from a fish," he said.

Religion: The Acne of Democracy...And God Throws the Dart: 'Stafford?! Where the Hell? Very Well. Hilarious!'

2006-08-01T12:45:00.000-04:00

God Squeezing the Life Out of Texas Town

from Sploid

The last brick left in "the wall of separation between church and state" that religious nuts care about is the exemption from taxation for churches. Now a small town in Texas is being beaten to death with that brick.

Leonard Scarcella is the mayor of Stafford, Texas, just outside of Houston. He is desperate for the sweet relief of secular commerce.

"Our city has an excessive number of churches," he sighs.

Somehow Stafford has managed to stuff 51 religious institutions into only 7 square miles. Now they are left with only 300 more acres to develop some sort of a tax base.

"With federal laws, you can't just say, 'We're not going to have any more churches,'" Scarcella said. "We respect the Constitution, but 51 of anything is too much."

Making matters worse for the town's budgeting is the absence of a property tax.

"It's thrown everything out of balance, plus providing zero revenue. Somebody's got to pay for police, fire and schools," City Councilman Cecil Willis said.

With the exception of Jews, you can find nearly every manner of worshipper in Stafford. Buddhists, Muslims, Chinese Baptists, Filipino Baptists, Spanish-speaking Baptists, and "every other variety of Christian you can imagine" call Stafford home says Scarcella.

What's more puzzling is that these houses of the holy aren't even serving the people of Stafford; most worshippers are coming from surrounding towns.

Willis has started asking applicants "Why Stafford?"

"Every one of them said they prayed about it, and God said to come here," he said. "I can't compete with that, so here we are."

What Has a Billion Screaming Heads & Too Much Time on Its Bloody Hands? (Hint: Rhymes with 'Pisslam')

2006-08-01T12:36:00.000-04:00

Enemy of Islam

from Sploid

The latest target of the Islamic religious fanatics who now control the streets of Baghdad - thanks America! - is the humble falafel sandwich.

Roving thugs who fancy themselves Islamic judges are "Talibinizing" the wrecked city, handing out their own edicts and murdering anyone who disagrees.

Targeting the usual vices - such as women walking in public or any sort of newsstand or DVD vendor who offers something racy - apparently wasn't enough for the Sunni toughs. So they went after the hardworking street vendors who offer cheap and tasty food to a hungry, doomed city.

In a sick parody of the American health police, the tough guys are even imposing their own smoking bans on various restaurants. Instead of a fine, those who violate the smoking ban are slaughtered.

Falafel vendors first thought the fanatics were kidding about the falafel ban. But then two people who run falafel stands were shot dead in the street.

"They came telling us, 'You have 14 days to end this job,' and I asked them what was the problem," falafel man Abu Zeinab told England's Daily Telegraph.

"I said I was just feeding the people, but they said there were no falafels in Muhammad the prophet's time, so we shouldn't have them either. I felt like telling them there were no Kalashnikovs in Muhammad's time either, but I wanted to keep my life."

There were no pizzas and cola drinks in Muhammad's time, either, but merchants selling those Western treats have yet to be targeted by Iraq's brutal street-gang version of the Taliban.

Some suspect it's about Israel, because it's always about Israel. Falafel stands are wildly popular in the Jewish state - as they are in every Mediterranean, North African and Middle Eastern nation, as well as pretty much any big city in the world these days.

But it's a political issue because Israelis claim the falafel as a national food. Palestinians say European Jews stole the tasty dish from local Arabs when those Jews first began resettling the Holy Land a century ago.

In fact, falafel is an ancient Egyptian food, predating both the Islamic religion and the founding of Israel.

Made originally from crushed and fried fava beans, most of today's falafel is made from chickpeas prepared in the same way. Stuffed in pita bread and topped with vegetables and sauces, the falafel is a cheap and healthy fast food.

But even though it has been a staple in the Middle East for thousands of years, it is no longer safe on the streets of the blood-soaked hellscape of Baghdad.

The United States military brought peace, prosperity and democracy to Iraq in 2003.

Sugar-Coated Mail-Order Blessings?! And E-Poojas Sound Yummy! Gosh, Hinduism's So Cool & Silly! Get with the Program, 'Jesus' (Loser)

2006-08-01T12:28:00.000-04:00

Hindu Goddess Now Distributes Her Blessings Online

from Boing Boing

Scott Carney, an American expat tech journalist living in Chennai, India, tells BoingBoing,

"One of the most important temples in South India has decided on a new plan to market its religious services.

"Starting some time in the next few weeks the Meenakshi Temple in Madurai will begin offering E-poojas for people who can't make it to the temple for pilgrimage. How's that for mixing religion and technology?"

Link to Scott's blog post, in which he adds: "For an additional fee prasadam, eatable sugar coated blessings, can be mailed anywhere in the globe."

Fucking Jews, Sugar Tits & Drunken Violence...Another Day in the Life of Super-Catholic Mel Gibson

2006-07-30T15:19:00.000-04:00

Gibson's Anti-Semitic Tirade - Alleged Cover Up

from TMZ

TMZ has learned that Mel Gibson went on a rampage when he was arrested Friday on suspicion of drunk driving, hurling religious epithets. TMZ has also learned that the Los Angeles County Sheriff's department had the initial report doctored to keep the real story under wraps.

TMZ has four pages of the original report prepared by the arresting officer in the case, L.A. County Sheriff's Deputy James Mee. According to the report, Gibson became agitated after he was stopped on Pacific Coast Highway and told he was to be detained for drunk driving Friday morning in Malibu. The actor began swearing uncontrollably. Gibson repeatedly said, "My life is fucked." Law enforcement sources say the deputy, worried that Gibson might become violent, told the actor that he was supposed to cuff him but would not, as long as Gibson cooperated. As the two stood next to the hood of the patrol car, the deputy asked Gibson to get inside. Deputy Mee then walked over to the passenger door and opened it. The report says Gibson then said, "I'm not going to get in your car," and bolted to his car. The deputy quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car.

TMZ has learned that Deputy Mee audiotaped the entire exchange between himself and Gibson, from the time of the traffic stop to the time Gibson was put in the patrol car, and that the tape fully corroborates the written report.

Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother fucker. I'm going to fuck you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me."

The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "Fucking Jews...The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"

The deputy became alarmed as Gibson's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

We're told Gibson took two blood alcohol tests, which were videotaped, and continued saying how "fucked" he was and how he was going to "fuck" Deputy Mee.

Gibson was put in a cell with handcuffs on. He said he needed to urinate, and after a few minutes tried manipulating his hands to unzip his pants. Sources say Deputy Mee thought Gibson was going to urinate on the floor of the booking cell and asked someone to take Gibson to the bathroom.

After leaving the bathroom, Gibson then demanded to make a phone call. He was taken to a pay phone and, when he didn't get a dial tone, we're told Gibson threw the receiver against the phone. Deputy Mee then warned Gibson that if he damaged the phone he could be charged with felony vandalism. We're told Gibson was then asked, and refused, to sign the necessary paperwork and was thrown in a detox cell.

Deputy Mee then wrote an eight-page report detailing Gibson's rampage and comments. Sources say the sergeant on duty felt it was too "inflammatory." A lieutenant and captain then got involved and calls were made to Sheriff's headquarters. Sources say Mee was told Gibson's comments would incite a lot of "Jewish hatred," that the situation in Israel was "way too inflammatory." It was mentioned several times that Gibson, who wrote, directed, and produced 2004's The Passion of the Christ, had incited "anti-Jewish sentiment" and "For a drunk driving arrest, is this really worth all that?"

We're told Deputy Mee was then ordered to write another report, leaving out the incendiary comments and conduct. Sources say Deputy Mee was told the sanitized report would eventually end up in the media and that he could write a supplemental report that contained the redacted information - a report that would be locked in the watch commander's safe.

Initially, a Sheriff's official told TMZ the arrest occurred "without incident." On Friday night, Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore told TMZ: "The L.A. County Sheriff's Department investigation into the arrest of Mr. Gibson on suspicion of driving under the influence will be complete and will contain every factual piece of evidence. Nothing will be sanitized. There was absolutely no favoritism shown to this suspect or any other. When this file is presented to the Los Angeles County District Attorney, it will contain everything. Nothing will be left out."

On Saturday, Gibson released the following statement:

"After drinking alcohol on Thursday night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car when I should not have, and was stopped by the LA County Sheriffs. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said. Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health."

Mine Prefers Mormon

2006-07-28T22:56:00.000-04:00

Woman in Doghouse over Jehovah's Witness Sign

from Reuters

LONDON - A British woman has been ordered by police to take down a sign on her garden gate which read "Our dogs are fed on Jehovah's Witnesses."

Janet Grove, who owns a terrier puppy called Rabbit, insisted the sign was a gentle joke to discourage callers at her front door.

Her late husband put the sign up more than 30 years ago when members of the church called at their house on Christmas Day.

But police were forced to act after receiving a complaint.

"We were informed by a member of the public who found the sign to be distressing, offensive and inappropriate," a police spokesman said. "Officers attended the address and the sign was voluntarily taken down."

'......Bending Mary Over the Counter, Jesus Whipped Out His 10-Inch Throbbing King of Coc...'

2006-07-28T22:32:00.000-04:00

Radio Format Changes from Religion to Sex

from The Associated Press

KINGSBURG, Calif. - KFYE-FM hasn't budged from the Fresno-area dial, but it's about as far as you can get from the Christian music, sermons and Bible stories it was broadcasting until about a week ago.

Now it calls itself "Porn Radio" — "all sex radio, all the time," with a suggestion that people under 21 not listen.

Songs with little in common except suggestive titles and lyrics fill the playlist, including "Why Don't We Do It in the Road" by The Beatles, "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye and "Nasty" by Janet Jackson. Tamer songs are heated up by adding recorded moans and groans.

The change, made after the station was sold this month, was met with several non-sexual groans from some residents.

"It would appear this is another of those promotions that are simply designed to create controversy," longtime Fresno radio personality Ed Beckman told The Fresno Bee. "This format belongs on Sirius or XM, not on over-the-air."

The station tries not to cross the line, said owner Jerry Clifton.

The End is Nigh! But First, Here's Johnny with Sports...

2006-07-28T18:35:00.000-04:00

CNN or CBN? Phillips Asks Apocalypse Authors: '[A]re We Living in the Last Days?'

from Media Matters for America via Cay (thanks for the link)

For the second time in three days, CNN featured a segment on the potential coming of the Apocalypse, as indicated by current conflicts in the Middle East. The July 26 edition of CNN's Live From... featured a nine-minute segment in which anchor Kyra Phillips discussed the Apocalypse and the Middle East with Christian authors Jerry Jenkins and Joel C. Rosenberg - who share the view that the Rapture is nigh. At one point in the discussion, Phillips asked Rosenberg whether she needed "to start taking care of unfinished business and telling people that I love them and I'm sorry for all the evil things I've done," to which Rosenberg replied: "Well, that would be a good start." Throughout the segment, the onscreen text read: "Apocalypse Now?"

As Media Matters for America documented, the July 24 edition of CNN's Paula Zahn Now featured a segment examining what "the Book of Revelation tell[s] us about what's happening right now in the Middle East." CNN re-aired this segment the next day. Media Matters also noted that Rosenberg is just one of several conservative media figures who have identified and expounded upon the purported signs of the Apocalypse to be found in the Israel-Hezbollah conflict. During his appearance on Live From..., Rosenberg claimed that he had been invited to the White House, Capitol Hill, and the CIA to discuss the Rapture and the Middle East, and noted - several times - that the apocalyptic events described in his novels keep coming true.

Jenkins is co-author, with conservative activist Tim LaHaye, of the Left Behind series of books, which uses the Book of Revelation as a "framework" to tell a story of the End Times. According to a January 28, 2004, Rolling Stone article, LaHaye "prodded the Rev. Jerry Falwell to found the Moral Majority" and co-founded the Council for National Policy, "a secretive group of wealthy donors that has funneled billions of dollars to right-wing Christian activists." LaHaye's wife, Beverly LaHaye, founded the conservative group Concerned Women for America.

From the July 26 edition of CNN's Live From ...:

PHILLIPS: So dig this. A man was bulldozing a bog in central Ireland the other day when he noticed something unusual in the freshly turned soil. Turns out he'd unearthed an early medieval treasure: an ancient book of Psalms that experts date to the years 800 to 1000. Experts say it will take years of painstaking work to document and preserve this book, but eventually it will go on public display.

Now here's the kicker. The book, about 20 pages of Latin script, was allegedly found opened to Psalm 83. Now, if you're a scholar, as you know, Psalm 83: "God hears complaints that other nations are plotting to wipe out the name of Israel." Well, that's precisely the kind of news nugget that would get the attention of my next guests -- a seemingly random event with an eerie coincidence to reality. Jerry Jenkins is in New York. Now, along with Tim LaHaye, he co-authored the widely popular Left Behind series -- only 63 million books sold, by the way. Also joining me, Joel Rosenberg in Washington. He's the author of The Copper Scroll [Tyndale House, August 2006], the latest of several apocalyptic novels. So, gentlemen, from books, to blogs, to the back pews, the buzz is all about the End Times. What do you think of the Book of Psalms? Is this going to be the next thing that both of you will write about?

ROSENBERG: Jerry, go ahead.

PHILLIPS: I'm getting smiles from both. All right, Jerry, will this be your next book?

JENKINS: Well, it's an amazing news story, I hadn't heard it-

PHILLIPS: Really? OK, this is news to you, then.

JENKINS: Yeah. In some ways, it's not terribly surprising. I mean, I think God finds ways of communicating with us, and he does that through his Word. That's an incredible story, and it will probably have to be written in fiction form because people are going to find it hard to believe.

PHILLIPS: Well, Jerry, you've sold 60 million - 63 million-plus books about the End Times. Why do you think they have been so successful, and why did you go that route? Why did you want to write about it?

JENKINS: Well, the idea for fiction about the End Times was really Dr. LaHaye's. He's a prophecy scholar and theologian. He's been studying this stuff longer than I've been alive. But he just had the idea that after writing several nonfiction books about the subject, that if we could put it in fiction format, more people would find it accessible and understandable. And that's proven true. And because of the end of the millennium and because of 9-11 and because of what's happening in the Middle East right now, people are scared to death about the future, and I think they hear about books that are based on the prophecies of Scripture, and it just intrigues them and it makes them want to find out what we think.

PHILLIPS: So, Joel, are we living in the last days? I mean, let's talk about the specific signs to watch. You've written about them. What does the Bible say, and are we there?

ROSENBERG: Well, people are very interested, I agree. Tim and Jerry's books deal with the Rapture, the disappearance of the church, and the events going forward in Revelation. My theories - The Ezekiel Option, The Copper Scroll - are about events that could lead up to the Rapture and the return of Christ. Yeah, people are interested because the rebirth of Israel, the fact that Jews are living in the Holy Land today, that is a Bible prophecy. When Iran, Libya, Syria, Lebanon, Russia, they begin to form an alliance against Israel, those are the prophecies from Ezekiel 38 and 39. I've been - that's what I'm basing my novels on.

I've been invited to the White House, Capitol Hill. Members of Congress, Israelis, Arab leaders all want to understand the Middle East through the lens of biblical prophecies. I'm writing these novels that keep seeming to come true. But we're seeing Bible prophecy, bit by bit, unfold in the Middle East right now.

PHILLIPS: And you talk about epic battles for Jerusalem - the biblical prophecy. Get specific with us. Tell us what's happening now that totally correlates with what you've written about biblically.

ROSENBERG: Well that's right. Ezekiel 36 and 37, those are chapters in the Bible, the Old Testament, about the rebirth of the state of Israel and Jerusalem coming back under Jewish control. We've seen those prophecies happen. Ezekiel 38 and 39, what my novel The Ezekiel Option is about, is an alliance of Islamic countries to destroy Israel and liberate Jerusalem. Are we seeing that come true yet? That's the big question. Then, Ezekiel 40 through 48, that's the rebirth of the Jewish temple, the rebuilding of it, in Jerusalem. Now, you know, if that happens in our lifetime, that alone could unleash the wrath of a billion Muslims worldwide. That's what The Copper Scroll is about - hunting for treasures, hunting for ancient documents, and the series of events that unfold that would lead to the Jewish temple and an apocalyptic war in the Middle East.

PHILLIPS: All right now, Jerry, you know, there are a number of people, I'm sure, that would sit back and go, "You know what, that Jerry and that Joel, they are crazy. How can you take this book that was written more than a thousand years ago - these are just stories. You can't relate it to what's happening right now." What do you say to those critics?

JENKINS: Well, I think that's the uniqueness of how we treat the Scripture. So many people try to interpret Revelation symbolically or figuratively, and they can interpret it a couple of hundred different ways. Dr. LaHaye's view has always been let's take what we can - literally, what we can take literally, and tell it as if John the Revelator meant what he said. When he said, "I looked and I saw," unless he's making some comparison, let's just tell it as a literal story. It's really made it come to life for people and open it up and make it understandable. It has for me as a writer. And all the prophecies of the Old Testament about the coming of Christ as a baby were fulfilled literally, so we're saying: What if all the prophecies of the New Testament about Jesus coming back and Rapture and his church are also literal? We should treat those that way and just see what it looks like.

PHILLIPS: Joel, you also write about the Prophet Zechariah, and if remember right, let's see, I think it was [chapter] 12, right? Twelve, [verses] 1 to 3.

ROSENBERG: That's right.

PHILLIPS: Make the correlation for our viewers.

ROSENBERG: Well, this is - this is about - this is the prophecy that says that God is going to cause the nations of the world - the leaders of the nation almost get drunk with the dream of recapturing Jerusalem. Now, the Bible says that Jerusalem will come back under Jewish control in the last days. That'll be one of the indicators. Well, that's where we are today. But, what are we watching? Saddam Hussein or Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Hezbollah leader [Hassan] Nasrallah, they're all drunk with the dream of capturing Jerusalem. That's what The Copper Scroll novel is about, which is this battle, this intense battle to liquidate the Jewish people and liberate Jerusalem. I mean, are we seeing that happen? It's hard not to say that we are. I mean, that's why I've gotten invited over to the CIA and the White House and Capitol Hill, because people - it's not that they necessarily believe the prophecies, but they want to understand the prophecies in the Bible in light of what's going on right now.

PHILLIPS: Do you think they're taking what you're saying and incorporating it into foreign policy?

ROSENBERG: I wouldn't go that far. But I would say -- I would say that Bible prophecy is an intercept from the mind of God. It's actually fairly remarkable intelligence, and that's why my novels keep coming true, because mine are on this side of the Rapture, leading up to Jerry and Tim's books, but they suggest events that the Bible does lay out that will get us closer to those events. And, in fact, one by one in The Last Jihad, my book The Last Days, The Ezekiel Option, and now The Copper Scroll, have this feeling of coming true. I think that's why a million copies have sold. They're New York Times best-sellers, because they're based on Bible prophecy, and they are coming true bit by bit, day by day.

PHILLIPS: Jerry, what do you think about what Joel wrote, about watching the Russian-Iranian alliance seeking to wipe out Israel?

JENKINS: Well, I find it very fascinating, and of course, Joel is a real geopolitical watcher. You know, compared to him, I'm just a novelist. But as he said, we're talking - you know, Dr. LaHaye and I are writing about things that are yet to come in the far future. But one of our takes is that nothing else has to happen before Jesus returns. He could do it at any time. And regardless who's in charge or what the state of the temple is, we feel all the prophecies have been fulfilled leading up to the return of Christ, which means it could be today, tomorrow, next week, or a hundred years from now. I'm fascinated by all the stuff that Joel is watching and seeing and just love hearing him talk about it.

PHILLIPS: Joel, do I need to start taking care of unfinished business and telling people that I love them and I'm sorry for all the evil things I've done?

ROSENBERG: Well, I think that would be a good start. I mean, Jesus loves the people of the Middle East. Matthew 15 - Jesus was in southern Lebanon. Why? Telling the people of Lebanon that he loved them, that God loved them. What's interesting is I was just at the Iraqi prime minister's speech today. You know, the Bible taught in Jewish theology and Christian that Iraq will be reborn as a country and be phenomenally peaceful and prosperous, and then a huge dictator known as the Antichrist will arise. Watching this speech today in the House of Representatives, the first speech by an Iraqi prime minister to a joint session of Congress, bit by bit we're watching Revelation and the other prophecies get closer and closer to fulfillment.

PHILLIPS: Joel Rosenberg and Jerry Jenkins, you both scare me, but you both fascinate me. Gentlemen, thank you so much. I appreciate it.

In Logan's Run, They Kill the Old People...I'm Just Sayin'

2006-07-28T18:14:00.000-04:00

Too Many Old Nuns!

from Sploid

The Catholic Church is facing a crisis not unlike the one threatening America's Social Security system: too many old folks. With more than half of nuns over age 70, the annual cost of caring for all these women will soon top $1 billion annually.

With tons of nuns approaching the retirement age of 75 and too few novices - young nuns - to support them, the future liabilities outstrip the funds available by $8.7 billion. That number is expected to reach $20 billion by 2023.

Things could've been a lot worse if the idea of squirreling oneself away in a nunnery hadn't fallen out of fashion. From 1965 to 2005, the nun population plummeted nearly 62%, from 179,954 to 68,634.

Making the problem even more dire is all the money the Church has spent covering up and atoning for the monstrous sexual appetites of their priests. Since 1950, the Church has doled out more than $1 billion to the victims of sexual abuse.

Just outside of Cincinnati, some are trying to lessen the sting of retired nun-dom the only way they know how: with ice cream. Dave and Ramona Banks recently hopped in their Mister Softee ice cream truck to visit the Sisters of the Good Shepherd's Pelletier Hall in Fort Thomas, Ohio, home to 18 retired nuns.

"You can see the kid in everyone's face," Ramona Banks said.

After spending their lives married to God, a visit from the ice cream man is as close to the satisfying rush of sex or drugs as these women - in their 80s and 90s - can hope to get.

"The thrill of it is they are able to choose" what flavor ice cream they eat, Sister M. Elise said.

Other nuns aren't so lucky. Instead of visits from the ice cream man, they get visits from Dr. David Snowdon. Twenty years ago Snowdon launched his infamous "Nun Study." He's been tracking the effects of aging on more than 700 nuns, trying to find clues to the mysteries of Alzheimer's disease.

Even after their deaths, Snowdon continues to study the nuns.

"When we die our souls go to heaven, but our brains go to Kentucky," joke those who have agreed to serve as Snowdon's lab rats.

It's in Kentucky where Snowdon has amassed the world's largest collection of nun brains, more than 500.

Sadly, brain freeze and frozen brains won't be enough to care for the nuns unlucky enough to live into geriatric poverty.

The Example of Fairness & Equality Being Exhibited by Representing Them at All Is, Of Course, Completely Lost of Them

2006-07-25T00:44:00.000-04:00

ACLU Sues for Anti-Gay Group That Pickets at Troops' Burials

from The Associated Press

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - A Kansas church group that protests at military funerals nationwide filed suit in federal court, saying a Missouri law banning such picketing infringes on religious freedom and free speech.

The American Civil Liberties Union filed the lawsuit Friday in the U.S. District Court in Jefferson City, Mo., on behalf of the fundamentalist Westboro Baptist Church, which has outraged mourning communities by picketing service members' funerals with signs condemning homosexuality.

The church and the Rev. Fred Phelps say God is allowing troops, coal miners and others to be killed because the United States tolerates gay men and lesbians.

Missouri lawmakers were spurred to action after members of the church protested in St. Joseph, Mo., last August at the funeral of Army Spec. Edward L. Myers.

The law bans picketing and protests "in front of or about" any location where a funeral is held, from an hour before it begins until an hour after it ends. Offenders can face fines and jail time.

A number of other state laws and a federal law, signed in May by President Bush, bar such protests within a certain distance of a cemetery or funeral.

In the lawsuit, the ACLU says the Missouri law tries to limit protesters' free speech based on the content of their message. It is asking the court to declare the ban unconstitutional and to issue an injunction to keep it from being enforced, which would allow the group to resume picketing.

"I told the nation, as each state went after these laws, that if the day came that they got in our way, that we would sue them," said Phelps's daughter Shirley L. Phelps-Roper, a spokeswoman for the church in Topeka, Kan. "At this hour, the wrath of God is pouring out on this country."

Scott Holste, a spokesman for Missouri Attorney General Jay Nixon, said, "We're not going to acquiesce to anything that they're asking for in this lawsuit."

The suit names Nixon, Gov. Matt Blunt (R) and others as defendants.

What If......Cagney & Lacey Were Virgins?

2006-07-25T00:27:00.000-04:00

Dutch Nuns on Bikes Chase Suspected Thief

from The Associated Press

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Two Dutch nuns, wearing habits and riding bikes, chased a suspected thief through Amsterdam, police said Monday.

On Saturday evening, one of the sisters believed she recognized a man walking past their chapel in southern Amsterdam as a thief who snatched hundreds of dollars in cash from the building two weeks earlier, Amsterdam police spokesman Rob van der Veen said.

She invited him inside for a drink and asked a fellow nun to alert police.

The man, apparently suspecting what was happening, fled the building and snatched a bicycle from a passer-by.

"The nuns then grabbed their bikes and gave chase. They tried to grab him, but he managed to escape into a residential neighborhood and they lost him," Van der Veen said. Police hunted for the man in the neighborhood but could not find him.

But Now My Car Smells Like Nazi!

2006-07-25T00:22:00.000-04:00

Jesus, the Other White MeatvsUnconsciousness, the Other Near-Death

2006-07-23T23:43:00.000-04:00

Yellow-Haired Jesus Saves!

from Sploid

A little boy in the Philippines has come back from the dead after 17 hours, thanks to a blond and bearded Jesus who saved him.

In early June, ten-year-old Dante "Jun-Jun" Cardel Jr. started inexplicably vomiting blood. By late June, doctors had diagnosed a fatal and inoperable brain tumor.

His parents were devastated.

On June 21, Jun-Jun succumbed following his brief but valiant battle with cancer. Doctors removed his life-support system and pronounced him dead. His weeping parents brought the body home, cradling him on their laps as they made the long journey from the Philippine General Hospital in Manila to their home in Puro.

There they were greeted by a crowd of neighbors who had set up tents, tables, and chairs for Jun-Jun's wake. To their collective surprise, Jun-Jun sat bolt upright around 8 a.m. and asked for food.

He later told The Manila Times about his brief visit to the afterlife.

"I was in my father's arms when I saw Jesus Christ with a beard and long blond hair. He told me to wake up. There were two birds beside him, one black and the other white, flying around jackfruit trees. Jesus looked at me and touched my eyes. When I woke up I looked up at the sky, but I didn't see him again," he said.

According to another source, the boy saw a church with beautiful singing angels and the aforementioned golden-haired Jesus.

If nothing else, this amazing miracle at least clears up the age-old question about the color and length of the hair of the Christian savior.

Q: How Many Amish Does It Take To Screw in a Lightbulb?A: How Many You Got?

2006-07-23T16:11:00.000-04:00

Yeah, that's totally not in the Bible.

Sex Is on Everyone's Mind at Swinging Convention

from Reuters

LAS VEGAS - Vera Rhodes has come a long way from her conservative upbringing in Pennsylvania's Amish community.

There she was a virgin until she married at age 30. Now, she is an enthusiastic 54-year-old member of the millions-strong "swinging" community who speaks openly of her encounters with multiple sexual partners.

"Last night it was really special," said Rhodes, who is divorced and makes a living giving massages in the Midwestern state of Iowa. "There was a couple from Mexico, a couple from Virginia and a couple from Ireland, from Australia."

"I like to participate in life as much as possible," she said with a broad smile.

Rhodes was among some 3,000 people gathered on Saturday at the Stardust Hotel in Las Vegas for the annual Lifestyles conference, a five-day, $700-per-couple event that offers a mix of seminars, socializing and sex.

Early on Saturday, Rhodes was back for more, joining the action in a suite where more than a dozen couples were having sex.

The conference organizer, Robert McGinley, 72, president of The Lifestyles Organization, estimates that there are 3 million swingers in the United States alone. He founded his group in 1969 and began holding the annual conferences in the 1970s.

He said his firm brings in millions of dollars in annual sales from organizing tours to swinger-friendly resorts, Internet sites and from conferences. The Las Vegas event is the largest annual U.S. swinging event, he said.

"The lifestyles community is rapidly expanding," he said. "It's an expanding economic powerhouse."

The crowd at the Stardust appeared mostly middle-aged and middle-class. And many were nowhere near as active as Rhodes. Organizers estimated that perhaps 40 percent of the couples were attending their first conference.

"I'm still thinking about it; we've been monogamous for 26 years," said one middle-aged newcomer from Palm Springs, California, who said she was raised a Roman Catholic.

At one seminar, several women were overcome as the presenter demonstrated a sexual device - one passed out in the packed room.

For all their enthusiasm, few of the swingers tell family and friends about their hobby.

"Socially, we're pariahs," said Drew Alexander, 40, who attended with this wife Tina, 38. "We're behaving in a way that's completely against the ingrained Catholic values."

Another couple did not want their names printed but were far from shy. They made love early on Saturday in the hospitality suites where couples wandered from room to room to watch the action at close range. They emerged from their experience beaming, saying seeing others sparked more passion.

One attendee who stayed completely on the sidelines was the man behind the event.

"I've never been a big swinger, that's not the point," McGinley said. "What I would like to do is bring a new understanding of sexuality in our lives and our relationships."

Holy Shiite! Muslims Burn Stuff...Just Cuz

2006-07-23T16:07:00.000-04:00

Pakistanis Burn Down Pizza Hut After Funeral

from Exploding Cigar

Hundreds of youths in Pakistan burned down a local Pizza Hut, set fire to dozens of cars and two gas stations Saturday after a funeral for a slain Islamic Shiite cleric. The cleric was killed by a suicide bomber in an apparent attempt to inflame tensions between Shiites and Sunnis. Police responded with teargas, batons, and gunshots fired in the air.

Blood! Death! Jesus!

2006-07-22T21:02:00.000-04:00

Lovin' That Bloodshed

from Sploid

Apocalyptic Christians are thrilled over the horrific bloodshed in Lebanon.

That's because they're hoping the End of the World is finally at hand -- and only some 1,950 years after Jesus reportedly promised it would happen.

Christians have been depressed for two millennia over their savior's lies. But instead of giving up, they just keep looking for signs of the apocalypse Christ swore would occur during the lifetimes of his original disciples.

Harper's Magazine has been collecting some of the happy comments from the "Rapture Ready" website this week, where the mood is joyous:

"Praise God! We are chosen to be in these times and also watch and spread the word," one bloodthirsty Christian wrote. "Something inside me is exploding to get out, and I don't know what it is. Its kind of like I want to do cartwheels around the neighborhood."

Watching the massacre of innocent Lebanese on television, another one of Jesus' followers wrote, "Got that dancing feeling on the inside of me."

Christians believe Jesus will eventually make good on his promise, and they pay special attention to a crazy book in the New Testament called "The Revelation" or "The Apocalypse of St. John." In that psychedelic rant, the anonymous author claims all sorts of horrible things will happen.

Myriad multi-faced monsters will come out of the sky and kill people, for one thing, while some huge war is supposed to take place at Armageddon, a nonexistent place in Palestine that is only mentioned in the Greek text of Revelation.

But for Christians who pray every day for the destruction of Earth and the brutal torture of the billions of people who don't follow their religion, the best part is when Jesus will magically suck all of the Christians from the Earth - right out of their clothes.

The awful image of millions of fat, naked Christians being hoovered into the sky may be disgusting to most people, but to the "Rapture Ready" crowd there is nothing more orgasmic.

The English term rapture comes from the Latin word for rape; Christians hoping for the Rapture are literally begging to be raped by Jesus. Sadly for those Christians, neither the word "rapture" nor the concept actually appears anywhere in the Bible.

The controversial Book of Revelation has long been attacked by important Christians such as Martin Luther, who wrote that "Christ is neither taught nor known in it."

Biblical scholars dismiss Revelation as nothing more than a nearly-crushed cult's political rhetoric against the ruling empire of the Romans, like an ancient version of David Koresh's mad ramblings before the U.S. government massacred him and more than 70 of his followers and their little children.

Faith-Based, Inc.

2006-07-22T00:06:00.000-04:00

Report: Church-State Lines Not Always Drawn With Faith-Based Groups

from Religious News Service

An examination of the White House's faith-based initiative has found that some organizations are not separating religious activities from federally funded services.

At the request of two members of Congress, the U.S. General Accountability Office spent more than a year conducting a review of federal and state agencies related to the White House Office of Faith-based and Community Initiatives. The GAO also investigated religious groups that have received government grants.

The report, released Tuesday, said officials at 26 faith-based organizations that were visited by investigators said they understood that government funds could not pay for religious activities.

But reviewers found "four of the 13 FBOS (faith-based organizations) that offered voluntary religious activities - such as prayer and worship - did not appear to understand the requirement to separate these activities in time or location from their program services funded with federal funds."

One faith-based worker told investigators that she discusses religious matters while providing a service funded by the government if a participant asks and others don't object. In a few cases, staffers at faith-based groups said they prayed with program beneficiaries if they requested it.

Alyssa J. McClenning, a spokeswoman for the White House faith-based office, said efforts are made to prevent such situations. "The administration is engaged in continuous efforts to ensure that the regulations governing appropriate use of federal financial assistance are disseminated and understood by grantees," she said.

But the congressmen who sought the review said the results show management of the fund is in question.

"The Bush administration has failed to develop standards to verify that faith-based organizations aren't using federal funds to pay for inherently religious activity or to provide services on the basis of religion," said Rep. Pete Stark, D-Calif., who requested the report with Rep. George Miller, D-Calif.

George Washington University Law School professor Ira Lupu, said the overall report showed no widespread abuse of federal funds but pointed out the need for more monitoring on church-state matters.

"People don't understand that you couldn't do a prayer service in a government-funded program, that you had to do it separately," he said. "People somehow think in those groups so long as it's voluntary, it's OK. That's not the constitutional law."

Suddenly, My Opinion of 'The Church' SkyrocketsShe's Kinda Cool

2006-07-21T20:45:00.000-04:00

Charlotte Church Faces Catholic Boycott Over Nazi Pope Jibe

from The Daily Mail

One of the world’s largest Roman Catholic publishing houses has refused to sell any works by Charlotte Church after she called German-born Pope Benedict XVI a "Nazi."

The directors of US-based Ignatius Press were offended when the Welsh singer mocked the Church in the pilot of her forthcoming eight-part Channel 4 television chat show.

Church, dubbed the "voice of an angel" before she turned her talents to popular music, also dressed up as a nun and pretended to hallucinate while eating communion wafers imprinted with Ecstasy smiling faces.

She smashed open a statue of the Virgin Mary to reveal a can of cider inside, said she worshipped St. Fortified Wine, and stuck chewing gum on a statue of the child Jesus.

Now Ignatius Press, a company considered a "Catholic Amazon" because of the vast range of books, DVDs, cassettes and videos it sells online, has announced that Church's products have been withdrawn from its website and catalogue.

The company said: "It is with regret that we do this. Miss Church possesses a great gift from God, and in the past she has used her talents to offer praise and glory to our Lord.

"But we cannot stand by a young woman who uses her stature in the media to mock the Eucharist, slander the Holy Father, and denigrate the vows of religious women," it continued.

"Therefore, our catalogues and website will immediately withdraw all compact discs, cassette tapes, DVDs and VHS tapes that feature Miss Church. Please join us in praying for this troubled young woman," they added.

Church, 20, was raised a Catholic and sang for Pope John Paul II at the Vatican at the age of 12-years-old. But she made clear her dislike for Bavarian-born Pope Benedict, 79, shortly after it was reported that he considered the Harry Potter books as "subtle seductions" capable of corrupting young Christians. Church has read the entire J.K. Rowling collection.

The pilot for The All New Charlotte Church Show was filmed before a live studio audience last week. The show [is] to be broadcast this autumn by Channel 4.

Ignatius Press is the world’s primary English-language publisher of the writings of Pope Benedict XVI. But after his election as Pontiff in April last year, Benedict transferred the copyright for his works to the Vatican's own publishing house, Libreria Editrice Vaticana.

Pope Benedict, the son of a German policeman who was opposed to Naziism, was forced into the Hitler Youth as a child and during the Second World War he served briefly on an anti-aircraft battery.

Blessed Are the Boring, the Losers, the Wasters of Space

2006-07-21T18:21:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I Wish I'd Never Been Born Again

by Clarissa Eamon in The Onion

Brothers and sisters, I'd like to share something with you today. Won't you let the Good News of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ into your life? Awww, who am I kidding? Even if you did, I'd just get in the way and mess things up.

Here is the Word: I have a stupid and pitiful life in Christ. Believe me, no one would care and nothing would be affected if I'd never been born again—not even the Lamb Of God Himself.

Ever since the day I was baptized, I've been bringing this whole flock down. Maybe I should've let them hold my head in the baptismal pool a little bit longer. It's not like they would have objected. Truth be told to you, it's all too obvious that they're only pretending to love me because the Lord told them to.

I know Jesus said He loves everyone, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if He really meant "everyone but Clarissa Eamon." You can't hide your complete and total lameness from Christ. In fact, Our Lord would be the first to know, wouldn't He?

I can accept that I'm a sinner. I can accept that He is the Light, the Truth, and the Way. What I can't accept is that I'm such an utter failure in His eyes.

Sure, I have brought a lot of new souls to Christ since I've been reborn, but none of them were any good. When I think of all that Christ has done for me, a wave of misery washes over me. After all, He gave his life so that we all may attain eternal salvation. What have I done? I haven't witnessed for shit.

Jesus must totally hate me.

I know that His yoke is easy and His burden light, but I can't help feeling that I'm a big part of that burden. After all, the New Testament was written a couple thousand years before any of the Apostles came across the likes of me. In my Bible reading, I don't recall Him ever saying, "Blessed are the boring, the losers, the wasters of space." I know my Scripture, and I know that Jesus never said anything about the dumbasses inheriting the earth. Yeah, there's only one set of footprints in the sand, and they belong to Jesus—bolting away from me at top speed.

There's not a doubt in my mind when I tell you that the biggest mistake Jesus ever made was coming into my heart. No matter what I do, or what I've done, I just won't cut it in the new kingdom of Heaven. Our Father has plenty of righteous souls to choose from. He certainly doesn't need me up there. I'd only bring the whole place down. Yes, He saved me, but I say it's high time he kicked me to the curb.

One thing I know I can absolutely do right is the chastity-before-marriage pledge, because nobody wants to date me. I doubt even the Holy Spirit wants to be around me anymore.

I should probably just end my miserable new eternal life once and for all. What would it matter? I bet Jesus is actually dreading Judgment Day because it will mean having to see me.

Then again, maybe the Lord doesn't even know who I am. It wouldn't surprise me. I took Him into my heart over four years ago, and I pray to Him all the time, but I know He'd be hard-pressed to recognize me when—if I'm ever so lucky—we ever come face-to-face. And if He did, I bet He'd pretend He didn't. After all, who would want to be seen walking through the valley of the shadow of death with a schmuck like me?

Each night, after I say my prayers, I just want to crawl under a big homemade quilt embroidered with passages from 1 Corinthians, and die.

Side Effects May Include: Nausea, Headaches, Exposing Yourself to Mothers & Children, Sin...

2006-07-19T17:58:00.000-04:00

Priest Charged with Indecent Exposure

from The Associated Press

KEARNEY, Neb. — A Roman Catholic priest from Elm Creek is in Maryland, his bishop says, being treated for depression after being charged with public indecency.

The Rev. Mark Maresh, 41, is accused of exposing himself to a woman in Kearney on June 25.

According to a statement Bishop William Dendinger of Grand Islandread to parishioners, "Father Mark has been dealing with depression for six or more years. He has been working with counselors and using medication to cope with depression. Recently, he switched medication, which had an adverse effect."

Public indecency is a misdemeanor punishable by up to six months in jail and a fine.

The Kearney woman said the incident occurred while she was walking her 2-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son. A man in a parked car opened the passenger door as he said something to her. She asked what he wanted, and then he exposed himself.

She reported the car's license number to police.

'This Blood of Christ Tastes Funny!''But Look at Your Glass! No Streaking!''I'm Gonna Puke. Praise Jesus!'

2006-07-19T16:18:00.000-04:00

Somebody Spiked the Jesus Juice!

from Sploid

Parishoners in a Connecticut church fell ill after consuming tainted grape juice at communion. Over 40 people were affected, reporting everything from a burning sensation in their throats to outright vomiting.

The culprit: a disgruntled CVS clerk who put dishwashing detergent in the bottle of juice, which was later sold to a deacon at the Calvary Baptist Church of Darien.

"It wasn't done with the intent of hurting the public," said Lt. Ron Bussell, a detective with the Darien police department.

The clerk, 28-year-old Wendell Woodroffe, was apparently unhappy with his employer because he hadn't been promoted after several years of working at the store. And what better way to stick it to The Man than by poisoning a bunch of old ladies in their Sunday best?

Woodroffe's mother, Millicent Hylton, wept as she described her great distress over the incident.

"I'm dying inside," she said. "I feel like somebody put a spear in me."

She described her son as someone who "keeps a lot in" and "doesn't have many friends." WHDH-TV observed that he is apparently such a loser he shops with his mother and recently went to a casino "but didn't win."

Woodroffe has been fired, and faces 22 counts of assault and 22 counts of assault on a victim 60 or older.

'I'm Unwell!'

2006-07-19T16:05:00.000-04:00

Angry God Strikes Another 'Christian'

from Sploid

The Good Lord's contempt for Christians is well documented, His most recent attack coming this past week. Outraged by a cross worn on the neck of a 16-year-old Russian girl, He scored a direct hit.

Marina Motygina and her friend Anya this weekend were at a swimming hole in the Ural Mountains when a storm started brewing.

"Anya was bathing, and I was sitting under a tree," Motygina says.

As the rains began to fall, Motygina ran to collect their clothing. With the girl out from under her cover, God saw his chance.

"When it started to rain and thunder struck, I ran to get our things from the meadow. Probably then the lightning struck. I remember falling down and saying, 'I'm unwell.' Then everything went dark."

Lightning had come down from above, striking the young girl on the temple. As the super-charged bolt raced through her body, it vaporized the crucifix Motygina wore. Her chest now bears a cross-shaped scar forever burned into her flesh as a reminder of her impertinence.

Anya just barely dodged the attack.

"I was running to the tree for shelter, when thunder struck very near, so loudly that I covered my ears, then I saw a flash of light right in front of me..." Anya recalled. "Then I came to myself lying in the grass. I crawled on my elbows to the bag with my mobile phone and called my parents."

Miraculously, Motygina is back on her feet, though she's still in the hospital receiving treatment for her burns, says her doctor.

"Marina is fine, even her heart is working perfectly well, though usually when a person is struck by lightning, the heart stops immediately. It's a really unique case. There are only a few people who survived a lightning strike, and most of them develop telepathic or psychic abilities."

Sadly for Motygina, no such powers have presented themselves.

Again and again, God has been lashing out at those who pray, carry crosses, and otherwise pretend to understand Him.

He may be losing his patience.

Jails for Jesus

2006-07-15T13:44:00.000-04:00

Thanking Jesus in Court Lands Man in Jail

from The Associated Press

Thanking Jesus in court lands man in jail Fri Jul 14, 7:36 PM ET

HONOLULU - Junior Stowers raised his hands and exclaimed, "Thank you, Jesus!" in court last month when he was acquitted by a jury of abusing his son.

But his joy was short-lived when Circuit Judge Patrick Border held him in contempt of court for the "outburst" and threw him in jail.

Stowers, 47, sat in the courtroom and a cellblock for about six hours until the judge granted him a hearing on the contempt charge and released him.

The judge at a July 7 hearing dropped the contempt charge, a petty misdemeanor that carries up to 30 days in jail.

Stowers couldn't be reached for comment. But his attorney in the contempt case, Deputy Public Defender Susan Arnett, said he wasn't treated fairly.

"I don't think there's anything about saying 'Thank you, Jesus' that rises to the level of contemptuous behavior in this case," she told The Honolulu Advertiser.

Stowers is a devoutly religious man active in his church who spontaneously expressed his thanks to the higher power in which he believed, she said.

Family members and Stowers' pastor at Assembly of God Church, Iakopo Sale, who watched from the gallery were "very upset that those words could land somebody in jail," Arnett said.

Border declined to comment but indicated the court minutes reflected his actions. The minutes showed he found Stowers' "nonverbal gestures and outbursts to be disruptive and improper regardless of content."

Court minutes said Border later dropped the charge because he realized Stowers' trial lawyer, Deputy Public Defender Carmel Kwock, did not have time to tell Stowers the judge had ordered both sides not to show emotion when the verdict was announced.

Stowers, of Honolulu, was charged with hitting his 15-year-old son with a broomstick in January. The misdemeanor charge of abusing a household member carries a sentence of up to a year in jail. Stowers was free on a $1,000 bond.

During the trial last month, the boy recanted his earlier statements that his father hit him, according to court records.

The boy instead testified his brother had hit him with a car door, a story verified by the brother in court.

Just before the verdict was announced on June 29, Border called city Deputy Prosecutor Sean Sanada and Kwock to the bench and told them he didn't want a show of emotion by either side, according to a defense request to dismiss the contempt charge.

When Stowers made his remarks after the verdict was announced, the judge told him, "There will (be) no more of that," the papers said.

Stowers asked to approach the bench and apologize, but the judge told him he could not and ordered him to remain in the courtroom, the defense request said.

Poop-Caked Bird Expels Muslim Myth As Stillborn MealAnd Can I Get Him Scrambled? Thanks

2006-07-13T19:26:00.000-04:00

This is your deity. This is your deity on drugs, This is your deity on drugs with a side of saus-hey, wait a minute! This is obviously a hoax. Muslim eggs would never smile. Unless the shrieks of the burning infidel newborns was involved, of course. What's next - rabbis with mohawks and popes in pantyhose? Wait, bad example. Popes in pigtails? Nonono. Obviously, with that dazed look, those are dopey Hari Krishna eggs or something.

Chicken Lays Mystery Allah Egg

from Reuters

ALMATY - A chicken in a Kazakh village has laid an egg with the word "Allah" inscribed on its shell, state media reported Thursday.

"Our mosque confirmed that it says 'Allah' in Arabic," Bites Amantayeva, a farmer from the village of Stepnoi in eastern Kazakhstan, told state news agency Kazinform.

"We'll keep this egg and we don't think it'll go bad."

The news agency said the egg was laid just after a powerful hail storm hit the village.

Kazakhstan is a large, thinly populated Central Asian state where Sunni Islam is a dominant religion.

Much better. Now those are Muslim eggs - outraged, bitter, and always murderous about something silly thing. And does the Jihad Slam come with hashbrowns? Great, and a small coffee. Thanks.

The Second Coming of Cruise

2006-07-13T00:55:00.000-04:00

Airwaves Again Safe for South Park Scientology Spoof

from E! Online

Comedy Central is finally respecting Cartman's authoritay.

One week after South Park's controversial "Trapped in the Closet" episode garnered an Emmy nomination, and nearly four months after it was abruptly pulled from rotation on the cable net, Comedy Central has finally acquiesced and will allow the Scientology-skewering episode back on the air.

And clearly not a moment too soon.

"If they hadn't put this episode back on the air, we'd have had serious issues, and we wouldn't be doing anything else with them," cocreator Matt Stone tells Variety.

The episode reportedly ruffled some high-powered feathers upon its first airing. In addition to an accurate, if cartoon-depicted, primer on Scientology, the show featured a literally closeted Tom Cruise who refuses to come out, only to be joined in his hiding by fellow Scientologist John Travolta and R&B man R. Kelly, whose operatic ballad provided the show's title.

While Comedy Central failed to publicly disclose its reasons for yanking the program (which is also credited for leading Scientologist Isaac Hayes to jump ship as the longtime voice of Chef), creators Stone and Trey Parker didn't shy away from broadcasting what they claimed was the network-sanctioned reason.

As the conspiracy theory goes, the Cruise's camp had a hand in deep-sixing the episode, with the litigious actor reportedly threatening to pull out of promotional duties for Mission: Impossible III.

Cruise's reps vehemently denied such allegations, but the South Park brain trust stuck by its guns.

"I only know what we were told, that people involved with M:I:III wanted the episode off the air and that is why Comedy Central had to do it," Stone says in Variety. "I don't know why else it would have been pulled."

Now, Cruise's saturation-level publicity tour is over (and proved fairly ineffective, with the sequel grossing a disappointing $133 million domestically) and he is apparently in hiding with his new baby.

As it is, Comedy Central's decision to reintroduce the episode to its rerun schedule seems as arbitrary an action as yanking it in the first place. But the move is putting the network back into the good graces of Stone and Parker, who have said that their relationship with the network has been tenuous since the spring.

"It's true we are not as big as Tom Cruise, but we've done two movies for Viacom and 10 years of South Park episodes, and this has been our home," Stone tells Variety.

Stone explains that the episode's removal was nearly the final straw for the duo, who had been censored by the network on three separate occasions.

"We've been through a trifecta of annoyances," Stone says. "The 'Bloody Mary' episode angered Catholics. And we had a big fight when we wanted to show Muhammad."

Last year, the network declined to rerun the "Bloody Mary" episode after the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights attacked Parker and Stone and protested the program that featured a menstruating statue of the Virgin Mary.

In April, Comedy Central intervened on another episode before another religious group could take umbrage.

"Cartoon Wars," an episode dealing with the worldwide violence ensuing from a Danish newspaper's publication of cartoons depicting the Islamic prophet, was broadcast with a title card reading "Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Mohammed on their network."

At the time, the network defended the decision to censor the show to ward off the possibility of violent reactions.

"The mantra has always been everything is fair game," Stone tells Variety. "I love [network president] Doug Herzog, but I think he's dead wrong and made a totally cowardly decision."

South Park's "Trapped in the Closet" returns to Comedy Central's airwaves July 19.

The H. Stand for Heineken

2006-07-12T23:36:00.000-04:00

King of Jews and Beers

from Sploid

Drivers in Houston this week were treated to a sight that inspired reverence, awe and thirst.

Looming high above the intersection of La Branch and Winbern, on a billboard appeared a poster of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus H. Christ, raising a 12-ounce can of Budweiser. Surrounding the mouthwatering Messiah were the words "King of Jews" and "King of Beers."

"I thought that was just crazy," said commuter Jose Cazares. "It looks professional too."

Sadly, it appears the art is not the work of professionals - at least not professionals sanctioned by the firm that leases the billboard. They say they have no idea who is responsible, they only know that it isn't them.

Posters bearing the same message were made famous by agit-prop maestro Ron English.

Curiously, English has been in Houston for the past few months working on a giant mural inspired by Pablo Picasso's "Guernica" to go on display in the exhibit "PowerPathos" at the Station Museum.

In an article last week in the Houston Chronicle, the artist claimed that he no longer hijacked billboards in Texas because the criminal penalties are too severe. And yet, just six weeks ago, another billboard typical of English's work - Jesus manning a UFO - appeared at the corner of Montrose and Fairview in downtown Houston.

Among his favorite targets for billboard attacks is Ronald McDonald. He loathes the way the seemingly friendly clown preys on kids, trying to get them to eat crap food.

Folks in the area say the poster appeared - like a vision - about a week ago. Sadly, all the attention brought to the sign by local news coverage has spurred the billboard's owners into action. As of Tuesday, the billboard showed a PSA for adoption.

Duckworth School of Speed-Reading:Finish the Bible in 8 Minutes & Find It Fascinating!But How?! Call Now!

2006-07-11T20:39:00.000-04:00

Inmate Pleads Guilty in Bible Drugs Case

from The Associated Press

HUNTINGTON, Ind. - A jail inmate pleaded guilty to charges that he asked his wife to smuggle cocaine to him inside two Bibles.

Anthony W. Duckworth, 32, pleaded guilty Monday in a Huntington County court to two counts of trafficking with an inmate. His wife, Amy M. Duckworth, 28, pleaded guilty to the same charges on June 19.

On March 10, Jail Commander Steve McIntyre intercepted one Bible that was to have gone to Anthony Duckworth's cellmate, Joshua Gidley. McIntyre opened the ends of the spine, which had been glued shut, and found a plastic bag containing about 2 grams of cocaine, he said.

According to police reports, guards could not remember who had delivered the Bible to the jail in the city about 20 miles southwest of Fort Wayne. But on March 27, Sgt. Paul Douglas found a similar Bible with a lump in the spine and discovered two plastic bags inside. One contained cocaine and the other contained a substance later identified as tobacco.

Bar-code stickers led authorities to a Wal-Mart, where they found a Bible had been bought with a credit card. The receipt was signed by Amy Duckworth and a surveillance video showed her making the purchase, police said.

Another Day, Another Muslim Religious Call To Mass Murder

2006-07-11T20:23:00.000-04:00

Israel Flyers Advocate Killing of Gays

from UPI

JERUSALEM - Flyers offering cash rewards for the killings of homosexuals participating in the upcoming World Pride Jerusalem Parade have been distributed in the city.

The flyers, which promise nearly $5,000 to "anyone who causes the death of one of the people of Sodom and Gomorrah," were found in mailboxes in several Jerusalem neighborhoods, including the ultra-orthodox Mea Shearim area, the Jerusalem Post reported Tuesday.

Ynetnews.com reported the flyers, distributed by a group called the "Red Hand for Redemption," decried the march, scheduled for Aug. 10, saying: "During this parade, 300,000 corrupt animals are anticipated to march through the holy city of Jerusalem, waiting avidly for the chance to put themselves on display before our children and our sacred Torah. They will try as hard as they can to defile as many of our innocent children as they can," Ynetnews.com reported.

The Jerusalem Post said there have been several unconfirmed anonymous reports that the event's organizers were considering moving it to Tel Aviv.

Oh.My.God!Dude.

2006-07-11T13:35:00.000-04:00

NYP: God-Related Shrooming OK!

from Gawker

When is the otherwise square New York Post pro-drug? When drugs are proven to enhance the conservative pro-God agenda.

Thirty-six "hallucinogen-naive" adults were treated to a regimen of psilocybin pills, i.e. the psychoactive ingredient in certain mushrooms. The NYP capsules the study's results theologically, noting that despite potential side effects, shrooms "also can spark a religious experience that leaves users feeling kinder and happier"; regarding the 36 test subjects, "two-thirds judged it to be among their top-five experiences, equal to the birth of a first child."

Of course, the NYP clipped the story from the Washington Post, whose hippie commies were even more excited, headlining their article, "Drug's Mystical Properties Confirmed." Magic is real, people!

File Under: I Did Not Know That

2006-07-11T02:50:00.000-04:00

Atheist

Beep Beep'It Landed on Kabbalah. What Would You Like To Do, Madonna?'Spin! Stay! Spin! Spin!'I'd Like To Spin Again'

2006-07-10T14:08:00.000-04:00

Esther - aka Madonna - May Cut Ties with Kabbalah

from AFP

LONDON - Esther may be about to become just plain Madonna again if, as a report suggested, she cuts her much derided ties with Kabbalah, the trendy Orthodox Jewish sect the US singer has championed.

The Independent on Sunday cited close friends of the singer saying she has talked of loosening her red Kabbalah wristband - used to ward off the "evil eye" - and is wearying of the mystical Jewish belief system.

Esther - the adopted Hebrew name by which she is known to fellow believers -- has tired of the financial burden and the effect her strong beliefs have had on her relationship with husband Guy Ritchie, the paper said.

Madonna is also said to be concerned that following Kabbalah separates her children from more conventional customs such as Christmas, which they do not currently celebrate, it added.

The paper cited a spokesman for the singer as saying: "As far as I am aware, it is completely untrue".

Madonna's brand of Kabbalah has upset traditionalists, with religious scholars saying the version as practised both 47 year-old entertainer - with its focus on "inner peace, financial prosperity, power and pleasure" - is a far cry from the Orthodox spirituality prescribed by the sages of old.

An esoteric offshoot of Judaism, Kabbalah's origins can be traced back to the 12th and 13th centuries when its central text, the Zohar, was penned.

Taught only to a select few - pious Jewish males over the age of 40 who have spent a lifetime immersed in the study of Hebrew texts - dedication to Kabbalah requires arduous meditation and a strictly ascetic lifestyle.

Madonna's involvement has certainly raised Kabbalah's profile around the world, however, attracting other celebrities together with their generous donations to the cause.

She devotes several million pounds to the sect each year, as well as buying the venue for the London organisation at a cost of more than 3.6 million pounds (6.7 million dollars, 5.2 million euros), according to the Independent on Sunday.

Show Me a Muslim Who Doesn't Crave Murder & I'll Show You a Mormon Misspelled

2006-07-07T22:13:00.000-04:00

Pray or Die, Somali Sheikh Tells Muslims

from Reuters

MOGADISHU - A leading Mogadishu sheikh said on Friday Muslims who do not pray five times a day should be put to death - the latest sign of a fast-emerging hardline face to Somalia's newly-powerful Islamists.

The sheikh's statement - which he confirmed to Reuters after it was broadcast on local media - caused consternation among residents and will fuel foreign fears the Islamists are planning a hardline Taliban-style rule.

"He who does not perform prayer will be considered as infidel and our sharia law orders that person to be killed," said Sheikh Abdalla Ali, who runs a sharia court in the Somali capital which the Islamists took last month.

After kicking out the U.S.-backed warlords from Mogadishu on June 5, the Islamists took a large swathe of southern Somalia from the coastal capital to near the border with Ethiopia.

The Islamists initially sought to project a moderate face.

But in recent weeks, a hardline cleric on international terrorism lists has risen to their most senior position, strict sharia law such as whipping has been increasingly applied to criminals, and zealous militia have broken up World Cup viewing.

An elder in the Gubta area of Mogadishu, which is the base of the sheikh who pronounced on the prayers, said he did not approve of the strict sharia punishments, "We are very sorry at these kinds of activities," said Aw Ahmed Jilacow.

The Islamists' hardline leader, Sheikh Hassan Dahir Aweys, said a video purportedly showing foreigners fighting alongside local militants was fabricated to discredit his movement, according to remarks published on Friday.

The potentially explosive tape circulating in Mogadishu this week appears to show foreign radicals alongside local Islamist militiamen during the recent battles against warlords.

If true, that would puncture the Islamists' claim to be an entirely home-grown movement, and fuel fears in Washington and elsewhere that their rise could make the Horn of Africa nation a magnet for Muslim extremists.

"This tape is fabricated and fraudulent and aims to harm the reputation of the Islamic Courts," Aweys, who is on a U.N. and U.S. terrorism list, told London-based Asharq al-Awsat daily.

Separately, Islamist militiamen faced off with a group vowing to fight Mogadishu's new rulers on Friday as residents feared another flare-up after a month of relative peace.

Manning checkpoints and driving pick-ups mounted with heavy guns, rival militias stood just 150 meters (yards) apart in the Kilometer Four area of Mogadishu.

Seeking to cling to an enclave in Kilometer Four, the warlord-linked Sa'ad sub-clan has boosted its defenses and refused to hand over weapons, as well as briefly seizing a vehicle from the pro-Islamist Ayr sub-clan, residents said.

"There are fears of fighting in Kilometre Four between Islamic Courts Union and the Sa'ad," resident Abdikarim Ahmed said. "The Sa'ad took over a vehicle owned by the Ayr and held it for several hours. They took several guns from the vehicle and later released it."

Warlord fighters linked to the Sa'ad last month vowed to regain territory they lost in the fight for Mogadishu, which killed 350 people in close range artillery duels.

'We Don't Serve Your Kind'

2006-07-06T15:29:00.000-04:00

Google Hates Religion!

from Sploid

The world's most powerful Internet company has a message for the billions of faithful people around the world: Go to Hell.

Google has launched an online-payment system it hopes will destroy the popular PayPal service owned by eBay. But instead of welcoming the world to the new product, Google executives have made the bizarre decision to ban people from using "Google Checkout" for religious goods.

Among the dozens of "unacceptable product categories" for websites using Google Checkout are literature, fine wines, photojournalism, CostCo memberships, gold jewelry and "goods regulated by government or other agency specifications," which covers almost every conceivable product -- from iPods to candy bars. But it's the strange anti-religious language that has heads shaking throughout the online business world.

Google Checkout bans the sale of "materials, goods or paraphernalia for use in satanic, sacrificial, or related practices."

Or, in other words: "No Christian products, thanks."

That's because the entire Christian faith is based on a single event: the human sacrifice of Jesus. Because of the tragic sacrifice, Christians are able to escape the fate of humanity - which is to rot in Hell for eternity.

The Holy Bible, which is already banned by Google Checkout because it contains literature with sexual content and unsubstantiated cures, is doubly banned by its multiple stories of the ultimate sacrifice Jesus Christ made just because his dad, God, so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son in order to save a fraction of the world's population from being burned forever in Hell by the devil, Satan.

For Catholics, the ritual of sacrificial communion with Jesus is non-negotiable - and that ritual involves no less than the magical transformation of crackers and wine into the literal human flesh and blood of the crucified, sacrificed savior...within the Catholic's own mouth.

(Experts in the Jewish religion point out that the Old Testament is also banned by Google Checkout, as it not only contains hundreds of gruesome descriptions of rape, murder and sacrifice, but features Satan himself as a main character in major biblical stories such as Genesis and the Book of Job.)

The entertainment industry is also spooked by the Google ban, which covers everything from Mel Gibson's blockbuster Jesus movie, "The Passion of the Christ," to dozens of episodes of the wildly popular "South Park" cartoon. Thousands of CDs by the Rolling Stones, Dave Matthews, the Grateful Dead, Chris Isaak, Motley Crue, Van Morrison, the Beatles, Beck, Billie Holiday and hundreds of "Christian Rock" groups are also banned by Google's wide-ranging prohibition of all things religious. Christian music is almost exclusively about the human sacrifice of Jesus and how that saves Christians from eternal torture by Satan!

The religious ban originally covered many more faiths, as the Guardian reported on Tuesday.

"But what's this in the Terms & Conditions? Users are also prohibited from using Checkout to sell Occult goods."

While the Guardian reporter found the exclusionary practice amusing, a commenter saw the policy for what it truly was: a modern-day witch hunt to arbitrarily ban any religious group from using the Google payment method.

"By 'related practices,' I hope you're not including Pagan practices because you will lose quite a few customers that way," wrote Raven Trinity Moon in a comment directed at Google.

"Are you still selling crucifixes, Stars of David or any other kind of religious material? If so, you are very hypocritical and will probably lose more than a few customers."

Occult, after all, is simply the defamatory label the Christian and Catholic establishment has long stuck on older religions -- for the express purpose of slandering beloved religions practiced by billions of people.

According to Christians, every other religion is false (including Judaism, weirdly enough). And every "false" faith is satanic by definition.

Today, the "occult" reference has conveniently vanished from Google Checkout's "Terms and Conditions." But the harsh prohibition of Christian items is sure to anger America's religious right, who seem to be taking it from all sides these days.

Strike! Praise Allah!

2006-07-06T12:55:00.000-04:00

Pig's Head Tossed into Lewiston Mosque

from Portland Press Herald

LEWISTON — A 33-year-old man was arrested Tuesday after he allegedly threw a severed pig's head into a Lewiston mosque while a group of Muslim men were praying.

The frozen pig's head was rolled into the Lewiston Auburn Islamic Center on Lisbon Street about 10:15 p.m. Monday, witnesses told the Sun Journal of Lewiston.

About 40 men were bowed down as part of their prayer ritual when the incident occurred. They got up and ran outside but were unable to locate anyone. None of the men was hit by the animal head.

Brent Matthews of Lewiston went to the police department Tuesday, told a detective he had thrown the head and was charged with desecration of a place of worship, a misdemeanor.

The charge is considered a hate-bias crime, so Matthews' case will be referred to the Attorney General's Office for further investigation, Lt. Don Mailhot said.

Pigs are considered unclean by Muslims, who are barred from eating pork, and the act was viewed as a deliberate insult upon the religion.

Matthews, who was out on bail, "admitted to doing it," Mailhot said. "He thought it was funny; it was going to be a big joke. The police department doesn't take anything like that lightly."

'Bah! You Kids Today & Your Rock und Roll!'

2006-06-30T21:03:00.000-04:00

'Vhen I vas a Nazi youth, ve didn't have none of your modern "electrical gueetars" und "tam-bore-eens"! Ve had eunuchs und they screamed UND VE LOVED IT!'

Pope Starts the Chant - Stop the Pop

from Sydney Morning Herald

Pope Benedict has called for an end to electric guitars and modern music being played in church and has demanded a return to traditional choirs and Gregorian chants.

The Catholic Church has been experimenting with new ways of celebrating the Mass to try to attract more people.

The recital of the Mass set to guitars has grown in popularity in Italy. In Spain, the Mass has been set to flamenco music. And in the United States, the Electric Prunes produced a "psychedelic" album called Mass in F Minor.

However, the use of guitars and tambourines has annoyed Pope Benedict, who has a love of classical music.

"It is possible to modernise holy music," the Pope said at a concert conducted by Domenico Bartolucci, the director of music for the Sistine Chapel.

"But it should not happen outside the traditional path of Gregorian chants or sacred polyphonic choral music."

The shift to more traditional forms of music comes as Australian bishops have voted in principle to accept a new English translation of the Mass that the Vatican favours as being more faithful to the original Latin text.

The argument about music is part of a wider debate over whether to return to a Latin Mass. If Latin Masses are not reintroduced into common practice, few Catholics will know the words to the Latin Gregorian chants that the Pope advocates.

The Latin Mass was restricted in the Vatican II reforms of the 1960s, on the grounds that it was deterring worshippers from going to Church.

Pope Benedict's conservatism is becoming more apparent, a year after his election.

Crashing Soon Through a Denny's Diner Near You

2006-06-30T20:34:00.000-04:00

No German car for Pope Benedict XVI as the Catholic church leader received a new Volvo XC90 that has been custom tailored for his personal use. During a June 28 ceremony at the Vatican, the Pope was presented with the keys to the SUV. The V8 version vehicle is dark blue with a light interior and Volvo officials say the car, like every Volvo XC90, is designed for safety with features like ROPS (rollover protection system).

Shut Yer Pope Hole, Old Man!

2006-06-30T19:40:00.000-04:00

The Pope Is Cold Hatin' on Science

from Sploid

God's Rottweiler is taking yet another bite out of science with the announcement that any scientist who engages in stem cell research of any kind will be excommunicated. The same goes for any politician who votes in favor of legislation permitting such research to take place.

"Destroying human embryos is equivalent to an abortion. It is the same thing," said Cardinal Alfonso Lopez Trujillo, head of the Pontifical Council for the Family.

"Excommunication will be applied to the women, doctors and researchers who eliminate embryos [and to the] politicians that approve the law," he said in an interview with Famiglia Christiana, an official Vatican magazine.

Excommunication - "exclusion from the communion" - is like having your decoder ring taken away, you don't get to take part in any more of the church's magic.

And you get to sleep in on Sundays.

Professor Cesare Galli, of the Laboratory of Reproductive Technologies in Cremona, was the first scientist to clone a horse. He's at the top of the Vatican's hit list and he doesn't care.

"I can bear excommunication. I was raised as a Catholic, I share Catholic values, but I am able to make my own judgment on some issues and I do not need to be told by the Church what to do or to think.

"I will be, together with Elena Cattaneo [a scientist working in the University of Milan] the first to be affected by the excommunication and then there are two other labs that I know using imported embryonic stem cells."

Even members of bizarre Catholic cult Opus Dei - one of the Pope's favorites - think Ratzi's edict is ridiculous.

"I am upset and stunned," said Paola Binetti, an Italian senator and Opus Dei member. "It is a mistake to give out the idea that God is angry with Man because he is not in agreement with him."

Pope Benedict XVI has repeatedly made clear his fear of the black arts that we call "science." During his Good Friday sermon this spring he warned of the dangers of progress.

"Lord Jesus, open our eyes: Let us see the filth around us and recognize it for what it is, so that a single tear of sorrow can restore us to purity of heart and the breath of true freedom," he wailed.

Though Ratzi's predecessor, J.P., made his stance against capital punishment clear, there's no word yet if the butchers who practice or vote in favor of that barbaric act will be similarly kicked out of the gang.

How Many Lightbulbs Does It Take To Screw In a Muslim?Just One, Praise Allah!

2006-06-29T13:15:00.000-04:00

Lightbulb-ectomy

from Sploid

Most prisoners make a habit of sleeping on their backs. It's a matter of personal safety, who knows what will end up inside you. One man in Pakistan recently learned that lesson the hard. Luckily, doctors were able to remove the lightbulb from his ass without breaking it.

"Thanks Allah, now I feel comfort. Today, I had my breakfast. I was just drinking water, nothing else," said Fateh Mohammad.

Instead of thanking Allah, maybe Mohammad should be asking him who put the lightbulb up his ass.

"I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners," the 40-year-old man claims.

Mohammad is doing time for making moonshine in violation of Muslim law. He says he was a surprised as anybody when he learned what was wrong.

"When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this," Mohammad said.

"We had to take it out intact," said Dr. Farrukh Aftab at Nishtar Hospital. "Had it been broken inside, it would be a very very complicated situation."

Despite Mohammad's pleas of ignorance, doctors are having a hard time believing his claim that somebody drugged him and screwed in the lightbulb.

Finally an Amish Story! Suitably Bland & Uninteresting...

2006-06-29T13:13:00.000-04:00

Amish Milk Sting!

from Sploid

It's a scene right out of Prohibition: a stranger comes knocking, asking for a refill of his plastic jug. A wary vendor agrees to fill it up. As the tap is turned and the contraband flows, the stranger pulls two bills out of his wallet ... and then his badge.

Amish man Arlie Stutzman now finds himself fighting the state of Ohio for the right to sell raw milk. He says laws banning its sale - the likes of which exist in 25 states - violate his religious freedom by restricting his ability to share with those in his community.

"While I can and I have food, I'll share it," said Stutzman, who is headed to court on Friday to make his case before a judge. "Do unto others what you would have others do unto you."

Someone in the state's bureaucracy somehow got word of Stutzman's 250-gallon tank of black market milk. Who ratted him out is anybody's guess; officials say it was an "anonymous neighbor." In September, authorities sent an undercover agent from the Ohio Department of Agriculture to make a buy.

By February, the state had revoked Stutzman's license to sell milk because he had sold milk in an unlabeled container. In April, he was again given a license, but received a warning not to sell raw milk to people.

"You can't just give milk away to someone other then yourself. It's a violation of the law," said LeeAnne Mizer, spokeswoman for the department.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration and the American Dairy Association both claim that raw milk is too dangerous. They argue that without heating, milk may be teeming with bacteria, like E. coli. How it is measurably different from selling raw beef is unclear.

Others contend that raw milk is far healthier than the pasteurized stuff you get at your local market. The Weston A. Price Foundation says raw milk is far more nutritious and contains beneficial bacteria.

Now regulators are calling on Judge Thomas D. White to lean hard on the humble dairy man, ordering him to stop selling raw milk. Stutzman, like his Amish brothers and sisters, prefers not to deal with outsiders, but he refuses to be bullied by the man.

"He's going to do what he thinks is the right thing," said his attorney, Gary Cox.

Crucifuck! You! Gus

2006-06-27T21:45:00.000-04:00

There's No Way I'm Saving That Guy

by Jesus Christ in The Onion

All right. I realize I am supposed to be all-merciful, universally loving, the Light and the Way and everything, but even a divine avatar of the Supreme Being's loving grace has His limits. I know I've said many times that there is always room for one more — even the lowliest — at the table of the Lord, but even so, there is just no freaking way I'm redeeming this S.O.B.

I don't want to name names, but his initials are Gus Feigert, owner-operator of Feigert Automotive down on Seybold Road, by the gas station. There, I said it. And you know what? I don't care. I'm glad I said his name. If he's going to suffer damnation for all eternity — which, I assure you, he most certainly is — then I don't see how much more damage revealing his identity during his brief time on Earth is going to cause the bastard in the long run.

The guy is a jerk.

First of all, he overcharges everyone who sets foot in his shop. That's a given. I'm omniscient, I see what's going on. He completely doctors the books and hasn't filed a legit tax return since he opened that damn place. Plus, he's a tyrant to his employees, slaps waitresses on the ass, and he cheats at cards. Come on. And then, after being a complete boner all week, he still shows up at church every Sunday like clockwork, with that stupid yellow tie he always wears, all smug-looking with that phony-ass grin on his face, and bows his head to "humbly" ask My forgiveness.

Well, not anymore!

He just has this way of getting under My skin, and I have had about enough of it. For years now he's been pulling this crap, and what do I do? I keep forgiving the ungrateful bastard, every Sunday, like some kind of chump. But does it make any difference? No sir. Come Monday morning he's back to his old tricks.

Find a new Messianic redeemer, Gus F&#khead Feigert, because I'm not taking your shit anymore. Ask the Holy Ghost for help next time, or maybe try intercessionary prayer to My mom. Maybe she'll listen to you. But not Me.

Don't get Me wrong. I'm extremely forgiving — to a fault, maybe. I've absolved some of the worst people you can imagine. We've got thieves, adulterers, murderers, even Romans sent to persecute my followers out the wazoo up here. In fact, if you ask Biblical scholars or learned clergy, they'll go so far as to tell you My capacity for forgiveness is infinite. Well, that's usually true. But not with this a-hole.

Yeah, I know I'm supposed to forgive everybody, and all can find refuge in Me blah blah blah. Fine. Fair enough. But not that prick. No f'ing way.

I don't have to tell you that I was sent down to Earth by God Almighty the Father in Heaven for a reason. I know that. Forgiving people is kind of My whole thing. So as long as someone comes to Me in full and honest supplication and asks Me to be their personal Savior, I'm pretty much obligated to do it. But come on, this guy? I have suffered on the cross and died for the sins of humanity, but I sure as hell didn't die for the sins of that ball-buster Gus Feigert, nor was I sent down to this Earth to suffer the agonies of the Passion just to be that obnoxious know-it-all's personal doormat.

He can go rot in Hell for all I care.

Then That Makes Me, Like, the Hitler of Cats!

2006-06-27T03:45:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Cay for the link.

Nun on the Run!Odds Are 10-to-1 She Gets Caught

2006-06-26T19:58:00.000-04:00

Warrant Issued for Omaha Nun

from KPTM

Omaha police are on the hunt for a Catholic nun.

Police issued an arrest warrant for Sister Barbara Markey. She was fired as director of the Omaha Archdiocese Family Life Office in January.

Police say she embezzled more than $300,000 and spent it on casinos and other expenditures.

Markey is facing a charge of theft by deception. That is a felony.

Late for Bingo...

Who Do You Blame When Nothing's Your Fault?

2006-06-26T16:03:00.000-04:00

Pol Blames Satan for Crap Luck

from Sploid

John Jacob, a Congressional candidate from Utah, said Thursday that Satan was trying to keep him out of office.

It seems the old deluder has kept Jacob from investing as much money as he'd like into his campaign, and has caused a series of recent business-related mishaps.

"You know, you plan, you organize, you put your budget together and when you have 10 things fall through, not just one, there's some other, something else that is happening," he told the Salt Lake Tribune.

"There's another force that wants to keep us from going to Washington, D.C. It's the devil is what it is. I don't want you to print that, but it feels like that's what it is," he said, apparently unaware that pleas for secrecy are like catnip to journalists.

He first brought up the Satan-as-campaign-foe theme on Wednesday, at an immigration rally, and then reiterated it in a meeting with the Salt Lake Tribune editorial staff on Thursday.

"I don't know who else it would be if it wasn't him," he said. "Now when that gets out in the paper, I'm going to be one of the screw-loose people."

This is exactly what came to pass, because Satan deemed it so.

By Friday, Jacob was backtracking - sort of.

"What I was trying to say, and obviously didn't do it very well, is that over the last eight months I've had more adversity in my life than I've had in the last 10 years," he said.

This adversity includes business deals gone sour, allegations that he aided illegal immigrants, and revelations that the devout Mormon used to gamble. But what others might call a run of bad luck, or even an accountability moment, was, for this charming wingnut, Lucifer.

Jacob is a political neophyte attempting to unseat fellow Republican Chris Cannon, a five-term Congressman. And, in a state crawling with religious types, all the talk about Satan might actually help.

"The people he would alienate probably wouldn't vote for him anyway," said David Gutterman, a political science professor at Linfield College in Oregon. "The people he's going to attract are shoring up a base that probably shares his religious views."

And indeed, a poll released today suggests Jacob might very well triumph in the 3rd Congressional District race.

"Jacob has a pretty good shot at pulling this off," said Brad Coker, managing director for Mason-Dixon Polling & Research. "It's never easy to beat an incumbent, but he is in a very good position."

Looks Like It's Porridge & Water for the Messiah Part Deux...

2006-06-26T15:26:00.000-04:00

Baby Jesus' Insurance Cancelled!

from Sploid

Raising a child as a single parent can pose serious financial challenges. Fearing that they wouldn't be able to cover the expense of immaculate pregnancy, three sisters in Scotland took out insurance in the event they were so blessed. It was with heavy hearts that they heard their policies had been cancelled.

Simon Burgess, managing director of Britishinsurance.com, delivered the news last week.

"Three women, all Christian sisters who live in Inverness, came to me in the year 2000 and asked me to insure them in case they immaculately conceived the second coming of Christ," Burgess announced. "They have renewed the policy of Â£100 each year since 2000 and would get a payout of Â£1million if they had an immaculate conception."

The move came after protest from Catholics who considered such thoughtful financial planning to be in poor taste.

"Our company used to specialize in weird and wonderful policies, and this was one of them...The Catholic Church was not happy about what we've been doing," according to Burgess.

The women weren't trying to profit from their faith. They just wanted a Second Coming fit for a King.

"They say if Christ came again they want to give him a lifestyle commensurate with his status and the money would pay for that."

'I wonder what it taaaastes like?' 'Bite it aaaand see!' 'Dibs on the genitaaaaals!'

Jesus (Hearts) Scabs

2006-06-24T02:20:00.000-04:00

Blessed are the blistered.

Hindu Gods (Heart) Getting Fingered

2006-06-24T02:18:00.000-04:00

So many Hindu gods, so few fingers.

Bend It Like Brahma

2006-06-22T22:36:00.000-04:00

Hindu ascetics play soccer on the banks of the River Ganges in Allahabad, India, Wednesday, June 21, 2006. (AP Photo/Rajesh Kumar Singh)

One Religion's Reincarnated Deity Is Another Religion's Monzo, Amazing Monkey-Man Sideshow Freak

2006-06-22T17:27:00.000-04:00

Indians Tail Monkey Man in Search of Healing Powers

from Financial Express

KOLKATA, India: Thousands of people are flocking to an impoverished village in West Bengal to worship a man they believe possesses divine powers because he climbs up trees in seconds, gobbles up bananas and has a "tail."

Devotees say 27-year-old villager Chandre Oraon is an incarnation of the Hindu god Hanuman - worshipped by millions as a symbol of physical strength, perseverance and devotion.

"He climbs up trees, behaves like a monkey and is a strict vegetarian, but he is no god and his condition is just a congenital defect," says Bhushan Chakraborty, the local medical officer.

Tucked away in a hamlet in Banarhat, over 650 km north of Kolkata, devotees wait for hours to see or touch Oraon's 13-inch tail, believing that it has healing powers.

Doctors said the 'tail' - made up of some flesh but mostly of dark hair - was simply a rare physical attribute.

Messiah of Steel

2006-06-18T14:46:00.000-04:00

Jesus Is Gay!

from Sploid

Christians made the shocking announcement this week that the homosexual Superman in the new summer blockbuster movie is actually Jesus Christ.

"It is so on the nose that anyone who has not caught on that Superman is a Christ figure, you think, 'Who else could it be referring to?'" asked author Steve Skelton, the Christian author of "The Gospel According to the World's Greatest Superhero."

Skelton told the Associated Press that Superman is obviously based on the biblical story of Jesus. That would seem to conflict with widespread reports that the new Superman is, in fact, a gay man in New York.

While the astonishing claim by Christians that their savior is a homosexual may at first seem outlandish, it may also explain Christian hostility to The Da Vinci Code movie, in which Jesus is portrayed as a heterosexual who fathers children with his disciple Mary Magdalene.

"The allusion to Jesus Christ could hardly be accidental," Christian blogger Tom Gilson wrote, according to AP.

And another blogger asked, "Is this a new Superman for the new Evangelist red state America? Superman as Jesus?"

Both Christians and homosexuals seem certain that the new Superman is one of them.

Gays note the new Superman's traditional gay mannerisms and lifestyle, his "Muscle Mary" gym-crafted physique and his "bold queer spirit."

Christians point out that Superman is the only son of a soon-to-be-killed space monster and gets sent in a UFO to the planet Earth, where he grows up in the Midwest and later works for a big-city newspaper while secretly saving people from various super-criminals - much like Jesus in the New Testament.

Could both groups be correct?

The original Gospel According to Mark originally contained a passage that describes the religion of Jesus as a homosexual mystery cult - such mystery religions were popular in the Greek-dominated culture of the Middle East.

An ancient letter from Clement of Alexandria praises an underling for "silencing the unspeakable teachings" of "Secret Mark," specifically the line about "naked man with naked man."

Thought to have been written late in the first century A.D., Mark is the oldest known gospel and the only one that makes no claim of a resurrection. (Original versions simply end at 16:8 with two Marys frightened by their discovery that Jesus' corpse had been moved.) Several holes in the story were filled in by the discovery of a "secret" version of Mark that the church successfully suppressed until letters and fragments were found.

The "gaydar" of biblical scholars was set off by this passage in particular:

"And going out of the tomb they came into the house of the youth, for he was rich. And after six days Jesus told him what to do and in the evening the youth comes to him, wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God."

While born-again Christians are often hostile to homosexuals and vocally complain about gay entertainment, there are signs that gay culture has merged with Christian culture - most disturbingly in the "Lord's Gym" chain of heartland athletic clubs.

The popular logo for the gym shows a "muscle man" Jesus grunting on the floor with a "cross" figure apparently sodomizing Him. The chain's website plays a slinky disco instrumental track with a rave-style light show around the sweaty Jesus figure.

The message is clear: Big-city health-club scenes have found a home in "straight" America by merging with the popular born-again Christian movement.

Allah vs...Piglet?! Muslims Need To Get a Life

2006-06-18T14:37:00.000-04:00

Turkey's War on Pooh

from Sploid

With tensions still high following this past winter's absurd cartoon riots, authorities in Turkey are going to extreme lengths to protect their countrymen from filthy cartoon pigs.

Though allegedly secular, the Turkish government's Islamic roots are impossible to ignore. In the latest effort to maintain the highest level of Muslim purity, the people in charge of the local TRT public television network have decided not to air "Winnie the Pooh" cartoon series.

What could possibly be so offensive about a cartoon so beloved by kids in the West? Is it Christopher Robin's sex change? No. All the nudity? No. It's the presence of Pooh's dear friend Piglet.

Muslims regard the pig as a filthy animal unfit for consumption. Apparently that ban now extends to visual consumption. Authorities initially considered simply airing Winnie the Pooh with Piglet's scenes cut out, but the unclean beast was too great a presence in Pooh's life.

Even though Pooh and Piglet are regularly seen on other TV stations in Turkey and their videos are easily available, the government refused to be party to the porcine smut peddling.

Employees at TRT have been complaining that the government has been exercising more and more control over the station's airwaves.

Fox News Anchor vs. Anti-Gay Baptist She-Monster: 'You Are the Devil, Miss! If You Believe in the Bible, You're Going to Hell!'

2006-06-16T00:47:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Clayton for the link.

I Predict Ungodly Therapy Bills

2006-06-08T19:00:00.000-04:00

Born On 6/6/06: Damien

from Sky News

ENGLAND - A baby born on the 6/6/06 - and weighing 6lb 6oz - has been named Damien after horror film The Omen.

Proud mum Suzanne Cooper said she was hoping to give birth on June 6 so she could name her son after the infamous young Antichrist in the cult 1976 film.

Not only was the baby born on the apocalyptic day, but he was born six days after his mother was induced.

"The Omen is one of our favourite films and that's why I was keeping my legs crossed for a birth on the 6th," Suzanne, 36, told The Sun.

"It does seem a bit weird but he's a perfect baby - nothing at all like Damien in The Omen."

Husband Michael, 35, of Cleveland, Somerset, said: "It took a bit of persuasion for Suzanne to call him Damien but it seems fitting considering the date."

A remake of The Omen was released on Tuesday. The film, often voted the scariest movie ever, tells the story a young boy who embarks on mission to destroy the world. He has the birthmark '666' - the number of The Beast - on his scalp.

God Smites ChristiansChristians Say, 'Thanks!'God Mutters, 'Dumbasses!'

2006-06-07T21:52:00.000-04:00

God Fires Warning Shot

from Sploid

Despite studies that prove God's contempt for prayer, people insist on dropping to their knees. When he isn't too busy with other things, the Lord isn't above striking down those that pray.

Clara Jean Brown had been left home alone this past weekend when a powerful storm rolled over her Daphne, Alabama home. Her husband had gone to the store, her son and his family were at the beach.

Unable to do anything useful for her family, Brown decided to say a prayer for their safe return.

"I said, 'Amen,' and the room was engulfed in a huge ball of fire," she said. "I was just standing there when a huge ball of fire engulfed this whole room. I don't remember much after that."

Brown passed out on the floor among exploded chunks of concrete. That's where her 14-year-old granddaughter found her upon coming home from the beach.

Fire officials told James Brown, Clara's husband, that the bolt appeared to have come from across the street and in through a waterline. The bolt tore up the kitchen floor - ruining the brownies on the stove top - and continued to the backyard where it ripped up a small trench.

Even though the Lord nearly killed her by his own hand, Brown didn't seem to get the message.

"I'm blessed. That's the good news," she said.

Claremont Church Burns Down; Firefighter Injured

from The Associated Press

CLAREMONT, Minn. - A fire that started with a lightning bolt destroyed a church in this small town Tuesday, and a firefighter who battled the blaze was seriously injured.

Around 2 a.m., fire crews from several towns responded to a call that St. John's Lutheran Church was on fire.

Pastor Keith Meyer, who placed the call, said he saw the steeple set ablaze by a lightning strike during a thunder storm. "I watched it the whole time. It was fully engulfed in less than an hour," he said.

Claremont firefighter Gale Spatenka, while trying to save some stained glass windows, was injured after a wall on the south side of the church collapsed on him. He was taken by helicopter to St. Marys Hospital in Rochester, where he remained in critical condition Tuesday night.

The state Fire Marshal's office confirmed the cause of the fire was a lightning strike.

"I can't believe it," said Claremont resident Rhonda Johnson, a member of the church for 43 years. "We're just devastated, but I'm very optimistic about rebuilding."

Regardless of the size of the loss, Meyer said, "We plan to rebuild. We're staying here."

Has Mommy's Eyes & Daddy's Horns

2006-06-07T21:42:00.000-04:00

06/06/06 Baby Weighs 6.66 Pounds

from Sploid

A child born in Chattanooga, Tennessee, on June 6 - otherwise known as 06/06/06 - weighed exactly 6.66 pounds at birth.

Many expectant moms were horrified at the prospect of giving birth on the alleged Day of the Beast, and some even had labor induced early to make sure their spawn did not carry the birthday of the Evil One.

But the mom of little Jimmy Lee laughed in the face of the Dark Lord and gladly gave birth to her own little Omen, who horrified nurses when he topped the scales at exactly 6.66 pounds.

According to NBC 5, nurses at the hospital claim Jimmy Lee was hardly the only baby born on that reportedly wretched day with a June 6, 2006, birthday.

Little Jimmy will probably not be under demonic influence, however, because the actual number of the beast in the bible's Book of Revelation is actually 616, not 666.

Who Would Jesus Shoot?That's Right, Children...But Only Retarded Ones...And Only in the Back...

2006-06-07T21:34:00.000-04:00

Mentally Disabled Kid Shot in Back by Pastor

from Sploid

Enraged by a neighborhood kid knocking on his door, a Des Moines pastor unleashed some swift and furious vengeance upon the boy's backside. Now the pastor's going to have to watch his own backside for about two years.

On Monday afternoon Steve Carlson noticed to dark spots on his mentally disabled son's underwear. He didn't think much of it. But as 14-year-old Dillon Carlson was finished taking his bath that night, his parents noticed matching wounds on Dillon's backside.

"The man who did this must be a sick individual and I hope he will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law," said Carlson.

The man in question was none other than local pastor David L. Reasby, according to Sgt. Todd Dykstra of the Des Moines police department.

"Mr. Reasby was awoken, came to the door and told the individual to stop knocking on the door. The individual later on, knocked on the door again, at which time Mr. Reasby shot him twice in the back with a BB gun," said Dykstra.

Reasby, 51, is the pastor at of Lighthouse Full Gospel Baptist Church. He shares his home with the day care where Dillon is a student. Cops are now investigating the school.

Back in 1997, while working as a reserve police officer, Reasby was credited with helping clear a local park of drug dealers. His career in crime fighting ended in two years ago after he was picked up on assault and forgery charges.

Reasby has been arrested and is facing charges assault with a weapon. He could be looking at two years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

If I Get In, They Need a Better Door Policy...And More Porn

2006-06-04T03:43:00.000-04:00

Is Hell the Place for You?
created with QuizFarm.com

4. What ever happens happens. Yes!
7. Life is the only thing that matters. Yes!
12. You like to hurt people. No!

You scored as Heaven.

You're going to Heaven, which is not all that fun!

Nowhere

40%

Heaven

40%

HELL Rocks

10%

Look! It's Santa Cl-Oh, Sorry...Jesus...As Dead Asparagus...Sticking His Tongue Out(What a Jerk)

2006-05-23T11:39:00.000-04:00

Jesus of Asparagus

from Sploid

An English gardner tending to his asparagus has dug up the head of his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It appears that He's sticking his tongue out.

Martin Gregory,52, was enjoying a Sunday afternoon in his garden. Deciding that his ten-year-old asparagus plant was dead, he pulled it from its pot.

"I dug out the plant and put it on the side but, when I looked at it again, I could see a face staring straight back at me," Gregory said.

"I could make out the eyes and nose and even a thorn crown that had been formed out of the plant's roots."

"My neighbour said it looked just like Jesus."

From the beard to the crown of thorns to the playfully wagging tongue, there's no getting around it. It is surely the face of Jesus.

"I've heard about Mother Theresa's face being seen in a bagel but I thought this was much better."

But the part-time mosaic tutor is trying to keep a level head about the whole affair.

"It has not made me religious. But it could be something supernatural linked to the abbey ruins [across the way]. We don't know what's in the ground."

While Gregory may not been running off to church, he's smart enough not to throw Jesus' head away.

Father David Sherratt, of St Michael and All Angels Church thinks Gregory needs to embrace this blessing.

"I have often heard of people seeing things. God may want Mr Gregory to interpret what he saw in the plant as a sign."

I Liked This Story Better the Last Time I Heard It...in 1985

2006-05-23T11:23:00.000-04:00

Madonna Gets Church Hot (Under Collar)

from Sploid

Like a paid marketing company, the Church of England has jumped straight out and screamed to the media that Madonna's new concert tour is offensive, while other Christian groups said it could even be "dangerous."

On the opening night of her "Confessions on the Dance Floor" tour, Madonna performed the ballad "Live To Tell" while suspended from a giant mirrored cross and wearing a crown of thorns. Talk about waving a red rag in front of a bull. "Why would someone with so much talent seem to feel the need to promote herself by offending so many people?" the church said in a statement.

If that wasn't enough to get conservative Christians foaming at the mouth, she then compared Bush to Hitler and made a crude reference to Dubya and oral sex.

David Muir of the Evangelical Alliance accused the singer of "blatant insensitivity," and suggested that she should drop the giant cross from the tour before the Big Guy Upstairs got angry. "Madonna's use of Christian imagery is an abuse and it is dangerous," he said.

Madonna's an old hand at inciting such good publicity though. In 1990, she even had the Pope calling for a boycott of her "Blond Ambition" tour. The Material Girl managed that one by simulating masturbation during the song Like A Virgin. Previous to that she had the Vatican fuming when she burnt crosses and had a black Jesus in her Like a Prayer music video.

Smells Fishy

2006-05-23T11:15:00.000-04:00

Tuna Brings Kenyans Blessings from Allah

from Sploid

Once again Allah has sent his followers a sign in the form of Arabic writing on the side of a fish. Last time it was two Oscars in a U.K. pet shop. This weekend a five-pound tuna in Kenya bears the message.

When Said Ali sold his day's catch to fishmonger Omar Mohammed Awadh, he had no idea the blessing he let slip through his fingers.

As Awadh was arranging the fish for sale at his Takaungu Fish Shop in Mombasa, his keen believer's eye spotted what was clearly a message from Allah, "Wallahu khayru razikiyna" - "God is the greatest of all providers" - on the side of a tuna soon to be known as the "wonder fish."

Arabic scholars were called to the shop. They quickly determined that the Koranic verse was in fact written in the scales along the fish's side.

"This has been confirmed as a verse from the Holy Koran," said Sheikh Mombasa Dor, the secretary-general of the Council of Imams and Preachers of Kenya. "We believe that God brings these kinds of messages in many forms from time to time and that we should not only read the Holy Book, but practice what it says."

What's truly amazing is the quality of the penmanship, said Mombasa district commissioner Mohamed Maalim.

"It is so clearly spelt," he said. "That is why we believe that Allah is sending a message to mankind."

Yet, despite the clarity of the writing, there was some confusion over the message. A story in Saturday's "Nation," a local paper, reported that the message was "Walahu hairu raziqin" - "The Almighty God is greater than those who give arms".

Awadh's shop had been overrun with believers eager to witness the is miracle, some hoping to buy the "wonder fish." Now the state has decided he can't be trusted with such an important fish.

The Kenyan fisheries department has taken the fish into protective custody. It will be kept at cold house in Liwatoni.

Hassan Mohamed Hassan of the National Museum will be documenting the fish for use in religious education.

"There is no doubt that the almighty God is communicating with his people," said Hassan.

A Miracle! A Miracle!Potato Shaped Like Heart!Proof That...Um...Wait...Ooh, I Know:O Almighty Spud Loves You!

2006-05-12T23:07:00.000-04:00

In this March 2006 photo taken in Moon Township, Pa., provided by the Idaho Potato Commission, and taken by the family of Linda Greene, Linda Greene is shown holding a heart-shaped potato. The president of the Idaho Potato Commission says there's no way a heart-shaped potato should have made it through the state's inspection system without being pulled aside and turned into french fries. And yet, it did _ during Potato Lover's Month. Greene discovered the potato in February 2006 but only recently alerted the Idaho Potato Commission to the Valentine-shaped tuber. She is storing the potato in a cupboard in her basement. (AP Photo/The Greene Family via the Idaho Potato Commission)